To me, the narrative felt very flat. There was no reason to care about any of the characters or the world they lived in. The critic you tried to make, although one I agree with, was thrown into the readers' face with no subtlety, and I'm not fond of the stories that do things like that. Your readers can understand and piece together what you mean as long as you leave the right clues for them.
The ending sort of just happened and brought no real conclusion with it, and the picture was just sort of thrown there, I couldn't find an actual connection between it and the story.
Despite this, you write well, from a technical point of view. The story has potential, you just have to develop it further. Enrich your world, tell us why we should care about it, why we should care for your characters. Help the readers feel for them and with them as the narrating character describes what he goes through!
Good luck with the rest of the jam, I really believe this has potential.
Firstly, thank you kindly for your comment.
I understand that this had poor story, I have difficulty writing story under time limit (which is partially framed at the jam), so it definitely isn't the story I would normally write. I am glad that my technical writing was good, as that is something I particularly excel at. After the jam (if this stays up), I'll likely go back and add some more depth to this with this feedback you gave.
Thank you kindly!
~~~🐜Ant boi baby🐜~~~
I feel like the concept of a city full of Neverwere could've been done better. It hardly seems like a neverwere entry in the first place tbh, at least with what I've seen covering them. I hope you rewrite this
Hey, I get that. This was meant to be a newer take on the concept of Neverwere, so I'm happy it at least seemed newer, but I can see how it definitely could have been done better.
The concept is meant to be that Neverwere is a being which is only in a temporary state, slowly fading away. Neverwere itself is a state which can be escaped, and is reached by finding yourself once more, most commonly through hope. I can see how that doesn't fit in with the concept of Neverwere, but that's how I personally wish to interpret it.
Regardless, I can justify it all I want and it'll still stand the same that it probably could have more depth in this specific entry, so I'll work on that. I do plan to rewrite this after the jam!
~~~🐜Ant boi baby🐜~~~
Unfortunately, I just didn't really get what was going on here. Between the trapped (or maybe not actually trapped?) spirits, the woman (who was set up as if she was going to do something important, but then leaves, seemingly without leaving much of an impact, and without us learning anything about her), the city itself, and the grassy place, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to take literally, or metaphorically. The narration made me think this was a metaphor for people who don't make much of an impact with their lives, but also a purgatory where those kind of people go after death? The woman, was she meant to be an individual character, or just a symbol of how desperate people can fixate on others to solve their problems?
This is an odd piece; I feel like there's a lot of build up to essentially nothing, and that's what hurts the piece the most. Not bad, just… Aimless. Perhaps this was the purpose of the piece, but as a story, it isn't very engaging.
Novote.