Crit request? Next in Line

Summary:

Just showing off a draft to help people get some ideas of what stories for the new sss canon could look like

Crit request? Next in Line

destinysday 30 Oct 2021 03:18

I wrote this quick draft as a showcase for what new stories in the new sss canon could potentially look like.

Focuses on an unhappy worker stuck at his desk at this particular section of the afterlife dealing with a confused new arival. Offers some exposition on where they are, small glimpses into how some workers might be recruited into their new positions, one personal theory on reincarnation in this new system were coming up with, etc

What do you think of some of the ideas presented in this piece? I'm bringing this up now to get people talking and hopefully inspire some more thoughts into the collective creative process

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/destinysday under the tab Next in Line
As always critique is welcome

Re: Crit request? Next in Line

Snapdragon133 07 Nov 2021 22:45

I think the ideas presented here are pretty neat for the new canon, even though the hub hasn't been finalized. As for the story itself, I probably would upvote if it was on the site, but I do think it could be better. Maybe you could show the person's struggles with dealing with the job they just got.

Sorry for not giving a ton of crit, but I just couldn't think of much to say tbh

Re: Crit request? Next in Line

Hambleton 08 Nov 2021 13:00

I’m brand new here so am probably not the person to assess the value of this story’s themes and ideas for the new canon. However, I hope I can make a few comments on the tale in its own right.

I like the narrative voice. It sounds careworn and chippy and yet still cares enough to explain the situation. But, there is quite a lot of explaining. Much of the middle tranche is exposition and because of the styling of your piece, it is just one-way exposition. There is no counter voice to direct the discussion, take some of the load, or even refute it.

The voice also switches quite quickly in tone. It opens with a testy dismissive attitude that implies something unusual and annoying has happened but then it becomes more friendly and sympathetic, giving the impression that missing case numbers are, in fact, a common problem. This doesn’t quite gibe with the narrator’s opening frustration and word choice.

I like the ideas expressed in the story a lot and I can see that they could open out more as they get explored further but I’m not up to speed on the details of the new canon yet so can’t speak to the story’s efficacy in that regard.

I realise you didn’t specifically ask for a critique of the style, more on its themes, so my apologies if this is unhelpful.