Image is from here, and is CC compliant: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonemasonry#/media/File:Steinmetz.jpg
All feedback is welcome ^^! I am not sure if I captured the essence of a press release correctly, or if perhaps this isn't the best format for a story here. But I wanted to try something new and slightly off-center anyway. Tell me what you think.
i add poem too
it good, you read. good poems, for reading
Eh, well both intentions that you mentioned are essentially connected; in other words, they're both affected by the way that you'll correct all the scenes, so just do your best to get the rest of the message through the story =D.
tag: verse.
When you say concise do you mean specifically in how accurately I describe what's happening or in the more broad sense of what I want to get across?
So I suppose there are two directions I can take it. I can develop these instances more with concrete details and build up to the ending more clearly, or I could make the rest of the story more bizarre and surreal so the ending doesn't feel so misplaced.
You can do both. The dream scene, for instance, can be reworked to be both more bizarre and meaningful to the overall story: Perhaps the bizarre dream now references choking…Or perhaps it references a fear of hurting others, which causes the narrator's throat to close up…Followed by the image of a vicious python…Whatever you feel fits the story, as long as it is well-executed and contributes to the message.
I think the speaker not noticing the plant on their neck fits with that kind of strange tone, as well as leaving out details of individual moments.
If you want to do this, for example, you must be entirely concise with how you paint the other scenes, since insanity is probably the only way any of this makes sense.
Post again if you have another draft, or if you have any questions.
Thank you for the feedback! I would like to clarify a couple things.
I can't even imagine a cloud being anything besides a cloud.
The cloud thing I intended as a reference to that old trope of people looking at clouds and seeing things like faces, objects, etc. I kinda want to keep it, but I can edit it so it's more clear.
Mainly, I want to clarify where I imagine this going (and it's not there yet, of course). While I was writing, I wanted a mood similar to a Franz Kafka story (I think "The Cares of a Family Man" is a good one for comparison). I think the speaker not noticing the plant on their neck fits with that kind of strange tone, as well as leaving out details of individual moments. That said, I can understand if that's not the best approach for this story, on top of it being not executed the best way. So I suppose there are two directions I can take it. I can develop these instances more with concrete details and build up to the ending more clearly, or I could make the rest of the story more bizarre and surreal so the ending doesn't feel so misplaced. Which one would you recommend (or any other suggestion you think I need to hear)?
Right off the bat, I see a lot of issues with verb tenses.
The next moment is about as clear as the first.
It should be "was", or if you want to keep the narration style of "someone recounting the story in past tense with present tense commentary", you could say "I remember the next moment as clearly as the first". Fix these errors throughout.
…someone would ask "Why did you turn around?"
You need a comma after "ask". You make this mistake a few other times, so please correct all instances.
Before I assume it was the laughter. Whether or not I was faking it, that would make a bit of sense to fake, as I wouldn't want to be that person to imply a joke wasn't funny. But I mean, I was in the privacy of my own home during this second instance.
This is extremely confusing. Please fix clarification and consistency with what you wrote before.
I can't even imagine a cloud being anything besides a cloud.
What does this even mean/how does it fit? Is it intentionally confusing?
The dream I'd hadn't
Had, not hadn't.
I simply let myself spin around and fall, my back hitting the wall…
Hmm, I can't visualize this, unless you mention that the basement is small enough for this to happen.
The white fluff around it's head…
Its, not it's. Fix this error a few more times.
Well, something like this could fit on here, but it definitely needs more improvement. The story itself is a little confusing, and you should at least clear up all of the scenes.
So I wrote this spontaneously in an hour and a half…
I ask that you reread your entire story and see if it follows whatever you had planned. Also, why does the narrator never notice the end result until the end? It seems somewhat noticeable. Please reply with any thoughts that you have, or any clarification/questions that you would like me to know/respond to.
The historical context really heightened the impact of this piece for me.
This has some excellent philosophical humor in it. Really good stuff.
Oh fuck me, that's what I get for doing this at 2 AM. Here, so sorry.
There is no sandbox linked.
So I wrote this spontaneously in an hour and a half without much consideration for if it would be appropriate to post to the Wanderer's Library. I've read a few things on here, and from what I gather it's much more centered on a mythology/fantasy theme. This story I wrote closer to being modern and surreal, is the issue. So would a story like this work fine on the site, or would it go too hard against the theming? And either way, could it be improved, or is there not enough here to develop?
Here's the sandbox, first tab titled "What's Missing?"
I don't watch a lot of news, so I just went off of like the most basic thing I could think of; So thank you for the suggestion. Yeah, mmm Grammarly helped but wasn't great on a whole Anyway on to the point.
When it comes to using the
Also, why do you substitute quotes for apostrophes and brackets sometimes, and forget the proper grammar with quotes?
This is just kind of a bad habit having apostrophes for inner monolog and brackets for what a charter would be saying. I do get that it's confusing. I personally never had a problem with it, but I do know it's not how a lot of people write inner monolog.
It feels like these characters are more than regular humans, which is shown, but you never really explain or expand
They both are, but I felt that just saying "Hey I'm XXXX and my goal is XXXXX" was kind of crap; I do think more internal dialog will help clear this up since I wanted to have the reader to not just be hit with a superhuman/self insert sorta thing.
On a whole, thanks for the feedback; this is why I need another set of eyes help.
Oh! on a side note, the "Book of Discovery" and such can be ignored; it's mostly for my purpose of saying what arc my character is in.
Hey there, it's me Avelon, and I have some review!
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/wonder-of-worlds-arc-1
Above is my sandbox link, and it's almost finished chapter 1 of my story (about 80-85%), and I feel like the last part with them talking feels stilted and stiff. If someone could be kind enough to read it over and give me some feedback, it'd be nice.
Also, can I note I paid for premium Grammarly for this, so this stupid program had better help me a lot more than just punctuation.
Not great at discord to be honest but I can give it a shot, also uh, i'll need to figure out sandbox so far i'll I write on is google docs.
Thanks for the advice tho i'll get to it.
This thread is almost 7 years old, please go to the stickied second thread next time.
Hi there! We have two ways to get critique:
We have an Ideas and Advice forum where you can post a link to your sandbox and one of the reviewers on the site will give you critique.
You can also get critique in the workshop channel on our Discord server.
Where's a good forum/site to get my story pre-read I mean as a writer you can be your own harshest critic so I'd like another take on it and. .I don't have friends because I'm a bleeping shut-in.
It's already being worked on ;)
Please standby, and just have fun contributing on your own !
