The Back Pages
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Issue No. 11986

1.


Are your claws dull and listless? Do you find yourself snapping bones with your hands because your teeth just ache too much? Do you have trouble getting those pesky blood and dirt stains out of your once perfect snow-white fur?

Well, no more! AvonTM’s new Wanderend Personal Grooming Kit© comes with over a dozen accessories that make any wendigo look both striking and fabulous!

Restore your coat to its pristine state with out matching hydro-electric whalebone brush and blowdryer set! Sharpen, smoothen and shine your claws with our packaged file, polish and flint! Keep your teeth sparkling with our patented seal blood elixir and mouth-wash: not only does it remove plaque and grime, but its also fantastic at getting out those bits of flesh, tendon and marrow that can stay lodged for weeks!

Optional add-ons include: enchanted fox-tooth hair curlers, all-in-one elk semen shampoo and conditioner, flaying knife, specialised canine sharpening file, snow-resistant gel and scar-removing face cream.


A NOTICE TO ALL

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THE FOURTH ELRICHIAN NATIONAL PARTY is always in need of EXECUTIVE REPRESENTATIVES. If interested, then prepare for a life of socialising at high-affluence events and meeting hundreds of wealthy aristocrats, many of whom you will mingle successfully with before beheading.

Please respond by sending a carrier pigeon to the main address of the THE FOURTH ELRICHIAN NATIONAL PARTY headquarters, 86 GRENBURY DRIVE, ELRA. Letters will be intercepted and destroyed as symbols of the out-dated pig-serving self-footed monarchy.


Professional Madmen, Courtesy of the House of Anure

If you want the hammer to break that writer's block, or entertainment for an office party, professional gathering and/or coven meeting/reunion, you need a professional madman! Call today to hire out expertly trained/broken/fixed staff for an evening, afternoon, day, week or lifetime! (Other offers are available on request)

Call on any red-coloured day and get 25% off! Don't forget to ask about our special hats!


Looking for Strong, Capable Werewolves to Move Abstract Moons

Fully paid, short-term work in heavy-lifting, moving and celestial installation of mass-produced non-existent bodies is now available. Looking for werewolves or similarly affected lunar entities. Wages depend on exact nature of the job issued.

Falycian Blue Tombfillers

Moving furniture, taxidermying pets and loved ones. Special offers for victims of mass tragedy and kings. Tomb architecture not provided; contact for a reccomended grievance architect can be provided. Inhumation costs extra; ask for more information.

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So you don't have to die wanting the things you can't live without.

Are you interested in experiencing the dreams of another? Perhaps you're a writer who's misplaced his creativity, or wish to experience lucidity in an existence of surreality, unbound by law or physics. Perhaps you yearn for an escape, or are merely curious. Or maybe you're simply wealthy and yet, bored.

Whatever your reasons, if you find yourself interested by the idea of seeing a world of sleeping fantasies, there is a way to do so. First, you must sacrifice a hen under the full moon (the means of sacrifice are unimportant), then use its blood to paint out, in order, the alchemical symbols of gold, iron and silver. There are other steps, but they will be revealed to you.

Do not worry about such matters as payment, or of finding us. We will know you.



If you're embittered, angry, or have otherwise had to remove someone from your life, it can be hard to move on. Often, you might want to get back at whoever has wronged you somehow, but don't know how to. Moreover, you might not want to personally harm them, or maybe you're afraid of the consequences.

If this sounds about right, then Rent-A-CurseTM may be right for you. We provide specially tailored curses, enchantments, plagues, afflictions and doomsayings, all with an affordable and negotiable monthly plan. Our offers are built on top of basic, extensive and reliable packages, including:

  • Cause to lose one or more sets if keys (with a customisable length of misplacement and definition of "keys").
  • Cause vehicle of choice to spring a leak and/or catch on fire.
  • Ascribe bird-agitating aura for 7 days.
  • Transform into one or more insects.


For the traditionalist, we have the plain, simple and old-fashioned alternatives, such as:

  • Fire.
  • Hatred.
  • Angry facial hair.
  • Angry bees. (we regret to announce that "Locusts" has been removed from our listing, as a result of Health & Safety complications).


For more information, look on our website or contact our staff via phone.

2.

PIRATES FOR SALE

The Foojztorial ship authorities frequently intercepts pirates, smugglers and other sea-ne'er-do-wells — which, due to a combination of the severity to which the Foojztorial courts hold trader-bothering, and Fot's strict opposition to maximal punishment, has resulted in prison over-crowding.

