Hey there, and welcome ^^. Specific review is below:
I won't go over all the language errors I've spotted, so please reread carefully (even if you use a program, make sure to read it yourself). I'll mainly go over any I think a machine can't catch/you might have a harder time spotting and fixing.
…I want all the integral information to be gathered if only one book is found.
I'm not honestly sure what this means, since if only one book is found, a lot of "integral information" is going to be lost, I assume.
the course sand
the coarse sand,
It smelled, and everything else still smells, like wet vegetation, which makes sense now, but was strange as I was used to the feel of the dry, hot, desert, but was then sitting in a cold, wet, jungle.
This sentence is packed a little too much with conjunctions, consider breaking it up into two sentences or doing something else to maintain flow.
Rhinotia sabinae
You can put this in italics if you find it fitting (Rhinotia sabinae).
(first described in Journal 2, Chapter 18)
Hmm this doesn't make sense. If this is the fourth journal and he is seeing this creature for the first time, why is there a reference to Journal 2?
It has a long tube on its head, I originally assumed mouth,
Change to, "It has a long tube on its head—I originally assumed that was its mouth,"
That is one of the tamer creatures in comparison to the Mentality Blooms, yes they have a scientific name, no I'm not going to go look through Journal 1 to try and find what I decided on.
Same issue as before with the journals.
inside, fill this building.
Remove the comma.
I don't believe I would have written that.
After awakening from my temporary slumber, I found my way to the center of the temple, which had a book on a totem.
You forgot to press "enter" again to space out the paragraph properly.
so I must not
have dreamed of them, I had thought.
Seems like you pressed the "enter" key by accident.
One more thing: "A Guide To The Sahara Jungle Volume 4 (Foreword, Chapter 27, Epilogue)." At the start of your story, you should think about adding some sort of publisher's note, explaining that the rest of the book was lost (or whatever else happened to it). Also, I recommend not including the words in parentheses in the page title.
Thoughts and Comments
This is a little messy and definitely needs some more revising. It has potential, though.
A concern I have is that Sean Sabin takes no precautions with new organisms he comes across, despite appearing to be a reputable explorer. He should probably be portrayed a little more carefully, like a researcher rather than an impulsive person.
The flow is also strange, because it jumps from a foreword, to a chapter, to the epilogue. There needs to be more of a flow so readers can piece more of what happened and create the cavern-world in their minds. Maybe two or three more chapters would work nicely. There are also a LOT of details that you leave out that don't really make sense to remove. Like Yetin, for example. Again, this is a sign of a sloppy researcher, while Sabin doesn't actually seem like they are supposed to be interpreted as a sloppy character. Also, why is information about the cavern presented in the foreword? It would be more reasonable to put that in a first chapter, I think.
The ending feels cut short as well. The epilogue should be used to leave the reader on a note, like a prediction, a warning, a foreshadowing, etc. Mention his future plans, perhaps, or something interesting that happened to him when he magically returned back to Adare.
Something else is the writing style: Are you from Ireland, and writing with any Irish dialects of English in mind? To my United States English experience, some of the sentences are phrased a bit weird, although they can definitely be understood. No need for any major revisions because of this—especially since it's a journal—but it's just something to keep in mind.
Feel free to reply with questions/comments/concerns. Keep writing, and I like where this can go!
