Crit request: The Child and the Drunkard

Summary:

First Wandercon crossover?

Crit request: The Child and the Drunkard

Maxyfran73 24 Oct 2021 21:58

Looking for crit on the only story here.

This is supposed to be a sort of sequel to Even an Oni is Fond of Chinese Poetry, narrated by The Silver'd Fabulist. If you could check both beforehand, that'd be neat, but I think it should be able to be read without needing these (Albeit a read of at least one entry of the Alaggadan storyteller would be appreciated for the way the sentences here are constructed.)

Points I'm worried about:

• Does it feel like an entry for the Silver'd Fabulist?
• Does it reads coherently? The Fabulist uses uh, a language that is at times hard to follow, so I want to make sure the flow isn't a total mess.
• Did I use the word 'beast' too much? I feel like that's the case, but not too sure.

More general worries exist, such as 'is it good?' and 'Is it written good?' but those aren't specific enough, of course.

Ultimately, any feedback helps~

Re: Crit request: The Child and the Drunkard

Snapdragon133 31 Oct 2021 19:15

Hi Maxy! Happy to see the first attempt at writing another team's character! And I do think this a good start

I'd say this fits the Silver'd Fabulist pretty well, but there's some improvements that could be made. The first paragraph leans a little too heavily on complicated words, especially in the last sentence. I'd simplify a couple of those words, not all of them, just a couple in the middle of the others so it flows a bit better.

Also in the first paragraph, "In days gone by, I brought upon the tale" I'm not sure if 'I brought upon' is a saying I'm not familiar with, but it sounds incorrect. I probably would go with 'I came upon'

In general, I think the Fabulist has a general disdain for humans, and in this one he seems to praise them a lot. Praising the Child from Ibaraki makes a bit more sense, but his complimenting of the samurai and the warriors who killed the beasts and the Drunken Child seem out of character to me. If he does give compliments, they seem to usually be underhanded, or bewildered how a human would manage such a thing.

I see you did include some asides, explaining the oddities of humanity, but I think you could've done it a bit more, maybe once or twice more.

I did like the story! It was interesting to see how the Oni (bugbear? You refer to it as a bugbear here but oni in the original story, which weirded me out. Are they the same in this culture?) reacted when the poet left, and kind of fell into their instincts. Also I wouldn't worry too much about using beast too much, I wasn't annoyed by it.

Let me know if there any specific questions you have about what I said or anything about your piece you'd like me to comment on