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This is good

by IronShearsIronShears, 26 Jun 2022 16:58

Made my bones itch 10/10

by RounderhouseRounderhouse, 26 Jun 2022 03:34

This is so so good Crossing, I got chills

by Snapdragon133Snapdragon133, 26 Jun 2022 03:26

A piece based on thoughts I had as a queer man when learning about Forensic Anthropology.

Happy Pride.

Image created by me, released under CC 3.0, like always

But the time flies, irretrievable.

Author's Post by UncertaintyCrossingUncertaintyCrossing, 26 Jun 2022 03:17

First comment reservation

by destinysdaydestinysday, 26 Jun 2022 01:34

Statue outlives creator, creator withers wifeless

What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

by Stygian BlueStygian Blue, 26 Jun 2022 01:34

This is almost too short, but I think it benefits from having something preceding it and through the way it is written. I want to know more about this world! You worldbuild in a way that lays a lot of info out but is still quite vague about it, and that works quite well here. +1

by Snapdragon133Snapdragon133, 25 Jun 2022 23:31

This was probably the closest thing to a life changing story I've read on here. Great work, Stygian!

Stolen first comment >:) by meltedbeemeltedbee, 25 Jun 2022 23:00

Thanks to Stygian BlueStygian Blue for critique!

Author post by VishardshVishardsh, 24 Jun 2022 11:04

I really like this! Really fancy prose and very evocative and surreal in places without being hard to follow.

Re: CRIT REQUEST: Dandelions by VishardshVishardsh, 23 Jun 2022 23:34

I love this so much, you have no idea. You captured it all so beautifully. The characters, the themes, the EVERYTHING. It's perfect.

I love the black text, by the way. And yes, I'd definitely call this River Canon.

Marvellous work.

- Stygian Blue

What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

Re: Pls don't sue me by Stygian BlueStygian Blue, 23 Jun 2022 20:24

You ever like, have a dumb idea and decide to just go for it? Yeah. That's where the title came from. I just… Look, river of the underworld? Author with a similar name? It was too perfect not to go for it.

Oh and like, guess it needs to be said: None about the text is in no way, shape or form related to the author. Again, I did it for the lols and the lmaos. I saw the title opportunity as I was writing and decided to go for it. Can't really blame me for it.

Ok the white text was kind of his thing but thankfully, this is black text so you can't pin that on me. Purely coincidental. I'm so sorry

Anyhow I uh, guess this is also River Canon, maybe? Are cross-canons a thing? Well, if not, they're a thing now. Else this is the first soft-canon piece of it, and that's equally funny in me head.

Pls don't sue me by Maxyfran73Maxyfran73, 23 Jun 2022 20:05 Second tab

There is some heavy symbolism in this one.

Crit topics:
- The cliff part is the least edited and most complex, and I know it. How should it be trimmed down? Does it need to be trimmed down in the first place? Does it make sense there?
- How is the SPaG? I did exactly one pass of revision before dumping it here because it is 11:47pm and I know I will not post it here if I wait until tomorrow morning because by them I will have tricked myself into thinking that it is bad.
- Does it make sense? Both in themes and in story.
- AAAAAAAAAAA! Or, in other words, where do the words feel stilted and/or disjointed? Where are the points with too much/too little description? Where are the points that felt confusing and/or separated from the rest of the work?

Thank you for your help!

What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

CRIT REQUEST: Dandelions by Stygian BlueStygian Blue, 23 Jun 2022 06:49

I'm upvoting this primarily because of the first three quarters — the review, that is. It's fun, it's well-written, it has actual proper character and voice and opinion to it. You lay out your narrator and use him to explore the sorry state of Ambrose pretty interestingly and using dope imagery, enough that I was snickering at certain points. It was solid stuff.

