Is This Draft Appropraite for the Site?

Summary:

Or any other advice that could help.

Is This Draft Appropraite for the Site?

LittleFieryOne 31 Mar 2020 06:59

So I wrote this spontaneously in an hour and a half without much consideration for if it would be appropriate to post to the Wanderer's Library. I've read a few things on here, and from what I gather it's much more centered on a mythology/fantasy theme. This story I wrote closer to being modern and surreal, is the issue. So would a story like this work fine on the site, or would it go too hard against the theming? And either way, could it be improved, or is there not enough here to develop?

Here's the sandbox, first tab titled "What's Missing?"

Re: Is This Draft Appropraite for the Site?

(account deleted) 31 Mar 2020 12:49

There is no sandbox linked.

Re: Is This Draft Appropraite for the Site?

LittleFieryOne 31 Mar 2020 15:40

Oh fuck me, that's what I get for doing this at 2 AM. Here, so sorry.

Review:

(account deleted) 31 Mar 2020 19:32

Right off the bat, I see a lot of issues with verb tenses.

The next moment is about as clear as the first.

It should be "was", or if you want to keep the narration style of "someone recounting the story in past tense with present tense commentary", you could say "I remember the next moment as clearly as the first". Fix these errors throughout.

…someone would ask "Why did you turn around?"

You need a comma after "ask". You make this mistake a few other times, so please correct all instances.

Before I assume it was the laughter. Whether or not I was faking it, that would make a bit of sense to fake, as I wouldn't want to be that person to imply a joke wasn't funny. But I mean, I was in the privacy of my own home during this second instance.

This is extremely confusing. Please fix clarification and consistency with what you wrote before.

I can't even imagine a cloud being anything besides a cloud.

What does this even mean/how does it fit? Is it intentionally confusing?

The dream I'd hadn't

Had, not hadn't.

I simply let myself spin around and fall, my back hitting the wall…

Hmm, I can't visualize this, unless you mention that the basement is small enough for this to happen.

The white fluff around it's head…

Its, not it's. Fix this error a few more times.

judgement

Well, something like this could fit on here, but it definitely needs more improvement. The story itself is a little confusing, and you should at least clear up all of the scenes.

So I wrote this spontaneously in an hour and a half…

I ask that you reread your entire story and see if it follows whatever you had planned. Also, why does the narrator never notice the end result until the end? It seems somewhat noticeable. Please reply with any thoughts that you have, or any clarification/questions that you would like me to know/respond to.

Re: Review:

LittleFieryOne 01 Apr 2020 03:42

Thank you for the feedback! I would like to clarify a couple things.

I can't even imagine a cloud being anything besides a cloud.

The cloud thing I intended as a reference to that old trope of people looking at clouds and seeing things like faces, objects, etc. I kinda want to keep it, but I can edit it so it's more clear.

Mainly, I want to clarify where I imagine this going (and it's not there yet, of course). While I was writing, I wanted a mood similar to a Franz Kafka story (I think "The Cares of a Family Man" is a good one for comparison). I think the speaker not noticing the plant on their neck fits with that kind of strange tone, as well as leaving out details of individual moments. That said, I can understand if that's not the best approach for this story, on top of it being not executed the best way. So I suppose there are two directions I can take it. I can develop these instances more with concrete details and build up to the ending more clearly, or I could make the rest of the story more bizarre and surreal so the ending doesn't feel so misplaced. Which one would you recommend (or any other suggestion you think I need to hear)?

Re: Review:

(account deleted) 01 Apr 2020 13:32

So I suppose there are two directions I can take it. I can develop these instances more with concrete details and build up to the ending more clearly, or I could make the rest of the story more bizarre and surreal so the ending doesn't feel so misplaced.

You can do both. The dream scene, for instance, can be reworked to be both more bizarre and meaningful to the overall story: Perhaps the bizarre dream now references choking…Or perhaps it references a fear of hurting others, which causes the narrator's throat to close up…Followed by the image of a vicious python…Whatever you feel fits the story, as long as it is well-executed and contributes to the message.

I think the speaker not noticing the plant on their neck fits with that kind of strange tone, as well as leaving out details of individual moments.

If you want to do this, for example, you must be entirely concise with how you paint the other scenes, since insanity is probably the only way any of this makes sense.

Post again if you have another draft, or if you have any questions.

Re: Review:

LittleFieryOne 02 Apr 2020 00:25

When you say concise do you mean specifically in how accurately I describe what's happening or in the more broad sense of what I want to get across?

Re: Review:

(account deleted) 02 Apr 2020 03:08

Eh, well both intentions that you mentioned are essentially connected; in other words, they're both affected by the way that you'll correct all the scenes, so just do your best to get the rest of the message through the story =D.

tag: verse.

Re: Review:

LittleFieryOne 09 Apr 2020 07:25

Alright, I've gotten another draft together. Is this one improved?

Review 2.0

(account deleted) 10 Apr 2020 19:28

I could have certainly turned around to check if someone was behind me, but then someone would ask…

Fix the tense; best way would probably be "would have asked".

my reaction would no actually become fake

Change "no" to "then" or just remove it entirely.

And they do seem to just know

Did.

if I was

Were.

DECLARATION

Review the verb tenses. Act as if you were saying this story out loud to one of your friends.

I feel like the story is definitely more focused now, but everything feels just so mashed rather than coordinated. Is there some sort of connection between Dandelions and Faking…? I suppose it's written well enough at this point to be decent, but I think something akin to dialogue would be interesting. I just feel like this situation is lacking depth, in terms of why does it matter/how is it affecting the narrator's daily life, and I think that a direct interaction with another person would help immensely. Of course, all of this is just a review to potentially help; what are your thoughts?

Re: Review 2.0

LittleFieryOne 11 Apr 2020 07:58

Showing more how this affects the narrator's daily life is a great idea. I'm not sure I'd like dialogue specifically, since I think that would withdraw the reader too far out of the speaker's head; however, I could go into more detail of how they're withdrawing, maybe further illustrate the moment with their mother.

As for how it's mashed, I see what you mean. I had in mind a basic structure for how this would be organized: The early moments when the idea is planted, then show it escalate, then have that last moment of realization. However, I did not consider a connection between the events, as I wanted this to be more fragmented and less like a string of cause and effect. While I'd like to hold onto that element, I do have an idea for how to connect them regardless:

I think the reason I wrote about a dandelion at the end back when I was first typing this out is that I equated this thought process to a weed. Something that, while it naturally springs up, can be a drain on what's around it, and is very difficult to remove and prevent the spread of; or at least that's what the speaker is afraid of. I bring this up because I think one solution is to use more natural imagery throughout the rest of the piece. I could use language like "planted," "rooted," "sprung up," etc. I could tie this more into the thought process the speaker is in. That could help me further focus what this is about; although I'd probably have to balance it so that it's not too prevalent. I don't know, do you think this would be a good or bad way to go about it?

Re: Review 2.0

(account deleted) 11 Apr 2020 15:51

I like all of your ideas, and to be honest, everything really depends on how you execute it.

I wanted this to be more fragmented

If you want this to be more fragmented, you have to make it so that each "fragment" could potentially act on its own as a separate entity. As an example, those pieces of self-reflection would have to be either cut/transformed into something much more strange and fulfilling to the overall plot. And as a note, those types of stories with "fragments" have those fragments still linked in some way, like a spider diagram for brainstorming.

Good work so far, continue writing !