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Heya, lookin for some crit on 'Reginald's Regin'. This one is a long lad. 7500 words. If you don't have time, don't worry about it. It would be best for you to have read Sir Reginald Frankfurter De Dandy Carlyle and The Tree of Alexandria. Just lookin for general critique. Everything is helpful. Thank ya!
Heya! Here's some crit for you:
First off, loving all the references to other characters and stories within the Library. You've done it in a way that feels natural rather than shoehorned in. I also like how this builds off of your previous two tales, as I was curious between the overlap of Frank saying he made the drink in The Tree of Alexandria, but Sir Reginald Frankfurter De Dandy Carlyle Esq giving a completely different story. Totally makes sense how it's a commercial gone wrong. The continued worldbuilding is great.
Secondly, the voice used throughout this is really strong, and quite a few lines got some chuckles out of me. That kept me engaged throughout the tale, despite it's length. That being said, it was probably also a good idea that this tale ends as a cliffhanger and (hopefully) will pick up in a second entry, as the spot where it ended was a natural pause point. I wouldn't push the piece to be any longer than it already is.
I don't think I have any major issues with this tale content wise - it's solid, I'm excited to see how this piece continues, and I'd give it an upvote right now if I could.
As for general cleanup, here's a few spelling/grammar stuff that I caught:
"Not in slightest, cause someone won't take time to explain.
Not in the slightest
"That it?" I asked, "No explanations, just orders?"
"That's it?" I asked, "no explanations, just orders?"
S4m asked, her voiced strained…reshelving book as Volek had arrived.
S4m asked, her voice strained… resheleving books as Volek had arrived.
and it itself is and aspect of existence,
and it itself is an aspect of existence,
What the hell did I have to go back too?
What the hell did I have to go back to?
should have been to small to fit it in.
should have been too small to fit it in.
short ed of the stick too.
short end of the stick too
losing an emaciated, homocidal beast in the stacks,
homicidal
every slam of the monsters feet
monster's
picking a number of glistening red shard of still smoking metal
red shards
But the time flies, irretrievable.
Thanks a million UC! I see I have a good amount of SPaG to get to, so thank you for pointing it out to me. I definitely am planning to have a second entry to this, though the final draft may end up being a bit longer since I think I should probably expand the ending a bit, as Snap suggested. Probably will end up around 8k words, but that's just how it goes sometimes. Thank you so much for the compliments!
First, a couple spelling things that I noticed and Crossing didn't!
"The Rounderpede got the thespin to safety.
thespian
it had gotten the short ed of the stick too.
short end
back of her shirt was soaked with read.
soaked with red
Ok so Frank's voice was also a highlight for me, he's a very enjoyable narrator. The story is very interesting too, and while in my headcanon I don't believe the Library would ever destroy itself, I can see where the characters are coming from for this decision.
Also!!!! Patch!! My boy!! He gets slapped around as he should and cartwheels out of the story like a fool. No complaints.
Unfortunately, I'm not letting you off that easy buster. I had a couple issues with the progression of the plot near the end of the story. Specifically: the scene where the Main Reginald Beast (I assume it's the main one because it has the crown) is killed and the dream sequence where S4m loses her arms + the after scene where they go through the gateway.
1. Frankfurter Himself
Right, I just didn't find it super believable that this group of people could kill this beast that 1. The Rounderpede couldn't defeat and 2. The Library had to be destroyed for. I understand that there were loads of other beasts in the Library, so that would benefit the second point, but it's just not believable enough to me that they could do this, even with the mysterious excuse of managed to slash the creature. Honestly, the slash doesn't even come into play when they kill it, instead opting for the shooting down the throat thing. I think it would be a lot more believable if it was maybe rewritten to say they only managed to incapacitate it (which caused the crown to break off), and emphasize it would have been impossible without the mystery wound.
2. The ending
I think the ending moved way too fast. After the dream sequence, they almost immediately throw themselves into the gateway, without processing anything. The story doesn't even mention if S4m's arms are ok. I know it's a really long story, but it needs to slow down at the end. Have them talk it over, discuss what to do next, why should they go through the terrifying portal of doom? Why does Craigory immediately assume they have to explore the gateway? That seems like the worst option to me. Additionally, (and this may just be me) when was S4m wounded in the stomach? Only her arms were noted to be sliced off. When was it bandaged, because they just woke up together? My point is, that to end on such a rushed note leaves a reader dissatisfied, and everything needs to cool down before the end of the story.
I hope you don't think I was too harsh, I just really wanted to express my concerns with the ending scenes of the story. Otherwise, I think it's a very cool tale! It definitely challenges some headcanons, but that's what'll make it unique! If you have any questions or just want me to explain something better, please feel free to ask.
Well Mr. Snap, you are right on all accounts. The reason the end is rushed is because I just wanted to get this damn thing to the next step of the process since I'd been sitting on it for months. The inconsistencies with S4m's injuries are probably because I misremembered or didn't properly reread the stuff I had already written. So yeah, Imma need to fix that, thank you for calling it out. Also, you are completely correct about how they killed the monster in the Library. Looking back now, I have no idea as to why I had Jish deliver the killing blow. I think it might have been that I wanted S4m to be injured or minorly incapacitated for some tension or something, and maybe also because I felt like Jish and Craigory were being kinda useless. So Imma need to fix literally that entire scene.
To fix all of this, I have a couple of ideas.
This is my first idea. What I'm thinking is that I will keep the mysterious person attacking Reginald and causing the gash in its back. Then, as before, S4m and company will rush in. S4m will attack Reginald, grabbing at the wound and ripping its flesh further, but Reginald will still incapacitate her. Instead of killing the thing, Jish and Craigory will momentarily chain the thing down with some magic shit, then Jish will grab S4m and Frank's bodies and start running. Craigory will linger by the restrained monster for a moment before attempting to remove the crown. He is only capable of removing a couple of fragments before the monster starts to break through its bonds. Craigory then high tails it out of there to catch up with Jish, and they find some other minor respite to patch themselves up.
My second idea changes a lot more. If you recall from the Tree of Alexandria story, there is a region in the Library called the Burned Stacks which features a potentially bottomless chasm. In this version, Frank would accidentally be blocked from running further by the chasm. He would run parallel to the chasm, instead of down a hallway, and the same exhaustion part would play out. The mysterious figure still shows up and damages the monster, hindering long enough for S4m and crew to show up. Instead of trying to brute force kill the monster, they will basically trick it into falling into the chasm, since they can't damage it. At some point Reginald will have head butted a shelf or something, breaking off the shards of the crown. These are the two ways I see of solving this issue. An additional benefit of this second idea is that their cue to continue moving could be that they hear Reginald's continued roars still emanating from the chasm, suggesting it was not a permanent solution.
Another thing your crit has made me think about is that I might want to drop a couple more hints as to why the Library is electing to destroy itself. I need to be vague, because big spoilies, but the monsters themselves are not the biggest threat. The reason they elected to destroy the Library had more to do with what was behind the monsters, what else might be loose in the Library. Something so terrible that they would rather destroy everything they ever cared about in order to keep every other reality safe. This was my intent behind the whole 'destroy the Library' thing, but I can see how that might not get across very well.
In any case, thanks a million for your critique! I need someone to call me out on my lazy bullshit sometimes. I definitely don't think you were too harsh.
Oh, also, thespin is intentional. Its a patron of the Library.
