So I went and read the rest of the contest entries for some perspective on my own. Just for context, nothing else.
I think this suffers from a lack of informational density. It's too fluffy. I could have cut some unnecessary descriptions, and I could have been more clear on the narrative, especially the narrative of the past. I also should have focused more on the sister relationship or get rid of that entirely and focus on the other characters because there's more of it. Also, I think I ought to add more detail to the beginning of the penultimate scene. I initially wanted to leave it a bit ambiguous because that was similar to how the main character was experiencing it. But there aren't enough details surrounding that event to clarify it, I feel.
Anyways, I may or may not touch it up after the contest is over. Time will tell. Hope anyone who made it past that little block of self-critiscism is having a good day, and feel free to leave your own criticisms because I love them.