Wonder of Worlds Ch.1

Re: Wonder of Worlds Ch.1

Sat, 28 Mar 2020 17:18:38 +0000

I don't watch a lot of news, so I just went off of like the most basic thing I could think of; So thank you for the suggestion. Yeah, mmm Grammarly helped but wasn't great on a whole Anyway on to the point.

When it comes to using the

Also, why do you substitute quotes for apostrophes and brackets sometimes, and forget the proper grammar with quotes?

This is just kind of a bad habit having apostrophes for inner monolog and brackets for what a charter would be saying. I do get that it's confusing. I personally never had a problem with it, but I do know it's not how a lot of people write inner monolog.

It feels like these characters are more than regular humans, which is shown, but you never really explain or expand

They both are, but I felt that just saying "Hey I'm XXXX and my goal is XXXXX" was kind of crap; I do think more internal dialog will help clear this up since I wanted to have the reader to not just be hit with a superhuman/self insert sorta thing.

On a whole, thanks for the feedback; this is why I need another set of eyes help.

Oh! on a side note, the "Book of Discovery" and such can be ignored; it's mostly for my purpose of saying what arc my character is in.

Re: Wonder of Worlds Ch.1

Sat, 28 Mar 2020 14:57:42 +0000

Hey there, it's me Avelon, and I have some review!

+ show block

– hide block

Grammar and Formatting:

oltets Book of Discovery

What is this supposed to mean?

BREAKING NEWS =

You should format this so it stands out.

Franklin Town; North Carolina

You're supposed to have a comma, not a semi-colon.

from the witness testimony he said it was like her skin was ‘Made of plastic’ the local sheriff has the witness detained and in questioning, as we speak.

I don't know why you have this written so weirdly. It could be something like:

from a witness testimony, it was said that her skin was like if it were "made of plastic". The local sheriff has the witness detained and in-questioning, as we speak.

Back to you Jerry

Add a comma after "you" and add a period after "Jerry". Also, space out this line (like if it were a paragraph on its own), and consider adding a horizontal line to section it off, because you begin speaking in third-person like a narrator, which would never happen on a news channel.

You also have a lot of issues with maintaining verb tense and using pronouns and names correctly (you confuse Jenny and Jill, or it is at least confusing in that section to know who you are referring to). Also, why do you substitute quotes for apostrophes and brackets sometimes, and forget the proper grammar with quotes?

I'm not going to go over all of the language errors here, since 1) there are a lot and 2) the ones above are representative of the majority of the errors (also watch out for spelling, since you have that issue here). Let this be a warning that Grammarly is not very good if you do not have a lot of control over the English language on your own. Fix these on your own, and if you still need help with something, just reply and I'll see if I can help; however, I will not be your English teacher.

Detail and Content:

I don't really understand the story here. It feels like these characters are more than regular humans, which is shown, but you never really explain or expand. It just boils into nothing. What is the actual story you have in mind (it is important to plan out your story so you know what you are trying to write)? Also, there are small bits here and there where some thoughts from the main character are revealed, but you don't have a lot of thought. I would consider adding a lot more internal monologue on the part of the narrator, since that seems like it would fit with the narration and would add much-needed detail.

You switch up characters' dialogue all the time, and it is very, very confusing. Please fix that as well.

Wonder of Worlds Ch.1

Sat, 28 Mar 2020 09:03:53 +0000

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/wonder-of-worlds-arc-1

Above is my sandbox link, and it's almost finished chapter 1 of my story (about 80-85%), and I feel like the last part with them talking feels stilted and stiff. If someone could be kind enough to read it over and give me some feedback, it'd be nice.

Also, can I note I paid for premium Grammarly for this, so this stupid program had better help me a lot more than just punctuation.