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In an average parking lot, you will have the average persons to maintain it. Pavers, painters and other folks who bring their inspection checklists. But there's one you may not have seen. The legendary order of the Asphalmancers. These men and women perform their jobs in secret, in the late hours of the night when only the graveyard shift of the 7-11 are on duty. They bring with them the devices and objects of mystical inclination, such as enchanted 2-liter bottles and glitter of infinite darkness. With these tools in hand, they have their purpose: To appease the gods of the parking lot and bring another day of successful parking.

To begin their ritual, these Asphalmancers will uncap their enchanted bottles, and sprinkle the divine liquid onto the pavement below. This liquid can consist of many things, depending on the lot in question. This diviner has heard reports of black water from the Abyssinian lagoons, fresh water from the fountains of Pasadena, or diet coke from the very department store the parking lot leads to. Whichever liquid they use, it must be dispensed in each corner of the lot.

If proper procedure has been followed, the next ritual phase may begin. The performance of this stage depends on many variables, such as the lot size, shape, temperature, temperament, or the mood of the Asphalmancer. They may decide to take all vehicles which received parking tickets over the day and bless them, or perhaps create an offering of the lots preferred deli meats and foodstuffs.

At the next break of dawn, these sorcerers and sorceresses must return to their domiciles, and await word from their local magistic magistrate as to whether they achieved success. If they fail, dire consequences may result. Some vehicles resting within the lot may be mysteriously keyed by unknowable dark forces, while others may see their windows dinged by unseen force. Such is the wrath of unfettered and enraged parking lot gods.

So if you ever skulk to a convenient grocer in the low hours of night and see a man in a wizard outfit sprinkling expired lime soda on the ground while performing strange motions, do not see him as a figure to be pitied, but as a hero. Give them your appreciation, or perhaps join them as they try to keep the lot safe for another business day.

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