Visiting the Lake / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Visiting the Lake.

Tentative +1

Arbiter_Darkness 23 Jan 2021 21:47

I really like the premise and literary devices you used - however at points the text felt really flat - this could have been the effect you were going for given the theme of the tale but it made the reading experience slightly more dissatisfying. In addition I like the reveal at the end except for the final bit - that felt so sharp compared to the rest and on the nose which is a style which contrasted with the rest of the tale. Overall I am glad I read it though.

:)

Snapdragon133 24 Jan 2021 07:05

I like the concept of the piece, but the execution just doesn't land for me. The first paragraph's tone doesn't match the majority of the second paragraph's tone, and things are similarly jumbled throughout the story. This can definitely be done better

Explaining my downvote

ZeroMan 25 Jan 2021 00:41

I liked the fantastical atmosphere you gave to the piece, but I think that gets dragged down by your endless descriptions of the most mundane things that ended up tiring me instead of making the scene more special, like they should. I think trying to write a contrast between the mundane and the surreal is good, but sometimes there was just too much mundane that really served no purpose in the article other than just be there.

Usually I'm okay with fantastical things not being explained, like the powers of the little girl, but how is a whole civilization lost under a lake? It felt to me as if that was done only to fit into the theme of the jam. The city doesn't even have its own name, though that might be a nitpick of mine.

The use of "unimportant" at the beginning also miffed me. I understand what you tried to do with that, but it just got annoying after the fifth time.

Anyways, I wish you the best in your future writing endeavors, but this is a -1 for me.

Gabriel McQueen 25 Jan 2021 06:06

I love the concept here, that the last fragments of some great lost civilization are now known to only one girl, who uses them as a cool spot to have a picnic. There's some lovely imagery here to set the scene, too (the part where you described the plants and wildlife at the point where the creek spilled into the lake was the strongest part of this, to me), though I think you get a little bogged down in, ironically, what I think are unimportant details (such as the brand or lack thereof of her headphones, the contents of her bag). If you could bump up the description of the ruins themselves, which are a bit matter-of-fact, to the caliber of your earlier descriptions of the life of the lake, to really evoke their former majesty, now crumbled, I think it'd make the mundanity of the picnic lunch seem all the more charming in comparison. Overall a nice read though!

lulatred 25 Jan 2021 14:46

I share most of the points everyone made above. The overwhelming descriptions of seemingly unimportant things to the narrative get very boring after a while. The story also follows a nature focused theme, until it takes a sharp turn with the introduction of this whole city that is, somehow, under that small lake. Although this shift in focus could be interesting, the city is never explored, we're given a name, a vague overview and that's it. Maybe if you expand the article it can get very good, but as it is I will unfortunately have to downvote it. Still, the writing is very good overall, so I can say for sure that there is great potential here. Good luck and good writing!