AMBROSE WANDERERS' LIBRARY
APPETIZERS
1. Chicken Feet: A spin on the traditional Chinese delicacy, these little snacks run around your plate in circles, ready for you to catch and consume at your leisure. Deep-fried and steamed before simmering in sweet sauce. Served with bean paste.
2. Bug-Aloo: A selection of insects, worms and larvae, ranging from the common and mundane to the exotic and supernatural. Served live or seasoned with garlic, lime juice, chilies and salt.
3. Multilingualism: 10 tongues marinated in lime juice and pepper. Each one provides a small but useful insight into a random foreign language. A carpaccio unlike any other!
4. Hypercheese: A 1 kilogram cube of cheese, every bite transforms into the customer's preferred type of dairy delight. Brie? Gouda? Hard? Soft? Why choose when you can have 'em all? Served with bread and black olives.
5. Poetic Sushi: A delicacy worthy of the most cultured scholar, every piece recites haikus as you eat it. Remember not to eat it all the way until the poem is done, or it will be uttered by your belly.
6. Pocket Aquarium: Twin koi fish that swim around in your plate. Use the supplied fishing rod to catch it and cut it open: shrimp and cocktail sauce wait for you instead of guts.
7. Guacko: At first, you might think we have served you a potted tropical plant with geckoes crawling on it. However, these little reptiles are all made of guacamole, with the plant being an elaborate chicharrón receptacle. Adds delightful new texture to any meal!
8. Fire Chili: Hot and spicy enough to give you literal dragon breath! Your server will provide you with fireproof garments prior to serving.
SALADS
1. Sautéed Stopweeds: When eaten, they create a pleasant tingling sensation resembling spice. In truth, it is their dying screams passing down your throat.
2. Mantis Shrimp Salad: A tiny orchestra of these sea critters plays a melody on your plate. As you eat, the song adapts to fill in for the missing orchestra members.
3. Forestry: A tiny forest growing from your plate. It is a proper forest — pines, conifers, mosses, even animals! Have no fear of foul pine taste: our chefs are wonderfully skilled in the creation of miniatures. These richly-spiced trees, delicately sauteed deer, and full-bloom huckleberries make for a divine concoction of flavour. Comes served with all-organic alpine River water.
4. Salad Head: A tiny pill that turns your hair (or equivalent head protuberances) into lettuce leaves. Pluck them from your scalp without as much as a tickle and eat on! Effects last for the duration of the meal. Not recommended for customers with alopecia or equivalent conditions.
5. Land-and-Sea: A variety of seaweed, kelp and algae served in a fishbowl full of our purest seawater. Take them out of the fishbowl, and watch as they instantly dry and become edible.
SOUPS
1. Abyssal Pleasures: A soup made from deep sea stagnant water and succulent leviathan meat. Served just above freezing. Thick, salty, and hearty, this dish induces deep bestial terror and religious fervour in the diner. Not recommended for strong dreamers.
2. Blue Öyster Chowder: A creamy dish perfect for seafood lovers. Allows for the opening and tuning of the Mind's Eye. Psychic powers linger for at least a few hours after consumption.
3. Elrichian Bread Broth: A rich beef and potato stew served in a bowl made from artisanal bread from the land of Elrich. Taste the passions, joys and sufferings of the once-living wheat!
4. Lentil Folly: So good that you’ll be willing to renounce your birthright for a single bowl!
5. Habi's Soup: Coming soon!
MAIN COURSES
1. Narcoctopus: A live octopus whose natural secretions work as hallucinogenic drugs. Swallow it whole, allowing it to inject your stomach lining before succumbing, and away we go!
2. Infinity Noodles: Wheat noodles that keep on going. You pick one up and pull and it never ends! The entire bowl is just one infinitely long noodle!
3. Grarii Incendiary: Everyone loves grarii, those savory three-legged, one-eyed fur balls. Now you can have them cooked live on your table, keeping their crunchy, spicy goodness all the fresher.
4. Roast Dodo: Brought back to life through advanced cloning techniques and a little necromancy, the dodo is back on the menu! Order now! Who knows when the damn thing might go extinct again?
