The Star
Fear causes people to lash out.
Fear of lashing out is self-fulfilling.
In this way, we are made into monsters.
👁
i do not know if i was born a
monster
or if i was made into one
by harsh words and too many needles,
but i don't think it matters.
what's important
is that i have a
gaping
maw
where my heart should be
and everything i do
risks exposing it.
my memories of being a
monster
go back to elementary school.
when i was in fifth grade,
i played a game of freeze tag
with the other kids at recess.
the girl who was it
caught me because i couldn't run fast enough,
and i was so angry
that the jaws burst out of my chest
and
swallowed
her
whole.
my parents and teachers
believed that i would grow out of it,
and they were kind of right,
but you can never really
stop being a monster,
you can only get better at hiding it.
i kept devouring people in middle school.
my teachers and friends
were trained on how to react,
but i could always tell
what they were thinking
when i would
tear
someone
apart
for talking to me
after i failed a geometry test.
in high school,
i know everyone was talking
about how many people are
dead because of me.
i saw their glares when they thought
i wasn't looking, felt their judgement
whenever i was facing the other way.
and how could i blame
anyone but myself?
i am everything
they say i am.
today i'm in college,
and nobody knows
who i am. nobody
has seen what i'm
really like.
now, i have to be careful.
i shouldn't go out to that bowling alley
with my friends from high school
because i might lose and get upset
and let the jaws burst out of my chest
to devour someone again,
and i shouldn't talk to any
of the new people in my classes
because they might find out about
all the people i've eaten and make
me hated by the entire school,
and i should really just cut
off those old friends because
they all know what i am and
there's no point in trying to be close
with people who are aware of the
monster behind the act and besides
they're all probably just pretending
to like me anyway,
and really i shouldn't
stop at just my old friends
because anyone i
connect with is someone who can
spurn me later for being the
monster that i am
so i should probably also cut off
my mom and dad and brother
and girlfriend and internet friends,
and i especially shouldn't try to have a
good career or make any sort of
living off my writing because
all that requires the approval
of other people which i can
never keep because i have
no heart and the jaws will
rip apart everyone i know
eventually and
everything i touch is
destroyed and i
don't even know
why i'm trying
to get this
worthless degree
or interacting
with other people
or going
outside when
i'm defective and
my fate is sealed and
and
and
and