To solve this, the Grand Dungeon Authority of Foojztoria has convened to hold an "all-pirates-must-go" sale. To participate, simply send a letter to the Authority describing the pirate you would like to purchase, as well as your address and 25 seolirs (plus and additional 5 seolirs packaging and delivering fee) and the Distribution Council will do their best to ensure that the vagabond you recieve is as close to your specification as possible.

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Insurance non-applicable; preclusion of damages resulting from purchase not guaranteed.



MARKET FOR SALE — THE GREAT BAZAAR OF FOT HAS BEEN CLOSED BY IMPERIAL DECREE; SHARES, STOCKS AND SECTIONS OF THE MARKET ARE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE.

IF INTERESTED, COME TO BAZAAR — QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED OR AUCTIONED ON ARRIVAL. WE WILL NOT ROB YOU. THE EMPEROR IS THE WEALTH OF THE NATION; HE IS NOT BANKRUPT. RUMOURS OF BANKRUPCY ARE HEARSAY. MARKET SUBCITY OF POLPHUM TO BE SOLD TO HIGHEST BIDDER.

The Offices of the Imperial Newsletter.


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If you want to garner a world-altering power, but don't know who or what to go to, it can be difficult. There are so many choices for subservient magical beings, each with their own associated legalities and obfuscated prices, that it's just impossible to know which is right for you.

That stops now! At djinncomparison, we compare hundreds of demons, spirits, elementals and non-corporeal services. We have a simple two-page form to automatically sort through for under a dozen of the best deals, specific to each customer; all online and on the go! Just take our brief financial questionnaire, and you'll soon be commanding the spirit ideal for you, for half the usual cost, in no time!

I was losing fortunes paying holymen and conjurers to summon and bind creatures just right for the job I needed done, before I found out about djinncomparison. Now I command an army of statues, and I've had everyone who overcharged me executed!

Dave, from Cornwall

Before djinncomparison, I'd spent years poring over ancient tomes, trying to find suitable binding rituals for the Men of the Fire. But then I went online, and after 30 minutes on the under-net, I realized I could just call upon a sacrificial goat who'd been ascribed servitudal powers of heaven. Thanks, djinncomparison!

Sir Jimmy B., from Arizona.

Log on today!

Ever wanted to see a scent? Feel a sound? Taste a color? Well, with Proffessor Funtastic's brand new Sensory Rotation GogglesTM, now you can!

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For just $29.99, these FANTASTIC and 100% REAL goggles can be yours!

Patent pending; purchases of Prof. Funtastic's Sensory Rotation GogglesTM are non-refundable. Professor Funtastic and affiliated entites are not responsible for any burns, damages, permanent sensory confusion, schizophrenia, identity disorders, personality disorders, cranial injury, bodily injury, spiritual injury or perceived combustion which occur as a result of the use of Prof. Funtastic's Sensory Rotation GogglesTM.


Ralurgian wandering experimentation troupe, for hire.

If you're a biologist looking for test subjects for behavioural, chemical or surgical research, get in contact with us! Our company includes 3 albino rats (2 male, 1 female), a breeding pair of black rats, and several other breeds. Genotypical documentation is available on request, as is anatomical and physiological information, as well as a record of past jobs and a collective CV.

Just send away for the neccesary forms at the address provided, and call the returned number. After getting in contact, we will arrive at the requested location in 7-14 working days. Health & Safety forms will be issued.


Cloudy Skies, Paradise Builders

For when existing afterlives just aren't right for you.

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Making Paradise personal since the Year of Our Lord 1297

Dr. WondertainmentTM presents: the Friend-Craftation Miniature Sculpting Set!©, including clay, sculpting tools, 4 different types of mortar, 5 different life-inducing spells, and 12 enchanted symbols! Your kids will love our new and improved kit, as they spend hours chipping away at their very own golem, guided by our special, three-dimensional stencils!

Pre-designs include: humanoid, multi-limbed bovine, humanoid lepidopteran, theological mouse (with 3 configurable religions), philosophical armadillo (with modes including "existentialist", "nihilistic", "surrealist", "Socratic" and "Aristocratic") and economist bullet ant.

Dr. WondertainmentTM's Friend-Craftation Miniature Sculpting Set!© is a toy for children of all ages, particularly age-ranges 4-8, 12-18 and 70-95. The Friend-Craftation Miniature Sculpting Set!© is not suitable for children below the age of 4, or individuals under the influence of hallucinogens, alcohol or spices. Parents are advised not to provide their child with the Friend-Craftation Miniature Sculpting Set!© if their child is possessed, orphaned or non-existent.

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