Do Not Be Afraid to Enter a Haunted House
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Do not be afraid to enter a haunted house. I tell you this as a professional ghost exterminator. Whatever is in there is not for you. You will not see anything you are not meant to see. If you do happen to see something, then listen up. It’s better than the alternative.

Every day I get paid by rich clients to get rid of their ghosts. Now I understand this whole thing is taboo, so if you’re uncomfortable then I suggest you stop here, but people need to hear this. There are a lot of rumors going around that a ghost is the vengeful spirit of a dead man. Oftentimes this spirit seeks reconciliation for a wrong done to it in life, or maybe it guards a secret. These rumors are only partially true.

Ghosts do not belong do the dead; they always belong to someone who yet lives. Neither is it their spirit, but rather something much more abstract. A ghost doesn’t keep secrets either. If anything it will tell you them. Oftentimes it is vengeful though. A ghost will not leave until reconciliation has been made, and sometimes even well after.

Unless you call us, of course.

It’s not hard for us to exorcise it. The first step is always to find out why the ghost is haunting our client. After that, it’s just a few scribbled runes and a sacrificed chicken away from a job well done. Sometimes it can be dangerous though, as some ghosts posses both the agency and the capacity to cause lethal harm, but it’s never bothered me.

The part that bothers me is when I have to speak with the client. It sickens me to watch them feign ignorance over why they are being haunted. As part of the contract, we don’t make them admit to anything. Not that it really matters. We find that information out from the ghosts themselves. Some will tell us directly if we ask, while others mindlessly reenact the scene on an endless loop. However if our client is being haunted, they know why it has manifested. It couldn’t exist unless they felt guilty. That’s right; a ghost is the difference between our client’s conscience and justice, and they pay bastards like us to get rid of it for them.

That’s where the difficult part of this job comes in. Anything we find out stays between us and the client. Thanks to the new laws, proof obtained through magic is no longer valid, so there’s nothing we can do after that.

But not today.

What these people have done to those children is unforgiveable. Justice will be had tonight, and if I am sentenced to death for what I am about to do, then beware. 'Cause I will haunt all of you motherfuckers.

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