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IronShears 26 Jun 2022 16:58
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » one by one

This is good

Rounderhouse 26 Jun 2022 03:34
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » one by one

Made my bones itch 10/10

Snapdragon133 26 Jun 2022 03:26
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » one by one

This is so so good Crossing, I got chills

Author's Post

UncertaintyCrossing 26 Jun 2022 03:17
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » one by one

A piece based on thoughts I had as a queer man when learning about Forensic Anthropology.

Happy Pride.

Image created by me, released under CC 3.0, like always

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But the time flies, irretrievable.

destinysday 26 Jun 2022 01:34
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » Pygmalion, my love

First comment reservation

Stygian Blue 26 Jun 2022 01:34
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » Pygmalion, my love

Statue outlives creator, creator withers wifeless

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What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

Snapdragon133 25 Jun 2022 23:31
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » It Heralds the Beyond, Inescapable.

This is almost too short, but I think it benefits from having something preceding it and through the way it is written. I want to know more about this world! You worldbuild in a way that lays a lot of info out but is still quite vague about it, and that works quite well here. +1

Stolen first comment >:)

meltedbee 25 Jun 2022 23:00
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » Dandelions

This was probably the closest thing to a life changing story I've read on here. Great work, Stygian!

Author post

Vishardsh 24 Jun 2022 11:04
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » Echoes and the Desert

Thanks to Stygian Blue for critique!

Re: CRIT REQUEST: Dandelions

Vishardsh 23 Jun 2022 23:34
in discussion Forum Discussion / Ideas and Advice » CRIT REQUEST: Dandelions

I really like this! Really fancy prose and very evocative and surreal in places without being hard to follow.

+ Crit

Please take all of this advice with a pinch of salt large enough to embalm the entire population of Europe.

Overall thoughts- I struggled to critique this because I couldn’t find much wrong with it, honestly. Prose is excellent, use of imagery powerful and contributes very well to the overall message, which I managed to pick up after skimming back over it after my first reading so no problems there (I’m usually pretty blind to meaning). I have a few word choice suggestions based on how I write but apart from grammar nothing that objectively needs changing.

-The cliff section is fine- very good, in fact, and the opening part of it with the confused description of the cliff as at once limestone and a trash heap really helps to convey the message of human waste becoming an imposed part of the environment rather than just presenting pollution as simply bad. This perspective is really engaging and well executed. However, one potential problem is that the tense shifts from present to past to present to past to present between paragraphs (starting with "I very nearly did stop there") which, while it makes sense as the protagonist reflecting back on their situation from a point in the future, reads a little oddly as the past tense isn't used anywhere else (unless I missed something).

-SPAG- a few minor things which I've noted

-It definitely makes sense- as I said, even I got the message and there is a very clear progression of place throughout the story, from the neighbourhood to the beach to the cliff to the house, which really helps to give the reader something to anchor onto in the often quite abstract and surreal descriptions

-As for “stilted and disjointed”, while there were a few lines that I, with my dubious grasp of the English language, can point at and

I hate them, you know.

Clear introduction to the theme of disillusionment with nature and the contrast with how the speaker feels is also clear, I think. Also a good introduction to the idea of self-hatred in here, unless I read that wrong, and how the thoughts of leaving this depressive, cynical fugue state and the idea of natural beauty that has been maligned by changing human standards and negligence acting as a reminder that there are still good things in the world being are both inconvenient and aggravating to the speaker. So it’s good, basically

They can be as meager as the simple white maggotlike appendage that first emerges from the brown pebble of a seedling, and can be as thick and broad as a bicep like with yucca.

Sentence is a little long and run-on, and maybe switch “and can be” for “or”. “like with” also feels a bit too colloquial, maybe switch it for “as with” or something similar.

Grass and manicured leafy sculptures became the peak of gardening, and dandelions found a new home in the category of weeds.

Maybe just “leaf”? Positive connotations of “leafy” as an adjective contrasting the negative depiction of said leaf sculptures is good though

Best to travel along the beach, then. There isn’t shade there, never was, and I can’t swim because the water is polluted with ship oil, trash, and cyanobacteria blooms so severe that the water colours red like blood in summer. But I go there anyway, because at least with the sea breeze the air will be cooler. It’s the shorter way around, anyway.

I really like this paragraph- both how the surreal image of the “cyanobacteria” blooms contrasts with earlier surreal imagery with how it’s actually real and how out of place the clinical, scientific word is with the rest of the prose, as well as the link to the idea of the speaker’s mental state and how they feel the need to confront themselves with humanity’s effect on nature as a punitive measure.

It is grey. That’s all.

Maybe “it’s” instead of “it is” to reflect “that’s”? Or the other way around?

Did you know that roses all used to look the same?

