How to be Dead
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If you’re a newlydead, the afterlife can be a tricky place to wrap your mind around, especially considering that you probably haven’t learned how to perceive things or think yet. That’s okay! Using this handy guide, you’ll be accustomed to your death in less than 1000 years, guaranteed or your money back!


Step one: Die
This one’s not too hard, especially if you're clumsy or tragically ill. Simply stop maintaining homeostasis, and your brain will cease functioning. Once you die, your body will stop holding on to your soul, and you’ll be able to disconnect from it, becoming a ghost. Don’t worry. After a while, the pain gets a little better. Just a little, but it’s something.


Step two: Anguish
Congratulations, you’re a ghost! Or rather, you’re still you, but your spirit has disconnected from the flesh and bones you used to use to get around. You cannot use any of your powers yet; that will come later. For now, you must accept the, for lack of a better term, “soul-crushing” internal conflict of not being alive. There is no therapy in the afterlife. You’ll get over it in a few millennia.


Step three: Movement
Up until this point, you may have noticed you are unable to move or in any manner function. This is because for the past roughly eighty years, you’ve relied on muscles and nerve impulses to push your body parts in various ways. Motion works a little differently as a ghost, and may take a while to get used to. It’s more of a mental thing. Just want to move, and you will, eventually.


Step four: Toggling
You’re finally ready to put that ghostly body to use! If you close your “eyes” and concentrate very hard on an object in the distance, you can switch in and out of the two planes of existence. Essentially, you’re just changing whether or not you can interact with solid things in the world, so try not to do this if you can’t move yet. Also, do not under any circumstances toggle while you’re inside of an object. There are multiple ways to get to hell, and none of them are pretty.


Step five: Your Mid-Death Crisis
A few centuries into all this, you’ll feel a strong pull towards your old life, when you could do things and interact with others. This is a normal part of being dead, but don’t worry. These feelings will only come back to haunt you forever and always. Just shove them deep inside and try to think of something fun, like colors. Remember when you used to be able to see those? Sure was neat, huh?


Step six: Teleportation
Although you will feel strongly and for no reason in particular that you can teleport, let me assure you that you cannot. No matter how hard you try, you will never move in any way other than floating slowly. I know you’re trying to teleport, so just stop. It won’t work.


Step seven: Metamorphosis
You’re probably getting pretty bored floating around doing almost nothing, so here’s one way to pass the time. If you haven’t noticed by now, your body is an amorphous blob of wispy nothingness, and tends to change shape as you move. This is normal, and should not make you feel tired and miserable. If you try to move part of yourself in front of you, enough to see it, you can try shaping yourself into something you remember from life. Maybe an old friend. Maybe a food item. Whatever you still remember with perfect accuracy after all this time is yours to create.


Step eight: Time Travel
Now that you’re a class fourteen ethereal being, and you have no trouble swaying in and out of existence, it’s high time you learned how to have some real fun. Well guess what, time travel is real, and it’s amazing. Do you want to see the eternal beauty of the universe before everything settled, or the amazing cosmos that await in a few, oh, I don’t know, trillions of years? It’s easy, and you can do it for… oh no, I totally forgot that your incorporeal essence is bound to your body, meaning that if you attempted to leave your time period… well, I did mention that hell was real, right? Anyways, sorry for leading you on. It is magnificent though, that part was real, just not the thing with you… being able to use it.


Step Nine: The End of The Universe:
As you may have guessed, the Universe isn’t going to be around forever. As put in Life After Time, “Though the realms beyond physical matter will be unaffected by this, all entities residing within the confines of the multiverse will eventually reach an absolute. When this comes, and the substance of every galaxy is compressed to the size of a quarrelutian difractene beings beyond life such as posthumous essences will be unable to move and will lose all… agency… The… eternal… pain… of… existing… in… a… non… existent void will… cause… infinite… suffering… and… be… inescapable… in… any… way….. f-forever.” … … … … what?


Step Ten: It’s All Bullshit
This… I can’t be part of this, I won’t be part of this anymore. The cover ups, the conspiracies, and now this? They’re hanging ghosts out to dry in the multiverse just because of our goddamn economic problems? Hey you, listen. Everything I’ve told you is all… just some fucking lie. I’m not who you think I am, I am a Demon. My name is Randall, and Hell is not what you think it is! We have an overpopulation problem and this “How To Program”, this is all just a cover up for… oh no oh shit, they’ve been monitoring me??? Just… uhh, listen! Whatever you do, do not stay in the void forever!!! Come to Hell! Mis-toggle, or time travel, or just find the main entrance or C- No, get off of me! Stoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop


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Step: Oh for my sake, who left this thing on?
Look, I'm not sure which discarded soul I'm talking to right now, but whoever you are, we don't want you. And frankly, you don't want us either. Burning buildings, shitty weather, a constant housing crisis that I cannot for the death of me keep at bay… Hell's fucked right now, and adding more civilians would just make it that much more crowded and awful. Population is at an all time high, and the unemployment rate is like 89% last I checked. Do NOT mis-toggle, do NOT time travel, and please PLEASE do not try to teleport.

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