SCI-FI CONTEST ENTRY

Summary:

Looking for feedback on my draft. Any feedback welcome. This is a first draft.

SCI-FI CONTEST ENTRY

issc 16 Aug 2019 21:21

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/glowing-and-blinking-lights

Re: SCI-FI CONTEST ENTRY

Avelon21 16 Aug 2019 23:49

First of all, thank you for asking for feedback before posting ! I've spotted some typos and I have some content suggestions, some of which I will list below. I'll leave out some of the really basic errors for efficiency; just make sure to take another look for anything else, or PM me after you've responded to this feedback if you aren't sure what's next.

Suggestions:

• "I have no idea how which normally wouldn't be a bad thing." You need a comma between "how" and "which"
• When you have the "[Breath]" at the start, add a line below and above it so it's spaced out.
• "Also, I don't know how to turn the recording off." This doesn't make sense to me personally, because he records 20 entries and his first one doesn't start when he enters the escape pod right away. I suggest removing it, or replacing it with something else.
• Noting right now that you need to double-check capitalization and commas.
• "…with a recorder tapped around his neck…" It's "Taped", I think.
• This is engaging, but I would recommend adding another memory for more depth. You mention Cindy, and sort of reference the narrator's dad, but what about the former crew ? I think McAllister would have some more thoughts on that, more than their mission, at least, especially if they screwed him over (or maybe the other way around…). If you do add more, you might also be able to tie in more with the Glowing and Blinking Lights as well.
• For the most part, the story is good, and I like the format. Just make sure to properly space out your paragraphs and check for the basics !

I hope you got the feedback you were looking for. Best of hopes for the contest, and I'm genuinely excited to see what you do next !

Re: SCI-FI CONTEST ENTRY

issc 17 Aug 2019 06:58

Thanks so much for the feedback, this was exactly what I was looking for. Would it be ok if I PM'd you with my second draft (In a day or so)?