I created a little tale about a Mage, and I wanted to hear some feedback, thanks!
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/drsalf
Hey! And Welcome to the Library!
Thoughts
I feel like the story you have so far is a little short. The idea is amusing, but the story as it is right now doesn't tell much of a story/doesn't tell an effective story. There are two ways that you can take this:
1) Lengthen the story and focus on characterization. Of course, there are several ways you could do this. Maybe you could expand on the little story bits you have in order to help increase comedy and give the reader more insight into the world of Rkylfak (as of now, the world feels a little vague, but it seems like an urban fantasy? Make it more clear to give an idea of the context of the jokes). You could also try adding more bits and have some of them tie into each other, like a recurring theme/character/place, and the ending should be something to tie everything together.
2) Keep a similar structure and flow and focus on humor and details. I'm not sure if it would be ideal to keep this story as short as it is now, but in any case, I think the language needs to be tightened up. There's a shift from slightly grand to downright conversational, from the start to the end, that doesn't really work well because there's not enough change going on, and it's already hard enough to paint a really good image of the mage and their personality in the first place. If this piece were to be kept short, the rhythm of the jokes (the story bits) also needs to be clear.
This is gonna be good, okay, so I created this big storm in Kansas, followed by a tornado, and I accidently knocked a girl out during the tornado, and she looked like she was singing and tapping her shoes.
This for example, isn't a very concise joke. The "okay" doesn't really make sense to add in a book context, and if a girl was knocked out, how was she singing and tapping?
Generally speaking, whatever route you take, you should also add more world details here and there, like place, time, circumstances—anything to help the reader better understand the mage and the mage's world. Maybe there could be something about how the mage was trying to dry clean his purple robes when he got into an argument with an imp—Then, he shocked the imp to death, which caused the imp to explode, which caused the laundromat to explode! What fun!
Reply whenever you have another draft/if you have any questions. I like the potential this has, don't give up! If you have a different image for this story, feel free to tell me so I can give better review ^^
Thanks for much for the review, i've tried to implement some of your suggestions. Any thoughts?
I think you need to spend a little more time crafting the story bits. What kind of comedy/comedic work are you using as reference for how the jokes should sound? Stand-up comedy? There is also no satisfying ending/conclusion to tie everything together, like I suggested.
I've added an ending that I enjoy, any thoughts?
Hello. Here are some specific suggestions:
this is some of my most notable adventures!
These are some
forgot to cut the crust off my sandwich, because I can't eat a sandwich without the disgusting crust.
I think you mean "with the disgusting crust"?
then I smite him with lightning.
Smote
so the Elf Civil War hasn't happened yet.
Hadn't
Thoughts
The ending is alright, but it's not a very good conclusion considering the beginning and middle of this story. The story doesn't feel complete yet, in terms of narrative, and it doesn't have much of an impact in terms of humor.
The jokes still need improvement, since that's all that seems to be there. If you need help with the jokes, I will ask again:
What kind of comedy/comedic work are you using as reference for how the jokes should sound? Stand-up comedy?
Please ask if you have any questions, I am not a mindreader.
I was going for some kind of Random humor, using the magic to hold the joke up.
I'm not sure how effective that would be if it's repeated again and again. It kind of loses its "randomness" if that makes sense.
What I suggest is adding more of a story to go with the humor, so it's more like random humor added to a story, rather than random humor building a story on its own (which tries to be both funny and have value as a story, and doesn't really work).
Thoughts?