I don't think the Twitter Void part here works quite as well for me, unfortunately. Admittedly I may be a bit biased here, which I will readily admit to — but I do think that the individual posts lack the escalation that the one you guys are pulling from had, with it being left wholly onto the trending posts that I used as a sort of secondary escalation. That, combined with the fact that it's primarily people saying the same thing without any new information being revealed to the reader until the post from Chaz, make me feel like it was a little less fun than I'd hoped.

All that said, it's still a fun little ride for the vast majority of its runtime and knowing that my angle is a little different than most readers, I still upvoted it. Nice stuff.

by RounderhouseRounderhouse, 23 Jun 2022 03:51

Does it flow well?
-I'd argue the transition at the beginning when you start talking about the paint(start of the 2nd stanza) was pretty abrupt but the piece flows well overall.

Does the meaning come across clearly?
-Obviously, you and I had a talk about what you intended the meaning to be. But after reading it a few times, I can't say that's what I got out of it. I never found myself thinking about any potential services and the failure to render them, rather, I thought it was focusing on consequences. The character in question refuses to listen to others and does their own thing. They chose to eat the paint, which in turn caused them to get sick. They chose to push people away and not listen to others, which lead to them being alone and not having the help they needed before their fall. Sure, the school might have done more, or someone could have been there for them, but at the end of the day it was their actions, and their consequences they had to deal with.

Of course, this is just my take on the meaning. If you wanted to stick to your original take on the meaning, however, then consider emphasizing what others could have done to prevent this outcome. At the beginning you mention the school and "so was it really your fault" which goes toward your original point, but the rest of the piece focuses on them

Are the bookending stanzas something that add meaning?
- I think the last stanza goes on just a bit too long with its descriptions( ie the quicklime, magnesium, and phosphorus lines) But id say it helps wrap things up. The narrator is alone on this bridge and the middle helps the reader know why.

Does the ending feel like a resolution?
-Yes, given the context from the rest of the piece it wraps things up

Name suggestions
- I suck with names and ultimately its up to you but maybe the title could reflect the struggles of the unnamed character? idk

Source: Wikimedia images, all credit to author Michael "Mike" L. Baird
License: Creative Commons 2.0 Generic

Image Attribution by meltedbeemeltedbee, 23 Jun 2022 02:46

I also loved the gumball metaphor, along with this whole piece. All the little pieces in this shortform work really come together and form a strong emotional center. +1!!

by Snapdragon133Snapdragon133, 23 Jun 2022 02:38

Styg, I could eat you. Here's to another successful collab!

Deliciously evil collab by Din-BidorDin-Bidor, 23 Jun 2022 02:20

eat people :)

What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?

by Stygian BlueStygian Blue, 23 Jun 2022 02:17

I would like to start this off with : I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. I don't know the word for feeling proud of someone else's work? but it would apply here. With that out of the way, I feel like I know what the pipes and paint are hinting at but it really just confused me. I'm going to go here on out with the thought that they signify authority figures taking out the creativity and life out of life? It is hard to figure out the exact meaning but I love that everything described after this has no colour that isn't black/white/gray. Secondly the fall oh my lord the fall. All it's visuals are SO GOOD I can picture exactly what it would look like and I love it and hate it. Finally the ending. It seemed like it kept going up and up to this big crescendo and it could've ended amazingly multiple times but for me the current end felt anticlimactic. I understand that ending and starting with the bridge and city could be of importance but the bridge felt a lot better than ending with the city because it is the main location of where the story is. I personally would end on against the blackness of the world but this is entirely your choice and if you want to keep the parallels that is totally okay.

If I'm understanding the meaning right potential titles could be : A world drained of colour, The bridge where creativity died or something along those lines.

For things I might not have addressed. I think it flows really well I didn't notice anything out of place or anything that felt weird. I really hope this is constructive and not just mean because I love this so much and really want to see it posted. In my eyes it's a bit rough around the edges but you could have someone else say it's complete and I wouldn't really argue.

Thanks for letting me read this and have an amazing day!

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