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Concerns: tell me all of them
Link to story: http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/the-boy-who-struck-god
The story is too short. There isn't enough content here for me to give a good critique, so please expand on the story and reply when you've made some revisions. Perhaps delve into the boy's subsequent journey and plans.
I have made some revisions, thank you for your feedback.
Please properly space everything out with paragraphs.
I need you to read through this again and fix the run-on sentences, and fix the errors with commas. If you don't mind me asking, how is your experience with English grammar and sentences ? How you convey your thoughts is clear (albeit very boring), but you need to have more flexibility with sentence structure and more comprehension of comma-usage. Also work on your spelling.
The story itself doesn't really make a lot of sense, and is uninteresting to read through (although interest is partially determined by language use, so make sure to improve that too). First of all, the concept of magic and "soul" in the story is very obscure and vague. How does the boy instantly "find" his soul ? If it was so easy, how come he did not figure out magic earlier ?
My second main issue with this story is that the connection between the meteorites and the boy's revenge doesn't make much sense: how does the boy instantly bear hate against Gods and Monsters ? Does he honestly think that the Gods/Monsters caused it ? Add more detail to that particular thought process, and it should make more sense.
My third main issue is characterization. Please work on adding more detail on how the characters are, and perhaps give the boy a name. Also, I think this piece of prose would benefit if you added more of the boy's internal thoughts and emotions.
Feel free to ask me if you have any questions, and reply whenever you've made revisions accordingly.
I have made more revisions.
Sorry this took long, I have been kind of pushing this project to the back burner because of school assignments. (Grade 12)
I am sorry if this has a lot of grammar errors, currently I am only able to write this out on a my mobile device.
Please fix the formatting. I will read it more thoroughly after you fix the spacing, but I feel that you are lacking details and internal thought still.
I have tried my best to fix the format.
I need your help in understanding how to add inner thoughts and monologues.
I am glad you are so patient with such an amateur.
I need your help in understanding how to add inner thoughts and monologues.
Do you have Discord by any chance, or maybe IRC (I ask because it would be significantly easier for me to workshop this concept with you on something live-text)? If not, that's okay too, although I think that we should move on to Wikidot messages if you would still like help.
There are still grammar errors that need to be fixed; please proofread if you are able to use a larger device now. Feel free to tell me if you are having trouble catching the errors, and I'll list some for you.
My main concern here is that your prose is severely lacking in detail, and you end up with something that is mostly composed of dialogue with almost no description. Take this bit for example, after the meteorite strikes:
"War, son. War has begun." The father responded.
"Son go inside and grab your mother!" The father said.
I have a lot of questions here: Why is this separated into two lines and not one ("War, son. War has begun." The father responded. "Son, go inside and grab your mother!")? How does the scene look? What is the father's expression? What is Enkidu thinking right now? These are things that you can write in and add more detail and content to what you write, and give interest to the story as a whole. To start off, expand on half of the dialogue lines you have already and see what you can do. Include anything to help the story flow, to provide more detail, or to help build the life and world of Enkidu in the reader's mind.
I do own a discord the name is Shido, though I don't use it often and will probably be unavailable for live-text.
I am unable to write on a larger device because of my brother and college assignments.
I do not know what wiki dot messages is. I have never used it, and I am unfamiliar with it.
I mean private messages on Wikidot.
I still really recommend Discord, for two reasons:
1) You can join our Discord server for the Library.
2) It's just easier overall to communicate.
If you choose to chat more on Discord, what is your full user ID (Shido#????) ?
I am no longer interested in this project. You may delete this post.
I no longer believe it is worth your time.
I will no longer be updating this project any further.
Thank you for your help, I am truly grateful. I am sorry this didn't bear fruit.
I may return when I graduate and have a greater understanding of writing, as well as a laptop.
You can have the draft, and if you decide to work on it, I will not take any credit nor will I be associated with the work.
I am no longer interested in this project.
I respect your decision. May you do well in your future endeavors.
(account deleted)