Most of the time, this works and life
Remove that comma or add a comma after 'works',
Seeing them advance, the soldiers tap a circle engraved to the chest piece of their armor, making it glow with crimson light. Same shade as the flames flickering in the Docent's lanterns.
These two sentences should definitely be combined, maybe into: 'Seeing them advance, the soldiers tap a circle engraved to the chest piece of their armor, making it glow with crimson light, the same shade as the flames flickering in the Docent's lanterns.'
Waving his hands, and a large shelf flies in front of the soldiers, s
Delete the word 'and'
"Now is not the time to consider protocol, Foundie," Sqr'lk says, serious.
I feel like the reader knows Sqr'lk is being serious at the moment, not needing the word serious added, but honestly it doesn't matter that much.
says a female voice from behind the mask as a gloved fist curls into a fist, misty, blue energy starting to pour out of it.
This sentence is very confusing, so here's my best interpretation of what should be said here: 'says a female voice from behind the mask as she curls her gloved hand into a fist and misty, blue energy begins to pour out of it.'
She clicks a button in her neck causing the helmet disintegrate and slide into the suit
I feel like 'in' should be 'on' ( that might be a preference), but 'to' definitely needs to go after 'helmet'
She smiles widely at Sqr'lk big, triangle-shaped teeth peeking out of her mouth.
This could be fixed by adding 'with' after Sqr'lk or possibly a comma after Sqr'lk (not sure)
agents told me where you are.
'where you were'
she says and puts her hand in a fist again,
'she says as she puts her hand in a fist again,'
"As much as I would like to stay and chat, catch up, and then torture you slowly until even your resilient little goblin body can't take it anymore, but unfortunately I can't give you a chance to trick yourself out of this one,
Remove 'but unfortunately'
(Obviously if you think I'm mistaken you can totally ignore whichever corrections you think I'm wrong about.)