A Series of Irksome Rectangles

Notice to All Library Patrons:

Magazine inserts are a commonplace, if somewhat vexatious sight, especially in our periodicals section and on the floor of the nearby reading room. Please be advised, however, that these irksome rectangles remain the property of The Library, and that its diverse inmates will not tolerate damage to or destruction of these items. Please refrain from discarding, folding, or marking on these inserts.

From time to time, the librarians will collect these cards and file them appropriately in the cabinets labeled Aleph-19 through Samekh-44. Duplicate subscription cards are available at the Periodicals Desk. The Archivist on duty can provide assistance if you wish to subscribe to one of these magazines, but on no account should you attempt to do so without guidance, lest you become encumbered with material which is incomprehensible, imaginary, or hostile to your form of life.

Thank you for your kind attention, and please enjoy your time at The Library.

Balthazar Grelanth
Periodicals Department

Pre-printed subscription card from Planasthai, 1983, issue 24 [filed in cabinet Yodh-55, shelf 14, box 33]

Subscribe to Planasthai

☐ YES! Please send me 5 years of Planasthai for the amazingly low price of one True Name of an unknown god. That's just 0.00385 of a True Name per issue, a savings of 57% off the cover price! ☐ Yes Please send me a year and a day of Planasthai for the low price of the breath of a fish, two identical snowflakes, a spider's voice, or a single feather from a phoenix's wing. This is more than 29% off the cover price. ☐ OK Send me 6 months of Planasthai for only 799 drams of white lamb's blood, or 3 easy payments of 275 drams each. ☐ No I do not want to take advantage of this amazingly generous offer. I don't care about the latest news and gossip from the hidden world. The secrets of the Cosmos Itself hold no interest for me. My life is boring and mundane, and I want it to stay that way.

Name: Antoine Lavoisier Address: Cimetiere de Picpus Paris Phone: $-$ ☐ Large Print ☐ Braille ☐ Infra-red ☑ Ectoplasmic Payment will be automatically collected by the most convenient means. Alternate methods of payment may be available. Contact our main office for more details. Allow 2-3 fortnights for delivery of first issue. Wash hands and eyes thoroughly before opening. ◾ ◾ ◾ 680551034-♍-02-☿-6797

Notification card from the final issue of The Non-Referential Journal [filed in cabinet Yodh-12, shelf 13, box 2]

Notice: Final Issue

Loyal Reader, For decades, The Non-Referential Journal has brought you complete and up to date lists of all magazine articles that do not reference themselves. We have been an invaluable resource for logicians and philosophers everywhere, and had hoped to continue this tradition, but sadly, it is not to be. It has recently been noted that The Non-Referential Journal, being a magazine itself, and having never referenced itself, should of course be listed within itself. The thoughtful reader will immediately realize that doing so would cause The Non-Referential Journal to reference itself, thereby making it ineligible for listing in The Non-Referential Journal. Of course. by not being listed, our magazine, once again, must be listed. Despite our best efforts, we have been unable to resolve this problem, and therefore, with regret, we must cease publication of The Non-Referential Journal. Our sister publication, The Epimenides Quarterly, will continue to be published despite what you may have read in that publication. It is well known that everything printed in the The Epimenides Quarterly is a lie. yours with consistency, ed. Bertrand Russell

Notification card from Planasthai, 2008, issue 3: Forty-seven identical copies of this card were found in one magazine. Several had unexplained charring around the edges, and were discarded. [one copy filed in cabinet Kaph-02, shelf 6, box 19]

From Your Friends at Planasthai

Dear Friend, To better serve you, our beloved customer, Planasthai has simplified and consolidated its operations. This will result in substantial savings* to you. Accordingly, in the future, you may notice some minor changes to our format. In particular, starting with this issue, we are no longer publishing in antimatter form. If you have been receiving the antimatter edition of Planasthai, please be careful† while handling the current issue, and all future issues. Also, we highly recommend† that you avoid contact with this card. Please be assured that these changes will in no way affect the exceptional reporting quality* or outstanding editorial standards* of this publication. Planasthai will continue to provide the finest information and entertainment for years to come. with all sincerity*, your friends at Planasthai * Exact definition or degree of some words may vary from that expected by the customer. Neither Planasthai, its publisher, nor the publisher's parent company is liable for any loss or damages caused by any lexical or verbal misunderstanding or disagreement. † Safety tips and other advice are provided as a courtesy. Neither Planasthai, its publisher, nor the publisher's parent company is liable for any damage caused by mutual annihilation of matter and antimatter, release of gamma radiation, or other physical phenomena.

Subscription card found inside a box labeled "Apples and Oranges". It is presumably for The Smullyan Report, although it is difficult to be sure [filed in cabinet Lamedh-38, shelf 9, box 71]

This Card Has No Title

Please check exactly one of the following boxes. ☐ A By checking Box A, you will receive one free introductory issue of The Smullyan Report. Further issues will arrive at the rate of one per month. You may cancel at any time. Also, please note that this is the absolute truth, but that Box B is a complete lie. ☐ B By checking Box B, you will receive one free introductory issue of The Smullyan Report. Further issues will arrive at the rate of one per month. You may cancel at any time. Also, please note that this is the absolute truth, but that Box A is a complete lie. ☐ C By checking Box C, you will get no issues of The Smullyan Report. Instead you will receive a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Further issues will not be delivered, not even at the rate of one per month. You may not ever cancel. Also, please note that this is completely and absolutely true, just like one of Box A and Box B, but not the other.

Name: Address: City: Phone: e-Mail: If I asked you if ja meant yes, what would you say?: If I asked you if you were a liar, would you say "ja"?: Your free issue of The Smullyan Report will be delivered within 4-6 weeks, but you will not be able to predict the exact day on which it will arrive. Additional delay may occur if you live on an island with a significant population of knights and knaves, sane and insane zombies, or Kurt Gödel. Offer void in Elea, Transylvania, and within 500 yards of any Greek hero riding a tortoise.

+Translations

More From This Author

Jack Manganese's Other Works
Entries	From Our Mailbag • The Fifth Syllable • Leavings Of Another World • And We Slipped Away • How Grandmother Triode Stole Binary from the Sun • Every Story, Someday •
Other