Original paragraph:

To marvel in this pagan science,
at brother, father, mother,
is man's cosmic folly.
Wonder, wonder:
so beneath this sun
I wonder, wonder why?
to all the follies of man.

Something along these lines might work a little bit better:

To marvel in these pagan rituals
at the shrouded remains of tritum
overextending like an fissured petri dish
or cathode beam arranging singular values
crimson-ceylon riptide-cormorant jade—brothermotherfather
prodigal-multipliers manifesting
man's cosmic folly
I wonder, wonder why?
To all our shortcomings, cooling dissected
in chain theories and
formaldehyde

To dissect the changes further, think of some scientific process that occurs much like some sun/star (I hope I don't sound like I'm writing the body of a PHD dissertation—I'm just an ordinary guy trying to study for a Comms degree lol), in this case I used the inner workings of an cathode ray tube TV and biological dissection to mimic the physical process of an star and evoke a 'sciency' tone, in a sense. Feel free to use my example, if you like! If you're unsure of the impact that it might have on the preceding/subsequent passages feel free to ask, I got some potential ideas.

— Men fighting on earth, folly of follies, which the work states is the effect of wonder (science?)
And,
— Stars fighting in space, wonder, the cause of said follies.

The posit that the stars 'fight' is rather fantastical, but intentionally so. Its characterization, personification. I think I've remixed some of the paragraphs to better convey this, and have pretty much adapted your suggestion on the 'science is wonder' paragraph, though I still think it could be spruced up. But do you think this comes across properly?

Thanks again though, I think I'll keep this on the grill a little longer, if just to caramelize those oily secretions.

A Coda Of Fission

Topical Reactions Like Sparklers

A Fissure, Exothermic Mitosis in A Ribcage Of Phosphor

To preface, I enjoyed the work, the way the paragraph and imagery--traces of mythology and fine-grain physics were arranged, interlaced between more poignant, punchy descriptions were reminiscent of older (fifties, sixties mid century) works—the stuff bound and laminated straight from snail-mail drafts postmarked with an curling iron, or mashed tobacco, amber spirits from a dust-laden fire escape, a chai stand in Kabul, Tehran—in the last rare days before the revolution or the rear deck of a Soviet liner off the Red Sea, cutting through coastal swells. For substance I would say for what its worth, it carries its own weight, maybe a bit sparse on the surface in terms of describing off-world warfare? I think maybe some descriptions are, if a bit vague, but of course, if its meant to be a appetizer or prelude/sister piece to another story then I'd for sure say that it's got enough meat.

The imagery serves its intended purpose but yet strikes a balance as an overlay for other, more (more metaphysical, I believe that's the term) fronts. The only aspects that I would see enhanced or expanded upon via minor changes are pretty inconsequential, that being the lines: 'the ocean, or of a bright jewel', I think it would be a bit more fluid, or at the very least—aesthetically pleasing if the 'bright jewel' is to be reworked into something like 'the ocean, or of a jeweled scarab', the subsequent trailing line rearranged to reflect: 'sapphire and celluoid spinning (or kneading, for a more 'plastic' action beat perhaps?)in void'.

The passage: 'Science is wonder, is history
of great stellar wars,
battles fought with gravity
instead of guns.' admittingly can use a bit of pep, it can possibly serve to be a bit more interesting if it's something along these lines—-

'science is manufactured wonder, is history
of great stellar wars
offensives waged with titanium hulls
imploding with
gravity instead of molten lead'

Other then that, however, I find it ready to go—it won't hurt, though to let it brew a little bit more if you see fit. Can't wait to see it up there!

• Does it flow well?
• Does the message come across?
• Is it enough for the WL?
• Any better naming suggestions?
• Anything else/anything I missed?

Thanks again! Love ya.
—oli