Rex Reed, greatest detective in a world, had his nose poised over the last Dandy De-Lite Bio-Vasive Dandelion in the entire universe. It was blue, with red, curly hairs peeking out from behind a thick, velvety mane. The stalk was twisted like a DNA-inspired acid trip, flipping back through hoops made by itself and splitting-up to make new friends in old places. This beautiful thing was the last of its kind.
It's too bad it was in the perfect spot for the telescopic ballistic balloon catapult. Rex almost felt something as he crushed the flower beyond any chance of recovery. The catapult was emblazoned with the words "THE BAD NEIGHBOR" and perched on top of it, or at least hanging from the top, was Rex's associate, friend, and currently transmorgrified vampire, Phineas K. Shrek.
"So, uh, when's the war?"
Rex wiped the sweat from his brow, staining his shitty civil war memorial uniform. He'd bought the uniform at a Party Interstellar Sector on the way to the Water War. He'd been hoping that he'd be able to find something at least a little bit fitting for the conflict at hand. But he'd been left with this tripe sandwich of a costume because the clerk said there weren't any other 'warrior' outfits.
"I don't know, hopefully sooner than later. My friend, do you realize that if I'd passed by the Spirit Center slash Halloween store instead of that nasty party supply store, I might've found a Grognak the Barbarian costume?"
Shrugging, Phineas stretched his wings. "Spirit's not open this time of year. Halloween isn't for nother couple'a light years."
"You never know! They celebrate holidays earlier and earlier these days."
Phineas rolled his eyes. "They only do that with Decemberween. Halloween is the same time every cycle. Seriously man, you should invest in a calendar. It's a valuable and insightful way to know the goddamn date."
Rex paused, looking up to Phineas as his headgear began drooping down over his forehead. "Such aggressive responses… are you hyping yourself up for combat, my friend?"
"Something like that, yeah." Phineas preened his fur.
His gaze returned to the weapon's periscope. "Well, I hope you're ready enough. Our first target is in sight…
Approximately ten Australian football pitches away, there stood a rambunctious Egg, with a legion of King's horses and men in hot pursuit. They blasted each other with dollar-store squirt guns, as they frolicked and laughed and had ever so much fun with their closest and most treasured friends, and say, what was that shadow growing ever closer in the sky?
Rex watched as his foes collapsed into a watery grave.
Phineas bobbed his head. "Brutal."
"Indeed." Rex stood up, peering through a periscope at his target area. "It looks as though I've wiped them out, like old chum."
"For now, at least. This is a pretty big water war. There's probably thousands more… things here, from all over the place."
Rex patted his bad neighbor. "I think we've got the ballistic upper-hand, my friend. Nobody's going to be getting close to us when we can uttery crush them like a handful of hot fuss berries, on a warm summer's even-"
His soliloquy was suddenly interrupted by a loud squeak, caused by a meaty fist grappling Phineas from his perch.
"I like your bat. Massive firepower is stronk, ya? Is time for maybe thinkings that Yakupov get his chance with toy?"
The being standing before him was built like a brick stilthouse. Blotting out the sun, the clouds, and probably a few satellites, Nail Yakupov flexed some pecs beneath a garishly orange jumpsuit, collar popped. Phineas' face was beginning to turn a delightful shade of black, and the few bones that weren't powder at this point were definitely mildly uncomfortable
Nail's muscles curled back into a fist, but he didn't punch. Oh no. Instead, a contusion of muscles twisted up like balloon animals, until his bicep resembled an excellent squirt bazooka.
He fired with a liquid that wasn't quite water.
Rex spluttered, and fell backwards over his catastrophic catapult. "Dear lord, that's not water, you, you… you stupid jackwagon!"
Nail laughed three times, then wiped his forearm off. "That's right, dipstick! I've invenomated you!"
"What in blazes…" Rex looked down at his outfit. The color was dripping down to the earth, along with some of his flesh and almost all of his skin. "You confounded fool! You've hit me with a deleterious effect!"
Nail took a step closer, the ground shaking as his mighty boot made impact. "You are of correct! And now, as prize, I take your toy. Maybe I make it good use, or maybe I use to drop on enemies like cows on earthworm."
Phineas struggled in his grasp. "That… doesn't… even… sense…"
Poking the bat's nose, Nail made a gleeful utterance. "Oh! Batman is live! Maybe you can be test subject, da?"
Rex collapsed to the ground. His vision was fading in and out, but he could see Nail loading his friend into the catapult. He closed his eyes, and the remnants of his tear ducts struggled in vain to produce something of substance.
"This is it. This is how we die. Not from a marvelous case, or a daring caper, but from a recreational water war… how droll…"Rex watched as the last of his colors bled into the ground. Then… some tendrils of plant life, extended from the ground with the vigor of a young man waking up on his day off. Dandelion petals tickled his nose, and grew past his lame form.
Nail Yakupov was distracted from his fun by a poke to the shoulder. As he turned, he saw a massive tendril of weeds and clovers. It was the first time in a long time that he could remember having to look up at something.
"Are you the being which has placed thine twisted metal upon my bed?"
Nail blinked loudly. "Uh."
For a moment, the dandelion reared back, as if to smash. Instead, though, it began to leak water from its apex. Slowly, at first, like a leaky pipe, but like cracked lead, it quickly gained momentum, until it was gushing down onto Yak like a cracked commode, drenching him to his very soul. The jet of water lifted Nail off of the ground, before driving him back inwards, as the pressure on him mounted and the amount of water began to sweep around the entire world, catching suspecting and unsuspecting combatants alike.
Soon, it was placid. Water had won the war.
"You know what my favorite part of the desert is?"
"I don't. Elaborate, my Chiroptric friend."
"It's peaceful, man." Phineas glanced back at the clinic. "And quiet."
"Don't forget the lack of vegetation."
"Oh yeah, definitely a plus." Phineas adjusted his parasol. "Could do without the sun, though."
Rex shrugged the half of a functional shoulder he still possessed. "Well, it happens. Best to enjoy what we have. No need to be an almost perfect, but not quite-type."
Phineas grinned, showing off both of his teeth. "Amen, brother. Amen."
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