My first thing

Summary:

i wrote a poem that was originally not going to be one

My first thing

DR Shiba Nasu 20 Dec 2019 19:38

Tea bags missing
It was the end
i was at the roof
I was looking down
contemplating

Finding a end because i lost my tea
Or it could be my tea was stolen
Time to find out
I walked away from the roof.
down the stairs i went
Looking at all who decide to vent

He entered his house
Finding a end to his pointless scout.
He looked around in a pout
as finding nothing to make him spout

He left in a hurry
Finding nothing in his flurry
He went outside
He went to the couch
and only found stuff to make him grouch

He went to the mansion
to find something to make him expiration
but he did not find
The thing to sooth his mind

But then he heard a ho ho ho
And then he started to glow
his mind was beginning to flow
As his tea began to fall
right into his arms as he called
Thank you and merry Christmas.
Done..

i would love if i could get some critique on this to help me make this better.

Re: My first thing

Avelon21 20 Dec 2019 20:19

1) I think you should read my guide to poetry. It should help with structure and rhythm.
2) This appears to be a poem that tries to tell a story, but I can't spot any real content (aka real, specific information I can latch onto, remember, and potentially summarize). There isn't anything that gives any details, and it seems that the poem is broken down into two halves that are only vaguely related by the word "tea".

Develop a consistent structure and use it to tell a story with a concrete storyline. Otherwise, this concept won't be received very well.

Create a sandbox, by the way, and reply with more questions/an improved draft.

Re: My first thing

DR Shiba Nasu 20 Dec 2019 21:59

Thank you for your feedback i will do all of that and i already have a a draft but sense i am still new here i dont know if i am allowed to put the link to my draft into the idea post cause you are not allowed to do that in the SCP wiki