The Mist is Hostile / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page The Mist is Hostile.

Prompt #7

Marceline_Raynes 23 Apr 2020 06:20

So I chose promt 7 for this one. I accidentally posted it to the SCP wiki instead of this one and it tanked, so hopefully it goes a little better here! I hope you enjoy this story about a man search the sea for his brother!

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~ M.D.R.

Avelon21 23 Apr 2020 15:31

You should consider italicizing "the Intrepid", and I think you make the mistake of replacing it with "the Star" in the last few paragraphs. I like the story enough to upvote, even if the beginning is just a little too typical for my tastes. The imagery in the middle and end were great ^^. Good job.

Marceline_Raynes 23 Apr 2020 20:01

I appreciate the up vote, but I'm a little confused on what you mean by typical. I don't wanna repeat the mistake afain in later works, so any help would be appreciated! I'm glad you enjoyed it though!

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~ M.D.R.

RJB_R 23 Apr 2020 15:34

There's definitely a story being told here, but the densely-written prose and the jumping between the present and the past without clear delineation prevented me from having a real emotional investment in these characters. I think next time, break things up a little more, try giving the characters dialogue so they can tell us how they feel instead of us, the readers, just being told what feelings are being felt. The ending is good, but I think the preceding story needs work to give that good ending its fullest possible impact.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

Marceline_Raynes 23 Apr 2020 20:03

Thank you! I'll try to revise it once the contest is over. Dialogue is not my strong suit so I tried to avoid it here!

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~ M.D.R.

Nagiros 23 Apr 2020 20:42

The samely-spaced paragraph blocks are a tad unappealing to read through. The larger issue, though, is that I was never particularly invested in Roorke's character. The things that happen in his life (which should be super investing) are just told to us and glossed over in the first few paragraphs.

Also I think you call Agnar "Agnus" at one point.