Hello everyone, I am new to the Wanderers' Library site but have been apart of the SCP site for a little while longer. I have decided to make a story to add to the vast collection. If someone could please review my first draft that would be greatly appreciated.
Detailed review
This is solid. The subject matter is creepy and interesting enough to keep the reader wondering. Some other thoughts: The ending lacks oomph. It feels like it's building up to a big climax or revelation, but doesn't. You don't have to reveal everything or make a massive twist, but something more than "and then he left and everything stayed the same" would be good. A last note to really keep the reader wondering.
Your prose is pretty weak. It feels like many sentences drone on and the sentence structure is repetitive. It's very straightforwardly descriptive and not very poetic or evocative. It could be improved a lot, but I think the story is strong enough to work mostly as is. I would suggest going through and seeing what you can tweak and strenghen. Read it out loud to yourself and see how it sounds, and see what sounds good and what doesn't.
Hello rumetzen and thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I took your critiques into consideration, and I decided to add a bit more to the ending so it wasn't so bland. I hope you enjoy what I have changed in this second draft!
Here is the link again: http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/horrifying-items
Hey ChickenLover, I'm Avelon and I'm here to help:
Line-by-line:
There lies a flower underneath that tree,
Change "flower" to "plant"
The petals were all bright pink on the outside and gradually be came
Change "outside" to "edges"; "be came" should be "became"
to focus on the flower never paying attention to the other things
Add a comma after "flower"
subtract the time they have looking at the flower
subtract from the time they have to look at the flower
Whether the mysterious man was a space traveller or from another dimension or even from the blankness the people did not talk to him
Whether the mysterious man was a space traveller, or from another dimension, or even from the blankness, the people did not talk to him
and the hills it stands upon.
stood
but not the kind you have when you have first discovered something,
you first discover
with a quick bit flash
Remove "bit"
The mysterious man wanted to get a closer look at the creatures, they did scare him a little
Replace the comma here with a semi-colon (;)
He tried to push back the creature,
push the creature back
but never getting a response
Replace "getting" with "got"
less loved then the flower.
than
Overall Critique on Everything:
Where did the people come from? You say there is nothing around the hill, but for some reason there are people? You need to give more background on that.
The dialogue needs better formatting. Try looking at this to see if it helps: https://firstmanuscript.com/format-dialogue/
You should try to keep verb tenses more consistent in the beginning. I recommend using past tense, since you seem to use it most often in the story.
The prose, like Rum said, needs more variation to really engage the reader in this weird world that you have created. I can try helping further if you'd like, but this is part of developing your writing style, and I can't rewrite the whole story for you.
As far as actual story content, I feel that the scene where the man has his muscle stolen is deprived of a lot of detail/dialogue, which would be okay if the language use was a little more varied to reflect the craziness of the moment for the man. Some things feel a little repetitive regarding the details about the flower and the people, so you should really consider removing repetition or being more stylistic with it.