i have grown sick of
seeing you outside my window
among the bare oak trees
just at the edge of
my yard, of coming home
to find my things all
moved around without a note,
of taking a shower and
seeing the faces you draw
in the mirror steam that
stare but don't ever speak.
(the way i
wince when the
floor creaks as
i creep out
in the middle
of the night,
the way i
slide my coat
off its hanger
and slip into
it with a
knife tucked into
the inside pocket,
the way i
inhale when the
cool night air
hits my face
as i step
onto the porch)
we set out the fancy
spoons and fine china, got
a warm fire going in
the hearth, and brewed a
pot of our most expensive
tea for you, and still
you only sat with us
for a few fleeting moments
before rising without a word
and vanishing into the night,
leaving us to pour out
what you had not drunk.
(the way i
cram my hands
into my coat
pockets as i
walk down the
winding gravel road,
the way i
push the gate
open with such
gentleness as if
it could go
to pieces if
i brush it
the wrong way,
the way i
do the same
to the door
with my right
hand while clutching
the knife close
to my chest
with the left)
when i awoke one morning
to find that you had
taken a hammer to it
all like an insane medieval
king, shattered the bricks you
had placed alongside us into
dozens of tiny shards that
fell through our hands and
scattered on the wind, left
us staring at the hole
in space where you once
were and wondering how to
fill it, i felt relief
wash over me like the
first chill breeze in september
that signals the winter soon
to arrive at your door.
(the way i
tiptoe down the
front hall as
if every floorboard
is a mine,
the way i
slink into the
kitchen to find
you already waiting
for me with
an oil lamp
burning faintly on
the old table,
the way i
watch as you
reach into your
pocket and pull
out the golden
watch i have
desired for myself
all this time,
the way i
can only keep
watching and grip
my knife so
hard that my
knuckles go pale
white as you
lift your hand
over your head
and throw the
thing down to
the tile floor,
smashing
it
to
pieces)