The Obelisk / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page The Obelisk.

Who are the "Nälkä"?

Valisyr 03 May 2020 00:35

the Nälkä also known as "Sarkicism" is a religious and philosophical system that encompasses a variety of traditions, beliefs, and spiritual practices largely based on teachings attributed to “Grand Karcist Ion”. Nälkä practices often include cannibalism, human sacrifice, thaumaturgy, dimensional manipulation and have been shown to harness the ability to form "pacts" with otherworldly beings and entities.
The religion was originally founded by "Grand Karcist Ion" thousands of years ago, but has since then been fractured into several groups worldwide, Two major groups of the Nälkä are Proto-Sarkites and the Neo-Sarkites.

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OHGODOHFUCK

Last edited on 03 May 2020 00:36 by Valisyr Show more

(account deleted) 04 May 2020 13:39

There's some awkward language that makes it a little clunky and hard-to-read. I like some of the imagery, but I feel like the last scene involving the maw of the beast wasn't done as well as it could've been. Overall a nice narrative, but I think it should be streamlined for full immersion in accordance with the use of second-person.

Valisyr 04 May 2020 15:48

Yeah, I looked at doing second person, but when I do second person, it gets all jumbled up, with mix up of pass and present tenses, however I am looking at making a second part of this. So perhaps I could experiment with that

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OHGODOHFUCK

rumetzen 07 May 2020 17:47

The intro was nice, but I felt the writing in the fight scene was disorganized and didn't do a good job of making the reader feel the action.

Also as a nitpick, in the opening you say the only thing that can be seen is smoke, but then go on to describe many other visible things in the area. It might be better as something like "it's difficult to see through the haze of smoke".

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read YONQ

Valisyr 11 May 2020 14:31

Noted, thank you!

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OHGODOHFUCK

Maxyfran73 17 Jan 2023 00:04

You have an interesting style here, and I think it worked really well at the beginning, but by the end of it I got really tired of this constant barrage that didn't feel all that enticing to read. The last block of writing is literally that: A massive, fleshy block that didn't feel as impactful now that about half the story was compacted this way.

I think this rambling, stream-kinda writing has a place, but too much of it results tiring and you start losing motivation in reading; least, that's what happened to me.

Onto the writing itself, I feel the core concept was solid, but this rambling style didn't help it, because it slowly felt like nothing was really happening besides a lengthening of something that didn't feel as though it needed to be as long.

Overall, yeah, not a fan of this one. -1