5. Wish Upon a Star: A miniature star hovering slightly over its plate. Every bite tastes like lightning.
6. Paella of Discord: It might look like a mundane dish, but each person that eats it becomes convinced this version of paella is the only right type. Every time they serve the dish there's at least one different ingredient, so no one agrees!
7. Breathing Chameleons: About a hundred or so invisible chameleons that climb on your body, in your ears, up your nostrils. After you have stopped breathing but before you have died, they crawl into your lungs and breathe for you until they have integrated into your flesh! A good source of protein.
8. Leviathan Fillet: Ethically harvested from naturally-deceased specimens, this dish is sure to be a favorite of veteran spacefarers!
9. Sacred Lamb: Consecrated in the name of the god of your choosing, served with mashed potatoes and our special gravy. Provides actual absolution for your sins. Kosher option available upon request. May induce religious ecstasy.
10. The Plate of Asterion: A square plate bearing a labyrinth imprint. Navigate your way through it, unlocking the different pieces of your secret meal!
11. Cosmic Tacos: Choose between beef, campechano, al pastor, tongue, or fish. Cooked in flames blessed by Huehueteotl, the Old God of Fire himself!
12. Maritime: A scallop, carefully shaped to resemble a ocean liner, hemmed with thinly sliced and arranged wood ear representing the upper decks, staked in place with hand-painted toothpicks in lieu of three smokestacks. Served sitting in the middle of a creamy turquoise sauce made from melted Brie, heavy whipped cream, and a pinch of raspberry syrup. When eating this dish, you will experience the sensations of falling overboard a ocean liner on a sunny day into the water: at first the heart quickens and there is panic, but turns into ease as the shimmering, iridescent waters close in and the blazing sun slowly drifts away.
13. Omelet Without Answer: At first, this omelet will taste delicious, but otherwise normal. As you continue eating, however, each bite will start to taste like different egg based dishes, slowly progressing until you are tasting chicken. Eat it slowly enough and the cycle will commence anew!
DESSERTS
1. Book Cake: Resembles a chocolate cake made of ink. Its taste might not be the best, but it gives the psychological feeling of reading a book as you consume it, and what is sweeter than knowledge? May produce mild dyslexia afterwards.
2. Hive Sweet Hive: A peach with the crumbly texture of white chocolate, allowing you to bite down on it to crack it open. Filled with live chocolate-covered ants.
3. Caramel Eye of the Beholder: A simple candy eyeball… but this one stares back.
4. Sugar Rats: Rats with fur made out of spun sugar. No, you do not eat the rats — simply brush them gently and their fur will fall right off!
5. Atlas Bibliothecae: Mind-breaking, reality-warping, traumatizing. Open it and gaze at the little chocolate miniatures of everyone in the Library at the time it was made, including their exact location relative to one another. Pick one up and it screams and struggles in your hands!
6. Candy Iguana: As you eat it, you will experience artificial memories of living as an iguana for the duration of your consumption. Take as long as you wish.
7. The Time Traveller's Sorbet: A raspberry sorbet that, when consumed, dilates time by a factor of 4 for approximately 2 real-world seconds, allowing you to savor the dish significantly more.
8. Only You and You Alone: A miniature model of you, fried. Tastes like you too! Powdered sugar is optional.
DRINKS
1. Water Snakes: Exactly what it says on the label! Snakes made of water! They'll assist you in drinking by slithering down your throat.
2. Oasis Cocktail: A martini glass full of glimmering sand, decorated with paper palm trees. Water will appear once the sand goes down your throat. Not recomended for clients with asthma nor a tendency to speak with their mouth full.
3. The Devil's Kiss: Ideal for lonely people or adventurous couples! This hot, pink and bubbly drink has a spicy aftertaste in more than one sense, for it will open a portal to hell itself (located on a body orifice) from where a hot demonic babe will show up! It is highly recommended that you state your preferences out loud in the Codex Goetica language (Chaos Tongue) before consumption. Portal locations may vary.
4. Rubedo: The prized wine of Alagaddan origin, now available for your delectation. Sporting subtle notes of blood, dried roses, mold, and old books.
5. Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: A cosmic classic! Tastes like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick!
