Crit Request: This Stubborn Body
My first time posting poetry publicly. Warning for transphobia and general heavy emotions.
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/mapmaker-at-your-service
Crit Request: This Stubborn Body
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» Crit Request: This Stubborn Body
Summary:
written during a depressive episode, fair warning
Hey there! I'll be honest, this is the first time I've ever given crit on something of this format and topic, so I would encourage you to seek out other opinions as well.
First I'll mention one little weird thing I noticed in the format. You had a pattern going of "I did not" lines capped with a "I especially" line, followed by "Sometimes" lines followed by a "But" line. However this pattern breaks in the fourth stanza where you have "Sometimes" lines but they are not capped by a "But" line. I see a few ways of shoring up this formatting, if the format is an important thing for this piece. Option one would be to add a "But" line at the end of the fourth stanza to keep the pattern going. Another thing I considered is that potentially the last two stanzas are meant to break the format? But in order for that to be effective, I would think that you should add one or two more stanzas that follow the rule, so it doesn't seem like something is being set up, only to drop it immediately. Either way, I don't think the formatting is a huge issue, especially not to the emotion and message of it, but I figured it would be something to mention as it threw me off a bit.
My next suggestion is that it feels like this could be longer. You get across a lot in only a few sentences, which is well done, but I almost think that it could be more… paced out? I wouldn't add a huge amount, since its still meant to be more verse than prose (I think I'm using that word right), but a few more stanzas definitely would not hurt the piece.
I don't have much to comment on the actual message in the words. I am a cisgender individual, so I don't fully comprehend how difficult your position must be, but I think this piece does a good job of conveying some of the pain and difficulty of your position. What I'm saying is, as far as the message of your writing goes, you did a really good job.
TL;DR : I think it could be a little longer and the formatting could be a bit more standardized, specifically in reference to the fourth stanza. Otherwise, you did a very good job of portraying your emotions. I wish you the best in your endeavors.
Thanks! I have actually had that thought too, I originally wrote it on paper and it feels a bit too short now.
Hi! I like this piece a lot.
Forewarning- I too am trans but in the other direction so perhaps my perspective may be skewed.
Either way, I did very much enjoy this piece. Captures a lot of the emotions associated with transness very well. I'm interpreting this as sort of a soliloquy, as it reads best that way. At the moment, this does very much read like a vent piece (which given the context it likely is.)
Now be sure to note: this is NOT an attempt to besmirch the piece in any sense (my most popular and favorite piece by far is a vent piece) but it is an attempt to make one more aware of the limitations of a piece. A work like this, an emotional soliloquy, often needs emotional contrast, where a character sinks into the depth of one emotion, only to emerge into another, to then either sink once more or change their outlook. I can see the beginnings of the former structure in this story, and I really like it. An additional part near the end talking about the euphoria you mentioned and going into more detail, before descending back into the depressive aspects could definitely enhance tbd emotional punch.
One more thing: perhaps using more passive language when speaking about the things which can trigger dysphoria would fit more thematically? Again, this is more of a personal experience for a transfemme but the idea that the world itself can be naturally transphobic at times can be more compelling than transphobia/dysphoria as the result of a direct, pointed action on the part of an individual or individuals.
Final thoughts: loved this piece, very good stuff, very relatable, and from one trans person to another, keep up the good work!
Thank you! I'm thinking of adding some additional lines to establish the structure more. This will really help me with that. I would say that using active language for the current stanzas helps the dysphoria/transphobia feel more significant and personal, because the actions described are direct actions and sometimes that's all it takes to feel dysphoric. But I agree that using passive voice when describing the feeling of living in a transphobic society would fit thematically.
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