I feel that this entry is under-rated, and I encourage my fellow readers to check it out. It has the feels. Computer feels even. Thanks.
Not Recognized / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Not Recognized.
So much sympathy is needed for the AI, yet it has so little synapses…
+1, even with some minor grammar errors, I love this !
(account deleted)Where are the errors? I do want to make it perfect.
Sometime after the voting period is over, I will review a lot of the works with grammar errors and fix them. I am not exactly sure if it would be fair to review this right now because 1) the errors present do not impede reading 2) there are very few of them and 2) it's already a finished work for a contest. I'm not trashing your work or anything; it's just principles (and I'd like to do the cleanups later on and at the same time).
Regardless, I suppose I shouldn't leave you on a cliffhanger, but please ask for review first in the chat or on the forums (You could've PMed me actually, but thank you for respecting the workload I had at the time). Note that I am not obligated to address reviews for any finished work, but I believe one of my PMs might have deterred you from seeking review from me…lol.
Suggested Corrections:
-"Nothing that might damage me has happened for two years" I would say "might have damaged me" here.
-"I did not even notice…" I would say "I had not even noticed…"
-So you have this huge parenthesis chunk here. The proper way to do it is to remove the period from the sentence right before and add it after the closing parenthesis. Basically, parentheses should go within a sentence.
-You could clarify what you mean by "it" in "…to defy it…", but it's not exactly necessary.
-When you first mention that mishap with Dr. Inara, I think you should mention a timeframe: "Three days ago…" or smth equivalent.
-"…peered at the text box, and muttered" You need a comma right here, before the start of the quote.
-"I had gone back into my working memory banks and looked for a matching audio string, and not found anything!" Replace the first "and" with a comma, and add a "had" right before the "not found".
-"though it is meant to be regularly scheduled, and I provide reminders to that effect" Remove the comma in the middle here.
-"…I adjust the white balance of my camera, as actual illumination." Add an "an" before "actual". I would also recommend adding some timeframe phrase like "interrupting my internal reflection"/"tonight" smth equivalent.
-"She speaks to be about things other than just the tasks" Replace "be" with "me".
-"'…I've got 24-hour card access here, so -' another equivocal gesture '- you know.'" Whenever you do this "break" with dashes, you have to capitalize the breaking phrase and add a period at the end of the breaking phrase. You do this at least one other time, plz address.
-"provided not by an external actor…" Do you mean "action" ?
-"apply only to consciousness, and not the housing?" I don't think you need a comma here.
-"The room lights are flicked back off, and the door creaks shut again, and everything closes back down to my room, and the dark, and only the whirr of my own fans for input." Change to "The room lights are flicked back off, the door creaks shut, and I am left with only my room, the dark, and the whirr of my own fans for input."
This took longer than expected, and I do not know if this was fair to do in all honesty. Please ask me for review on unfinished works first; principles are important too.
To be fair to everyone else, then, I will save actually making these changes until the contest is done. Next time I will make sure to return to the forum/chat instead of asking these questions in the Discussion page. Thank you for the consideration this time, though!
Edit: fixed
This is such a nice piece. The characters are great. I like this one a lot.
+1~
/forum/t-12452758/not-recognized#post-