Free Verse Crit

Summary:

Looking for feedback on an old poem that I want to post, but was not written specifically for the Library.

Free Verse Crit

JackZR 09 Oct 2019 10:01

Here it is: http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/jackzr
I wrote this about a year ago, basically in one sitting after I got the inspiration. I didn't write it specifically for the Library, but I like it a lot and want to share it here. However, I'm not sure if it fits the tone and meets the standard of the Library. And since I've been looking at it by myself all this time, some outsider's thoughts would be very helpful.

Last edited on 09 Oct 2019 15:29 by JackZR Show more

Re: Free Verse Crit

Avelon21 09 Oct 2019 17:08

Suggestions/Corrections:

• "And they would't fall just surprised." I feel like "would't" should just be "would"
• "are long long gone." Remove one of the "long"'s

"Or maybe it does
and then can store our garbage
until the dawn of time comes
to be the one to empty it.
But people are those
carrying them around
That would be of no good
for anyone in this wood."

This stanza could be tweaked a little to make more sense (I don't actually understand what it's supposed to mean), or it should just be removed altogether.

"there are always someone
who just wouldn't know
or are just afraid to know."

Change this to this:

"There are always people
who just won't know
or are just afraid to know"

• "Thus, they would march on" Replace "would" with "still"
• "Or is it that some ones are actually not?" Remove "ones" here.
• "of all the stars up far beyond" Remove "up"
• ", , ," Remove this, unless you actually need it for something
• I would recommend using punctuation more. I think it might help with tone and reading.

Do you have any concerns yourself about the story/imagery ?

Re: Free Verse Crit

JackZR 11 Oct 2019 14:19

Thanks for the suggestions! I changed all of them except the first two. The confusing stanza is because I totally forgot "dawn" is morning, but I wanted to talk about the end of time.

I do want to preserve the imagery, because it represents something. Thought I don't think the readers must know this, and they can come to whatever conclusions they want. Also, I'm not sure if the poem is conveying the things in the way I wish it to be.

+ My thoughts

This poem is a reflection on my craving of information/knowledge, mostly through YouTube, along with my other observations. I take in too much information, but rarely use them in any practical ways. The bucket represents our limited capacity, and emptying the bucket represents letting go of the knowledge or using them in some way. A mind that's fixated on taking in stuff but never empties is an useless mind. It does not contribute to the world, and what's stored inside are functionally garbage. When we die, our mind is emptied regardless. Also, the bucket can hold anything we want in life, like money, health, power, fame. Everything is limited and we cannot bring them with us after we die.

The forest represents the world, the path is our life, the river is the virtue we pursue. Gravity does not let the person fall represents that the world is not sinister or actively trying to harm us. The fact that nobody has ever get to the river represents it's impossible to reach perfection, and extremely hard to come close. The image of people climbing trees is inspired by my cousin. It represents those who think outside of the concerns of general masses, who are not fixated on any achievements for the sake of achieving, are not bounded by the implicit rules of society, are true to themselves, passionate to others, and free in their nature. They transcend into another dimension on their path of life, leaving the ground (2D plane) into the third dimension. Only by doing that can we see the full scope of the world and our life, and get a glimpse of the true ideal world, the river on the sky. But for everyone else, going up requires letting go of their obsession and realizing their stubbornness, which is very challenging.

That's a lot of words of explanation… Sorry if it gets boring.

Re: Free Verse Crit

Avelon21 12 Oct 2019 13:36

I think you conveyed that nicely. The only better thing I can think of for this particular work is word choice, but I like the simplicity it has.

Also, the bucket can hold anything we want in life, like money, health, power, fame. Everything is limited and we cannot bring them with us after we die.

I personally thought that the water in the buckets referred to wealth.

I am quite interested to see what you have next. Poetry is not extremely popular on here, but I think this will make a good first post.