Beyond the Mountains / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Beyond the Mountains.

Reasonably Psychotic 23 May 2019 17:01

A small taste of new Plant Kingdom material before I realease the mext big story. Are we One still hasn’t been shelved despite my attempts to contact staff but if any do read this I would prefer pangr. Thanks for reading.

(account deleted) 24 May 2019 02:01

So I read through your whole three-part series today, and I can say that you have some interesting storyline ideas, but I noticed a lot of writing errors throughout. I would definitely recommend reading through your works a second time and fixing any errors (though I would be glad to do it, if you don't mind). As for this particular piece, I would suggest referencing the size of Sunglow and Redstone; the idea I have of the story is that some random guy from no organization in particular shot those leaf-guys with a gun??? The issue I have with this is that the story doesn't give me an idea of the relative size of any of these characters (Are tiny leaves being shot at by giants with high-speed bullets with perfect accuracy? I really can't tell…). Maybe you can mention specific structures within the building that Sunglow enters? If the First structure is really man-made, you can try referencing commonplace items to give readers a sense of the size, or just work with what you have already (in that scene where Sunglow wanders around and enters the bathroom, talk about whether or not Sunglow's size reaches the roof; when the random guy comes in, say whether or not he takes up the whole doorway; or, of course, do something else entirely).

By the way, I added this story and Are We One? to the shelf Pangur for you. Cool writing, see you around!

Last edited on 24 May 2019 02:03 by (account deleted) Show more

Reasonably Psychotic 24 May 2019 13:50

Thanks for the shelving, contacted two administrators and never got anything about that.

Yeah I’ll admit I myself have been struggling with their size, usually they’re an average of 3-5ft tall and I’ll edit the story to show that. Also I assumed the symbol description and the link were fairly obvious, other than that what type of writing errors would you consider fixing?

Last edited on 24 May 2019 17:15 by Reasonably Psychotic Show more

(account deleted) 24 May 2019 14:09

LOL; I got the link, I was just making a joke…Hm, that new sentence gives me a really good idea of the size, so good job there. I would definitely suggest describing the weapon that Sunglow was shot with. Consider mentioning if a spray of projectiles were fired at him, or if a single bullet took him down at the stem, or…You get the idea. Also, what do you mean by "Windows as doors"? If Sunglow's shorter than half the door, why would he think that the door is a window (unless I missed something and windows in the Plant Kingdom are huge)?

Hope you got the feedback you were looking for!

Reasonably Psychotic 24 May 2019 16:58

This is from the perspective of a leaf from an ancient-medieval level society, who's never seen a gun or a glass sliding door, he associates it all with stuff he does know. But I will describe the gun more, I was thinking a shotgun since it's kinda hard to aim right for the stem.