CUSTOMER REVIEWS
★★★★☆
I was surprised by both the quality and the variety of food, though the menu does seem to be dominated by ingredients and recipes of Terran origin. I believe it is understandable given that the owner and most staff are human, baseline or otherwise.
In the end, I settled for picking equally between known and unknown dishes. I had a fun time chasing the Guacko geckoes, though I could have used some chapulines to complete the picture. The Blue Öyster Chowder (which I had already tasted on an iteration of its planet of origin, Röeser) was so good I could almost psychically project an image of warm beaches and bronzed oyster boys.
As for the grarii, I will have to visit whichever world they came from; I'm curious as to what civilization could conceive such a sinister yet delicious meal. The same goes for the Sautéed Stopweeds, which left me with a lingering sense of regret…
I will undoubtedly return here on my next stop at the Library. Who knows? Perhaps I will find yet another meal strange enough that it encourages me to visit its world of origin!
★★★★☆
A good meal. As a wanderer in the lands unclean and untouched by the rays of the sun, I find myself longing for something to inspire such warmth and happiness as does the gentle caress of the sun's rays upon my back, or the cold mountain winds. Such sensations are to be found here, at Ambrose's.
Such starvation of culture and poetry as is to be found in my home, I discovered the Poetic Sushi as something to suit my palette. It gives much to think about, especially if one is to be slow about their meal, as I often am. The wonder contained within such little rolls of magic is something to definitely be investigated. The Forestry salad was almost poignant, in a way. I could not help but feel as if I was eating something living, breathing, and worthy of a chance at life. But it was delicious, so such thoughts are impractical.
For a man of my size, no other option is practical but the Infinity Noodle. I did feel guilty returning my bowl just as full as I had taken it, but the sustenance it provides is unmatched. While it was quite bland, I do understand the difficulties in providing an infinite amount of sauce as well.
Overall, dear reader, this restaurant is a wonderful relaxation point for those frequent visitors to the Library. I may spend my time away from its halls, but when I do visit, I see myself coming back here again. Some issues may need to be worked out before I give a five star review, but those may lie more with me than the establishment.
★★★★★
Okay, I didn't try anything on the menu yet, I'm just writing this and giving a good review in hopes someone sees it soon enough… Yeah could someone come to the bathroom? I went in one of the stalls and the door got stuck. There's also an eye inside the bowl and is not mine, please hurry up.
– Maw
★★★☆☆
It is always a pleasure to savor a cup of Rubedo without having to visit my masked friends. The Roast Dodo, however, I found rather unimpressive. Next time, I expect a more thorough attention to detail, or I will have Panspermia stop shipping this and other (formerly) extinct meats to undeserving kitchens.
★★☆☆☆
The Plate of Asterion is not enough of a challenge; a blind, idiot god could solve it.
The Atlas Bibliothecae failed to even intrigue me; what kind of mind frays under such mediocrity?
The Poetic Sushi, on the other hand, was as intellectually stimulating as it was delicious. I will have to tell Thoth about it.
– Athena
★★★★★
At last! Someone blasphemous enough to cater to my kind! And with babes included, to boot!
– Belphegor
★★☆☆☆
The highest-quality food comes with some unfortunate implications.
Read my full review on this week's Planasthai!
★☆☆☆☆
In my short, short life, I have had many pleasures. I have tasted the oyster-birds of Articulus. I have flown the flavoured cherry-winds of Teeth of the Giants. I have taken part in the ancient haptic-synaptic tea ceremonies of Where the Sun Tastes Like Wine. And yet for all my travels, never once did I expect a company so fantastic and renowned as Ambrose Restaurants to grind to the base, vile concoctions served before me today.
I will admit: I am a professor of antiethics and parapsychology. When I speak of morals, of good and evil, I know of what I speak. I know what I mean — and intend what I say — when I say that I believe the most basic view of any living creature is that, when given the choice, that which is food should not be alive, and, furthermore, that it should be forbidden to eat of one's kin.
