The Adventures of Cousin Dan: Rearview Eddie
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Ever had a friend as was too slow? I know I have, and it can be mighty frustratin'. But 'fore you think you got it bad, let me tell you, it could be worse. You could have the problem my Cousin Dan had. Let me tell you about it.

My Cousin Dan had a friend by the name of Rearview Eddie. He was called this on account of all you were like to see of him was his back. He was so fast, he'd catch your own breath for you. When he took it in his head to go somewhere, he'd get there before he left. Had to go back a different way, or he'd meet hisself coming. He was so fast, he raced sunbeams for fun.

And that was the trouble. Ya see, ol' Eddie, he was too fast. Dan an' him would go huntin', an he'd catch his limit 'fore Dan got out his gun. They'd go fishin', an' Eddie'd have a full bucket 'fore Dan baited his hook. If they went on a trip, Eddie would get back before Dan grabbed his toothbrush an' spare britches.

It got so that Dan couldn't hardly do anything with Eddie. This didn't suit either of 'em, so they figured on slowin' Eddie down somehow.

First thing, they tried glue. Sure 'nough, it stuck Eddie to the ground. Trouble was, the ground wasn't stuck to nothin', so Eddie just walked kinda funny with sod on his feet. Next, they tried loadin' Eddie down with stones, but Eddie kept droppin' 'em, and at his speed, it were like a cannonball blast. After that, they tried puttin' a lead boot on 'im. It worked for a bit, but at the next barn dance, it shook loose an' concussed poor Dudley Marner.

It were beginnin' to look like nothin' was gonna work. But Dan wasn't the sort to give up easy, an' he decided to try one more time. So, he sat down an' had himself a think.

While he was thinkin', some kids came out of the schoolyard, jawin' as how school was too slow, an' how it seemed to take forever. Well, that's when Dan got hisself an idea. See, time's like water. It flows everywhere, an' in some places, it soaks in. Schools are one of them places. So're doctor's waitin' rooms and the gov'ment offices. That's why it seems to take so long when you're in there, on account of all the extra time.

He marched over to the schoolhouse an' knocked on the roof lightly, bein' a polite fella. Miss Malley, the schoolmarm, asked him what he wanted in such a tone that made even Dan feel small.

Dan explained that he needed to slow his friend up. He asked if he might take some o' the school's time an' give it to Eddie. Well, it seems school passes as slow for teachers as it did for students, an' she was right willin' to donate.

So Dan, he gets himself a ladle, and dips up some of the time that'd got stuck in the schoolhouse. He put it into a green bottle, stoppered it, an' gave it to Eddie.

Eddie drank up some of the time, an' sure 'nough, he started to slow down right off. And ever after, whenever he started gettin' too fast, he'd get some time from the classroom, before it could pile up too much an' make school too long. An' that's why kids in Deadwood Valley are the happiest in the world.

An' if that ain't every word of it truth, may Stormalong blow me down.

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