http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/destinysday
Check the tab Finding your Way 1. Any thoughts and crit is welcome. Its an early draft, so spag errors and other mistakes may be present
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/destinysday
Check the tab Finding your Way 1. Any thoughts and crit is welcome. Its an early draft, so spag errors and other mistakes may be present
I see you have 5 of these, and while you only asked for crit on the first I gave the remainder a quick skim as well. My opinion is that individually these are vignettes that are really just too short to carry any sort of story or engagement on their own, and don't really do much at all plot-wise or character-wise. Just snapshots of things that happen, which isn't suuuper great on posting to the site. I think you'd be much better off compiling them into one anthology and posting them as one page, maybe modifying them to all follow a tighter and more clear/engaging core theme than "stories about Ways".
Considering you asked for crit on the first story, I'll focus my attention only on that and give it an in depth focus. I hope this feedback is more constructive for you, as I would love to help you get this series on site. Let me know when you'd like feedback on the other four tales too!
sigh.The dark
Space needed.
The uncomfortable truth was you had simply been trying to avoid falling asleep
Sentence is a little clunky. Maybe remove simply here?
aside,half
Space needed.
To all patrons…Thank you, and please continue to enjoy your stay.
I would put this section either in a div, quote block, or something similar to separate it from the rest of the text.
…
Four dashes (-) becomes a line-break. If you wanted more of a visual space between the two sections, you could switch it to that.
Couldnt
Couldn't
The Pages…the docents
Earlier you didn't capitalize docent either. I think technically you could go either way, but pick one way and stick with it. I would recommend just capitalizing all the mentions of docents as that'd be less work than lower casing everything else.
Interrupted by a flash of grey from between the shelves. You peak out into the dimly lit aisle to see an unfamiliar figure, draped in a tattered, dirty grey cloak.
I would remove the period and combine these two, as the first isn't a standalone sentence.
Their movement slows to a stop as you can see them heaving for air, they stick out a hand as if to grab something out of the air.
Air is used twice in the same sentence, making it a tad repetitive. Maybe switch to "as if to grab something that wasn't there." ?
Whoever that was, Whatever that was,
that was, whatever that was
natural.Quite
Space needed.
the library
Capitalize this as you've done elsewhere to fit your writing style.
I'm noticing that you start a lot of sentences with "but". While this is grammatically allowed, despite certain teachings, I would recommend changing it up a little bit. Never hurts to have more variety in your sentence structure, especially with a few of your paragraphs feeling a bit clunky/repetitive structure wise at the moment.
Overall, I think this draft is a solid base to build off of. I have read the other tales in the series, and I like the story arc they follow, but as an intro story to this series, I do think this can be beefed up a tad to really get readers wondering what happens next. You already have a good basis for that - the second to last paragraph describing the area being like a paper taped back together has some wonderful imagery that hooks me in, but I'd like to see more of that. Elaborating on the details - how at the beginning there's such a tension in the air and you're worried it can snap at any moment, the fear and anxiety spreading with the staff being nervous themselves and them patrolling everywhere, and again at the end when we see reality tear itself apart to make a way - really dig into those moments and paint us a picture of how the normal Library we know is drifting away from its normalcy and the commotion that it causes. I think that will add more to the mystery and depth this concept as a whole has.
Another avenue you could follow in relation to that is a little more on the reactions the Patrons are having towards the Library being on high alert. We see how the staff react - being nervous, upset about lack of clues, putting up notices - but I am curious how the general population would react to something like that too. Perhaps the narrator encounters people talking in hushed whispers as they walk past? Or maybe people aren't eating out in the dining areas as often anymore. Are there folks trying to hunt this Way tamperer similar to how folks banded together to hunt the bibliovores? While you wouldn't want to dive too far down into this and detract from the focus on the setting, I think it could also help beef up the air of mystery too. Could also include some foreshadowing or cameos or hint at new OCs you plan to introduce here too, but up to you.
Your stories always come to life through their polishing. Let me know when you'd like me to take a second look at this tale. I'm excited to see how it develops, especially after watching how much the Parcoon tale changed over time too.
But the time flies, irretrievable.
oof, that line by line. Honestly, I'm not sure what the point of having Grammarly installed is if it misses so many spag errors lmao. I knew there would be some but ill definitely be going back to fix those first and foremost. As for everything else, yeah I can definitely see some interactions between the narrator and other patrons and staff beefing up the piece a bit and adding to the suspense! I'll definitely consider what you've mentioned as I'm reworking the piece
I'll add some crit bits as well.
You put the book back on the shelf and sigh.The dark bags weighing heavily under your eyes.
This should just be one sentence, change the first period to a comma and add a space.
Interrupted by a flash of grey from between the shelves. You peak out into the dimly lit aisle to see an unfamiliar figure, draped in a tattered, dirty grey cloak
Same as my first comment, making this one sentence helps everything flow better. Additionally the sentence after these ones, even with Crossing's suggestion, feels a little choppy
As for my thoughts, the main issue for me is content. I like where it is going, but I just don't feel like there is enough here. Crossing made some great suggestions, but I'll try an put my thoughts into a suggestion. In an effort to beef up this entry, maybe "You" goes looking for information about what is going on, so you can get a dialogue in there, or perhaps "You" joins a group looking for whatever is causing the disturbance with the Ways. I think what I'm looking for is more intrigue into what is going on/who is doing this so you can better jump into the next entry. Also for the last bit of my thoughts, just go read Crossing's thoughts again cause there's a whole lot of good ideas there. I hope this helps!
Yeah that's fair. Addressing your comments, the 'You' isn't meant to be important, just the thoughts of a random library patron who I'm using as a narrative tool to set up a bit of mystery and intrigue for the rest of the series where the thought and perspective of the true MC come into focus. But I can understand the need to have this character do more to properly set up the appearance of the main character in upcoming chapters. And adding more detail and interactions isn't a bad thing. I'll be sure to keep this in mind while I'm working, Thanks!