Maybe “all roses used to look the same” instead

They were simplistic , fragrant, beautiful in their own right, yet so very violent, growing hardy between tough rocks and hard sand, soaking up the saltwater and expelling the minerals through their leaves and roots, cutting and maiming with their many-directioned thorns like blackberry bines enough that they grew a taste for blood.

Maybe “simple” instead of “simplistic”. This sentence is also quite long

But then, who am I to police the ways of walking the beach full stop here My way may be different from the ways of others.

These two sentences sound a little clumsy, especially with how well the rest of the prose flows

The sad thing is, I will likely forget this chain of thought, along with this revelation, in just a few minutes. I am incredibly forgetful these days.

Maybe paragraph space the “I am incredibly forgetful” line out to match the “my mind is so empty these days” line?

I very nearly did stop there. It was not the dandelions, though, that made me continue. I have been on this path before, and I will walk this path again – again and again and again, perhaps for as long as I live, or perhaps only for as long as I know this to be the only way through life. Once I have found another path, perhaps I will never walk this one the same way again, if ever.

This paragraph is a little run on but not too badly

Though it is blisteringly hot now, so hot that the dark stones under my thick soles feel as though they are orange coals, I know that soon the sea will win the battle over temperature with the sun: should I stay longer, I will get my wish of chill.

“Wish of chill” sounds a little odd to me personally

As I think this, I know: this memory is ephemeral and contained to this place alone, like a billboard you never remember existing and only recall seeing when you read it while stopped at a traffic light.

Maybe lose “existing” and “seeing” for concision. “Contained to this place alone” also sounds odd

I smell the dandelions intermingled with the sharp fragrance of roses on the wind, rotting garbage before and above me, and the deep, earthy aroma of fertilizer and sandstone mixed in with the heavy life of the sea.

Maybe just “mixed” in stead of “mixed in”

I have left before, and I can do it again, and I may have to do so for the rest of my life: endlessly enter and leave and reeneter and releave the beach.

Maybe use dashes for “reenter” and “releave”.

The beach mad made me cynical, unwell, sick of mind.

Is “mad made” a typo (had made)? Because it sounds odd but also works in context.

All rote motions, mind not yet fully gone from the beach – my body has left, but it is taking time, as it always does, for the rest of me to catch up. Everything takes time in this world, including healing.

The last line isn’t quite as strong as the line before it imo, maybe change it?

Personal thoughts on the ending- the fact that the protagonist end up using human-made, artificial things as a symbol of their return from cynicism suggests that not all artificial things are bad as long as they do not actively destroy nature or are discarded as trash, which nicely reflects their disgust and guilt at the pollution throughout the poem. Also a hopeful ending is always nice

Re: Pls don't sue me

Stygian Blue 23 Jun 2022 20:24
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » Stygian Blues

I love this so much, you have no idea. You captured it all so beautifully. The characters, the themes, the EVERYTHING. It's perfect.

I love the black text, by the way. And yes, I'd definitely call this River Canon.

Marvellous work.

- Stygian Blue

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What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

Pls don't sue me

Maxyfran73 23 Jun 2022 20:05
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » Stygian Blues

You ever like, have a dumb idea and decide to just go for it? Yeah. That's where the title came from. I just… Look, river of the underworld? Author with a similar name? It was too perfect not to go for it.

Oh and like, guess it needs to be said: None about the text is in no way, shape or form related to the author. Again, I did it for the lols and the lmaos. I saw the title opportunity as I was writing and decided to go for it. Can't really blame me for it.

…
Ok the white text was kind of his thing but thankfully, this is black text so you can't pin that on me. Purely coincidental. I'm so sorry

…
Anyhow I uh, guess this is also River Canon, maybe? Are cross-canons a thing? Well, if not, they're a thing now. Else this is the first soft-canon piece of it, and that's equally funny in me head.

CRIT REQUEST: Dandelions

Stygian Blue 23 Jun 2022 06:49
in discussion Forum Discussion / Ideas and Advice » CRIT REQUEST: Dandelions

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/stygian-blue Second tab

There is some heavy symbolism in this one.

Crit topics:
- The cliff part is the least edited and most complex, and I know it. How should it be trimmed down? Does it need to be trimmed down in the first place? Does it make sense there?
- How is the SPaG? I did exactly one pass of revision before dumping it here because it is 11:47pm and I know I will not post it here if I wait until tomorrow morning because by them I will have tricked myself into thinking that it is bad.
- Does it make sense? Both in themes and in story.
- AAAAAAAAAAA! Or, in other words, where do the words feel stilted and/or disjointed? Where are the points with too much/too little description? Where are the points that felt confusing and/or separated from the rest of the work?

Thank you for your help!

