Divination, Transmutation, Animism
Chunk of cherry tree bark weighing 4.1 scruples
The object, hereby truenamed The Chip of Despair, possesses a magical aura in the form of a 1.4 cubit radius of hermetically neutral energy with an intensity rated at at average of 12.4 osmanspares. Symptoms of extended exposure to this field include thickening and numbness of the skin. Empaths and other psychosensitives report receiving from the object the sensation of a light breeze, a warm, moist feeling on the ankles, and varying amounts of inchoate malice.
When a human, humanite, or anthrozoid touches the Chip of Despair, the thing which that being cherishes most is instantly transformed into a dog of the Labrador-poodle hybrid known as a Labradoodle. The process is irreversible and metaphysical. It also affects concepts, such as emotions and beloved childhood memories. This means that in sorcerresearcherer Arthur Schwartz, whose most cherished thing is ritual intercourse with German amputees, that obsession has been wholly replaced by an obsession with the Labradoodle produced by the Chip of Despair, a fluffy tan puppy named Sex-With-German-Amputees. This effect has been quite a detriment to Arthur Schwartz's life, especially due to his position as Senior Nymphomancer. Due to the object's low ontological inertia rating, sex with deformed prostitutes as a memetic construct will be unharmed outside of Schwartz's personal memeplex. However, certain variables, notably including constructive magical interference, can increase the Chip of Despair's ontological inertia to dangerous levels.
In 2029, 2031, and 2034, zealous sorcerresearcherers' dedication to their career resulted in the accidental conversion of the Coadunate itself to Labradoodle form. Because facilities and staff were unharmed, reinstating the Coadunate was a relatively short procedure in each instance, although all truename-based spells required reinstatement to affect the new organization, as those which were previously active currently protect and empower the Labradoodles which now carry their effects. These Labradoodles, truenamed "Caliginous Éxigence Coadunate of Etruria Uno", "Caliginous Éxigence Coadunate of Etruria Dos", and Kickin' Rad Assembly of Sorcerous Happenings2, have each been rated Magna Puissance Arcanum and placed under the care of a particular Preterastral Coadunator to ensure that no possible harms come from their karmic links to the current incarnation of the organization.
The Chip of Despair, originally recovered in the Neosaka province of Neo-Japan 2 Turbo by Assistant Wu-Jen Pulaski, is currently retained in the curio chamber of administrator Judith Hamburg. Ms. Hamburg is certified Immune to the Chip of Despair's effect, as her most cherished thing is her 6-year-old Labradoodle, unofficially designated Lady Constance Snuggleshire.
NOTES: Any connections to the Tree of Despair, Leaves of Despair, and Wicker Sofa of Despair are purely coincidental. Coadunate sorcerresearcherers are currently working to discover whether these connections are magically coincidental.