As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/stop1010
Set in a universe where all water is sapient
All feedback is appreciated!
As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
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» As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
Summary:
Set in a universe where all water is sapient
Re: As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
First things first, make sure that the image is sourced from a website that falls under the CC-BY-SA 3.0 License like the Wanderer's Library, or is otherwise usable under the same license.
Suggestions:
- "Why do we do this, you may ask?" What's the point of this rhetorical question? It doesn't really add anything: it doesn't connect with the sentences before it and it doesn't lead into the sentences after it.
- "Soon enough we started to freeze, to die." I don't quite understand why water would die if it was frozen. Perhaps you can reference something else as a cause for misery.
- "…hopefully to places where the beautiful rays of Lord Arpina." Finish your thought.
- Be consistent: Do you capitalize "overseers" or not?
- I don't personally understand the references to global warming and water "casualties". Aren't sea levels actually increasing because frozen water is thawing out? I think you should elaborate more on that.
- "For both of our's sake." Remove the apostrophe 's.
- Flesh out the rest of the journal entries more. I feel like they, the overseers, would have more to say than just "goddamn month". Don't be afraid to expand in weird and funny ways, as that can really add more to an article.
- Again, expand on Operation Great Storm.
- I think it would be interesting to see some sort of news report detailing the effects of the events mentioned. Maybe humans don't even notice or care and everything is still okay?
Keep expanding, keep writing. Post here again when you have more to be reviewed.
Re: As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
Lord Arpina has given us the gift of speech to plead to you to stop emitting so much CO2.
Just saying "CO2" feels a bit too straightforward considering their more poetic style of speech in other places.
I agree with Avelon that the story needs a lot of expansion. It's an interesting premise, but we need more to the story than just the water repeatedly asking for help and saying how bad things are.
Re: As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/stop1010
Sorry for the very, very, very late response
Revised most of the issues the two of you had (hopefully)
Re: As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
Don't worry about the late response; writing takes time, and being too quick without good results is actually bad practice.
With that said…I am spotting a lot of typos here, and I think you should take some time to carefully reread your writing. I am confident that you'll spot what I'm talking about (missing periods, what does "od" mean).
Suggestions:
- Add the "Breaking News" heading (or something similar) to every section that is from a news outlet, and format it differently from the main text (bold, bigger size, etc).
- Yet again, the text is too vague in my eyes to show an interesting point of view. Mention how the clouds are dying, either through the letter entries or the info from the news outlets; mention more on how the letters are being sent (now that I think about it, it does seem a bit strange that clouds are able to both send letters and somehow obtain information from news outlets…).
I still believe this can make a good post on the site, but please add some more detail! Try to imagine what you would want to know as a normal citizen in a world where "Overseers" are sending letters. What would you want to know? What would the news say, and what do you expect Overseers to say if their very existence is threatened?
Re: As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/stop1010
I elaborated on some parts, such as how the Overseers delivered these letters.
One part I am struggling with is the ending. Perhaps you can give suggestions on how to write a better conclusion.
Oh, and I also fixed some grammar mistakes!
Re: As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
I like the revisions and the expansion.
You haven't an idea just how many asteroids we threw off their collision course!
I don't really know how this works…Do you mean that they shield humans partially from asteroids ?
BREAKING NEWS
The last few remaining clouds here on Earth have just disappeared. The hydrological cycle appears to be completely broken, as all water molecules attempting to form into clouds simply disappear without a trace. Furthermore, all… wait, what?! This is… oh God, ladies and gentlemen, it appears millions of clouds have just been located floating in deep space. They are currently on a collision course with Venus!
What if we turned this ending completely upside down and made it so irritatingly clueless…
BREAKING NEWS
All clouds on Earth have apparently…disappeared! Activists and famous politicians, such as Ellen V. Apton and Connor D. Sennings, have tweeted that the change in the sky can be attributed to special effects attacks orchestrated by terrorist groups, while meteorologists and researchers around the globe claim that it's another one of the countless effects of greenhouse gases on the atmosphere. Both groups claim that clouds have merely moved off to the poles or are just thinned by other reactants in the sky. So remember to recycle! Ha!
In coincidence to this, a few hours before the massive displacement of clouds, this message was received by the UN security council:
> Farewell. We will leave you defenseless against the perils of radiation and drought. We hope that you can transport water thousands of miles to other places yourself.
There is no correlation between this message and the disappearance of the clouds, as stated by several established climatologists.
Officials continue to assert the fraudulence of such letters and have tracked down 10 possible suspects in the city of Lewiston, Ohio. Stay tuned for further updates, folks, and enjoy the sunshine!
…Or something similar to that. There is no need to give away the true story at the end, in my opinion. Tell me what you think before posting. If you choose to turn your conclusion into something like I suggested, feel free to edit the rest of your article (especially the news parts) to mimic the tone.
Re: As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/stop1010
Fixed final news report and adjusted the tone of other news reports to match.
Also, do you think this article would benefit from an image?
Re: As the clouds above crash down into the sea, the world as we know it crumbles (draft)
Note: I saw your message on discord, and I'm responding here.
- "sending more letters(which would be pointless). Time is ticking, and it won't be long before we will perish." Add a space before the parentheses, remove the "will" in the second sentence.
- "but have to find a way to survive." But we have to find a way to survive.
- I don't think "cure" should be surrounded by quotes. It doesn't really fit the tone of what the Overseers are requesting.
Make sure to make all the "Breaking News" sections bold. Besides that and the stuff above, I like this. You can add more to the end, but I think you have a good first post written out right now !
Final note: No rush for posting or progress, I'm just glad you haven't given up =D
/forum/t-12856430/as-the-clouds-above-crash-down-into-the-sea-the-world-as-we#post-