I will be blunt. Today, I was served living snakes of water, emaciated rats with short, patchy sugar-fur that broke off at the slightest touch and offered no warmth, a dying breed of octopus soaked in its own extracted hallucinogenic defenses and left helpless to be eaten alive, and the breastmeat of baby leviathans soaked in the last juices of a dry ocean. This restaurant left a horrendous taste on my tongue — the food was good, but the damage to my spirit is irreparable. The only good thing about this restaurant is the service, as can be expected – though I will be frank, it was not anything special. It was basic: I was sat, tabled, asked, dosed, and served, and…
and, according to my memory, flown with banks of gulls like clouds.
Well. It looks as though my dining options have caught up with me, and I will have to cut my review short. The spider dances large as the moon at midnight. I will edit my review when I have recovered; my condolences to those reading and expecting something sane. Good day, and enjoy the butterflies – Ambrose never advertises it, but their ceiling is made of shimmering iridescent wings. Wheeee…
– M. Red
★ ★ ★ ★ ☆
Dietary concerns are another part of healthcare in the Library and I would be remiss if I did not offer the curious wanderer some words of wisdom gained firsthand after eating here myself.
While not nutritionally sound, the Time Traveler’s Sorbet has become a guilty pleasure of mine to relax after a long day of work. I found the taste of the Leviathan Filet to be divine, bringing back a flavor of home I haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing in several millennia. And while tasty, I can’t help but be worried about the carb intake from the Infinity Noodles…
Overall, the Ambrose restaurant seems to be a welcome spot for all wanderers. Nobody wants to enjoy their favorite story on an empty stomach, after all. The wide selection of dishes catering to the nutritional needs of all who enter its doors makes this a delightful new addition to the food scene within the Library. The only major issue I personally have would be the uptick in stomach aches our medical team has had to treat from all the patrons overeating at this establishment.
– Dr. Norine Ray
★★★★☆
For starters, the Multilingualism dish was disappointing. All 10 languages were from the Immortal Empire: if it had included at least one language outside of the Empire, this review would have been 5 stars.
Abyssal Pleasures paired with the Breathing Chameleons will quench any curious wanderer's thirst for what it feels to die in a extremely positive way. The former's dread truly lives up to its description.
Lastly, the Time Traveller's Sorbet is enough of an experience to make the review 4 stars. It is astounding how well it works, never before have I been so amazed by a dish. I will be back for the dessert alone.
– Jan Kai-Zoeh
★★★★☆
I normally don’t eat in the library, mostly because I could duck through a Way off to other places for my meals, but today was an exception. I wish I knew what I was missing out on sooner. Was strolling through the library, talking with a lovely Miss. Rosenthorne from Flen, talking about Vostruks and Twain when the menu board caught my eye. I’d skipped breakfast that morning to search the stacks with her for a certain book about paraphysical birds of paradise, so naturally that worked up quite an appetite.
Staff were courteous and quick to get us seated, and service was quite fast amidst the choreographed chaos of the brunch rush. I opted for Maritime, while she had the Leviathan Filet. The scallop was perfectly cooked throughout. Sliced wood ear adds a brisk and pleasing crunch, perfectly mingling with the tenderness of the scallop meat and velvety sauce. You have to search a bit for the raspberry flavor, however. Sensations are quite strong, permeating through the flavor itself-the sea, sun, steamship exhaust, being pulled under, slipping beneath those ethereal waters…reminds me of my stint serving on a PBY Catalina in the Pacific during the Second World War. Excellent dish. Miss Rosenthorne reports that, likewise, her Leviathan Filet is equally as good, thoroughly seasoned, but could use a bit more searing to cover the bitter aftertaste of the singe from the arc of a hunter’s electro-spear.
– Elijah Halloway
5 ★★★★★
[They undisputedly have the best tacos in the world. No question. Service is fast and genuinely polite, and you will never find softer drinks anywhere else. Forget Taco Bell, go to Ambrose.]
– Bobajo
[ ★★★★★]
A simply delightful meal this evening. As a gibber, it can be hard to find a restaurant that can properly cater to my needs (what with hungry mouths found all over my body), so it was quite refreshing to see that Ambrose chefs were more then willing to provide me with a list of dishes compatible with my biology. The water snakes they served were kind enough to slither into my drinking mouths, and the leviathan fillet was sliced simply superb. I'm planning to bring my partner here soon… as soon as I find a Way here they can access. Long-dimension relationships do have some downsides.
– S'kir Des
