Okay, so I got a PM about this, gave some feedback, and then was asked to take a second look.
I'll be honest… still a lot of issues with this. My immediate responses:
- get rid of the white lines used as spaces, it looks sloppy.
- the highlighted text of black/blue/red/etc. is harsh on the eyes and can be removed entirely. It doesn't contribute anything good to the piece, in my opinion
- why is the first log entirely in italics and also center text?
- " I was revoked of my operation in the Foundation." doesn't make sense grammatically. Maybe something like "My employment at the Foundation was terminated" or the like.
- Ever since the beginning of the Foundation, they've always been dependent > who is "they"?
- The Foundation claimed that everything they were doing > "Foundation" is singular here, not plural
- I'm Daniel Brooker, the greatest head researcher of Site-15 ever > the "of" is not needed
- I will be heard, whether they like it or not! > this seems overdramatic and cheesy, especially since the guy wastes the entire log ranting about being kicked out and not giving any actual actionable information.
- Dear reader, if you get this, spread the word. > why are they referring to the audience as "readers" when the original file is an .mp4 and the transcript is generated because the original was corrupted? Also, spread the word of… what? The guy being kicked out and talking himself up as the greatest?
- Hidden mechanical mind-disintegrating part > this seems like it should be properly capitalized if it's a title, but… part of what?
- The technology is a virtually unbreakable thick copper cogwheel > I wouldn't necessarily call this "a technology". Again, weird wording/incorrect grammatical usage here.
- measuring 7cm x 10cm > aren't cogs supposed to be circular? Unless the smaller measurement is the thickness here?
- that releases an unknown strain of memetics to its subject > that's not really how memetics work. What is the information transferred here? Is this actually a memetic effect or is it just mind-affecting/hallucinations?
And on and on. There are a lot of simple grammatical errors here, the setup is questionable at best, and I have a hard time taking the scenarios seriously.
I really think you should get the core premise polished up first to make sure that the scenario you're having as the storyline is both believable and engaging, and then remember to ask for someone to review the grammar and just the grammar because of how many simple wording issues there are here.
Also, please try to seek out help from more reviewers and not just me. I'm the busiest administrator on the SCP wiki and I can't continue to keep giving special attention to this just because you keep asking me.
