Excerpts from the War of Leaves

Summary:

Looking for both format and general advice

Excerpts from the War of Leaves

Tesrec Ameginn 24 Jul 2015 02:58

I've begun working on a new story by the name of Excerpts from the War of Leaves, focusing on main excerpts and folk tales to explain a series of conflicts call the War of Leaves. I've written a small amount so far and intend to add on, but was wondering if anyone could give me any advice. The story can be found under the second tab of this page: http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/tesrec-s-corner

Re: Excerpts from the War of Leaves

Todd_Ingram 24 Jul 2015 19:22

I like the idea of the story being composed of excerpts, although its effectiveness as a single story might change depending on how many of said excerpts you plan on including.

I've included a couple of sections below with remarks about a couple of the excerpts. I left out the two at the bottom, as I assume those are unfinished.

+ Of The War of Leaves

The dark of the early years, several wars were fought over the continent…

Did you mean "IN the dark of the early years, or perhaps DURING? Without either, the sentence is not grammatically sound.

Few stand out as brutal and desperate as the War of Leaves. Few documents survive from these times, outside of folklore and ballads.

Starting both of these sentences with 'few' breaks up the structure of the passage. Maybe rework the second sentence into something like "Outside of folklore and ballads, surviving documents from this time are few and far between."

In an effort to preserve what is known from one of the most influential wars of our great planet for posterity…

I don't think the 'from' is grammatical here, although somebody might have to back me up on that. 'One of the most influential wars of our great planet' is a bit of an awkward phrasing, but it works fine with the tone of the piece.

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+ Ballad of the Leaf Folk

I like this ballad a lot. While others might be perturbed by the poetic structure without a consistent rhyming scheme, I like what it does to the tone. My only qualm is this: Would these Leaf Folk really go as far as to write a ballad addressed to their enemies during a "brutal and desparate" war? Your call.

Re: Excerpts from the War of Leaves

Tesrec Ameginn 24 Jul 2015 19:39

Thank you so much for the advice! I do plan on adding onto the excerpts at the bottom as well as adding others, and will definitely take your advice regarding grammar and story structure.

Last edited on 24 Jul 2015 19:40 by Tesrec Ameginn Show more