A Brief History of Terran-Imperial Relations - Looking for critique

Summary:

A summary of Earth's modern history in the universe of Ulak the Drifter

A Brief History of Terran-Imperial Relations - Looking for critique

Din-Bidor 09 Oct 2019 01:16

Hello. I've been working on this text for a few weeks now. I still feel like there is something that does not click with me, so I want critique on it just to check if there's anything I could modify to make it better or if it works well just as it is written.

Here's the link (it's the one titled "A Brief History of Terran-Imperial Relations").
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/chronicle-of-ulak-the-drifter

Re: A Brief History of Terran-Imperial Relations - Looking for critique

rumetzen 09 Oct 2019 05:00

I'm not all the way through this yet, but one think I'm noticing that the writing can be a bit dry. It sometimes feels a bit too much like an exposition dump. As an example

Conflict was imminent. Interspecies resentments had never truly diminished after centuries of persecution on humanity's part, and scuffles broke out between the humans and the other Terran races. Atrocities were comitted on both sides. Entire human settlements were wiped from the face of the Earth. Magical communities were banished or bound, their magic broken and asphixated. The fighting, though initially localized, eventually escalated until war loomed over the horizon.

This feels like a very matter of fact description that doesn't really capture the events in the reader's mind. I think instead of just saying something like "interspecies resentments had never truly diminished" you might be able to mention a specific resentment, and inciting incident/conflict, specific group, etc. Same with something like "atrocities were committed on both sides". These kind of details will help make it feel more like a story and less like a direct report (even if in-universe supposed to be one, you want it to engage the reader like a good story).

Other than that, I like what I've read so far. The world seems interesting and thought out, and it's cool to see a project with this kind of scope.

Also, is the New Gomorrah bit part of this or separate?

Last edited on 09 Oct 2019 05:14 by rumetzen Show more

Re: A Brief History of Terran-Imperial Relations - Looking for critique

Din-Bidor 15 Oct 2019 20:00

The New Gomorrah stuff is in the same universe, but separate from this particular narrative.
Thank you, your help is much appreciated.

Re: A Brief History of Terran-Imperial Relations - Looking for critique

JackZR 09 Oct 2019 15:36

I like the concept a lot, looking at human from a grander point of view, integrating anomalies and various organizations into the perspective. However, the part where human and other species reached consensus and stopped the war seemed a bit too optimistic, given how we haven't been able to handle conflicts between even different groups of people for millennia.

I can imagine it's hard to make in convincing, but that part is like the climax of the story. Maybe go more into details on how the shift in people's attitude happened. Even after the war has stopped, there will still be lingering fear, doubt and hate. That can be a direction to explore.

A minor nitpick:

They could go as far as changing their own physical density, … or turning themselves as dense as diamond.

Diamond has a density of 3.52 g/cm^3, half as dense as iron, typically at 7.8 g/cm^3. Also, aluminum's density is 2.7 g/cm^3, titanium around 4.5 g/cm^3, water is 1 g/cm^3. I'm not sure if what you're trying to convey will be clear to everyone. Maybe use a more common material for reference?

Re: A Brief History of Terran-Imperial Relations - Looking for critique

Din-Bidor 15 Oct 2019 19:59

Thank you! I'll see how to fix it.