Hey there, thanks for waiting. Crazy times these are, huh ?
that convinced to come out here.
Missing a "me" ?
lifted up the tarpaulin beside them
What happened to the guy that was hunched on it?
They just finished gathering some supplies and are about to descend in a few more minutes.
Is the vessel really that large? I would think that bigger isn't better in really deep pressures.
than fucking Caleb
The strikethrough is useless in my opinion; to be honest, pretty much all of the strikethroughs are useless since it's a personal journal anyway. Just think about what would make sense to cross out and what wouldn't.
So, yeah. Currently writing this with my remaining hand.
By this point, he is in no fit mental condition to be writing anything. This really doesn't make sense, and I'd suggest letting Lisbon take over writing this long journal entry.
A few superiors of his, who were much more discreet in their approach, had passed cryptic ciphers in every private document that they gave to him, detailing confidential operations involving a certain geyser park.
If they're so discreet, how'd Howard find out about the ciphers…?
L.S., Cursive, Bloomberg, heck, even Kabarat
Seriously? A relatively mundane guy referencing L.S?
JUDGEMENT
A few things don't make sense.
What's wrong with the captain? Why is his second-in-command doing all the work? This doesn't really fit well with my idea of what should be a well-oiled crew, at least one deemed fit enough to dive into the ocean.
The journal writing style is nice for the most part, but remember that the guy is writing a journal in the midst of panic, not some memoir. I bring this up because he seems a little dumb earlier on, but his language and journal skills are better-than-average…
Hearing the aforementioned threat against him
This, for example, is way too clunky. "Hearing the threat" would really fit more. There's a lot of examples of these clunky phrases, so please reread and address them.
The narrative part after the journal doesn't make much sense in itself either. Howard is surprisingly versed in magic and the anomalous, it seems, but for what? The events in the journal aren't enough to just say, "oh there's something anomalous being described" unless he himself is very knowledgeable about these sorts of things. What is Howard's background?? I would definitely add more context since the shift in affiliation with the anomalous is really sudden and doesn't make much sense. The ending of the story is also disappointing, since nothing really happens except Howard narrating to himself about the Foundation…
In all honesty, this would work better as a Foundation tale than a WL story. Especially because of the ending parts.