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What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

Rounderhouse 23 Jun 2022 03:51
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » Ambrose Wanderers' Library: A Review

I'm upvoting this primarily because of the first three quarters — the review, that is. It's fun, it's well-written, it has actual proper character and voice and opinion to it. You lay out your narrator and use him to explore the sorry state of Ambrose pretty interestingly and using dope imagery, enough that I was snickering at certain points. It was solid stuff.

I don't think the Twitter Void part here works quite as well for me, unfortunately. Admittedly I may be a bit biased here, which I will readily admit to — but I do think that the individual posts lack the escalation that the one you guys are pulling from had, with it being left wholly onto the trending posts that I used as a sort of secondary escalation. That, combined with the fact that it's primarily people saying the same thing without any new information being revealed to the reader until the post from Chaz, make me feel like it was a little less fun than I'd hoped.

All that said, it's still a fun little ride for the vast majority of its runtime and knowing that my angle is a little different than most readers, I still upvoted it. Nice stuff.

Re: CRIT REQUEST: Watching from the City

destinysday 23 Jun 2022 03:50
in discussion Forum Discussion / Ideas and Advice » CRIT REQUEST: Watching from the City

Does it flow well?
-I'd argue the transition at the beginning when you start talking about the paint(start of the 2nd stanza) was pretty abrupt but the piece flows well overall.

Does the meaning come across clearly?
-Obviously, you and I had a talk about what you intended the meaning to be. But after reading it a few times, I can't say that's what I got out of it. I never found myself thinking about any potential services and the failure to render them, rather, I thought it was focusing on consequences. The character in question refuses to listen to others and does their own thing. They chose to eat the paint, which in turn caused them to get sick. They chose to push people away and not listen to others, which lead to them being alone and not having the help they needed before their fall. Sure, the school might have done more, or someone could have been there for them, but at the end of the day it was their actions, and their consequences they had to deal with.

Of course, this is just my take on the meaning. If you wanted to stick to your original take on the meaning, however, then consider emphasizing what others could have done to prevent this outcome. At the beginning you mention the school and "so was it really your fault" which goes toward your original point, but the rest of the piece focuses on them

Are the bookending stanzas something that add meaning?
- I think the last stanza goes on just a bit too long with its descriptions( ie the quicklime, magnesium, and phosphorus lines) But id say it helps wrap things up. The narrator is alone on this bridge and the middle helps the reader know why.

Does the ending feel like a resolution?
-Yes, given the context from the rest of the piece it wraps things up

Name suggestions
- I suck with names and ultimately its up to you but maybe the title could reflect the struggles of the unnamed character? idk

Image Attribution

meltedbee 23 Jun 2022 02:46
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » A Note to my Muse

Source: Wikimedia images, all credit to author Michael "Mike" L. Baird
License: Creative Commons 2.0 Generic
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Morro_bay_state_park_marina_sunset.jpg

Snapdragon133 23 Jun 2022 02:38
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » A Note to my Muse

I also loved the gumball metaphor, along with this whole piece. All the little pieces in this shortform work really come together and form a strong emotional center. +1!!

Deliciously evil collab

Din-Bidor 23 Jun 2022 02:20
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » Ambrose Wanderers' Library: A Review

Styg, I could eat you. Here's to another successful collab!

Stygian Blue 23 Jun 2022 02:17
in discussion Per Page Discussion / Per page discussions » Ambrose Wanderers' Library: A Review

eat people :)

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What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

Re: CRIT REQUEST: Watching from the City

Jackyfudge 21 Jun 2022 21:10
in discussion Forum Discussion / Ideas and Advice » CRIT REQUEST: Watching from the City

I would like to start this off with : I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. I don't know the word for feeling proud of someone else's work? but it would apply here. With that out of the way, I feel like I know what the pipes and paint are hinting at but it really just confused me. I'm going to go here on out with the thought that they signify authority figures taking out the creativity and life out of life? It is hard to figure out the exact meaning but I love that everything described after this has no colour that isn't black/white/gray. Secondly the fall oh my lord the fall. All it's visuals are SO GOOD I can picture exactly what it would look like and I love it and hate it. Finally the ending. It seemed like it kept going up and up to this big crescendo and it could've ended amazingly multiple times but for me the current end felt anticlimactic. I understand that ending and starting with the bridge and city could be of importance but the bridge felt a lot better than ending with the city because it is the main location of where the story is. I personally would end on against the blackness of the world but this is entirely your choice and if you want to keep the parallels that is totally okay.

If I'm understanding the meaning right potential titles could be : A world drained of colour, The bridge where creativity died or something along those lines.

For things I might not have addressed. I think it flows really well I didn't notice anything out of place or anything that felt weird. I really hope this is constructive and not just mean because I love this so much and really want to see it posted. In my eyes it's a bit rough around the edges but you could have someone else say it's complete and I wouldn't really argue.

Thanks for letting me read this and have an amazing day!

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