Crit request: Ashes

Crit request: Ashes

dr nepalwala 12 Nov 2021 05:28

this is a one shot set in Last light cannon, please give your reviews.

Story under the tab of same name.

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/dr-nepalwala

Re: Crit request: Ashes

rumetzen 12 Nov 2021 18:55

This needs some work before it gets ready for posting. I don't have time/energy for a line by line review right now but some things I noticed:

Some it's/its errors. The former is a contraction for "it is". The latter is a possessive pronoun. This is something people will often quickly downvote for.

A few typos.

Dialogue tags are slightly messed up. If you're going to do something like "Hello," he said, the dialogue should be closed with a comma, not a period, as it all constitutes a single sentence.

You mix up your tenses a few times.

"I" as a pronoun should always be capitalized.

In general places where the prose stumbles. I would recommend reading your work aloud to test to see if everything feels like it flows properly. Same with dialogue, which often feels stiff, cliche, or over-dramatic.

I like the story overall, I think the writing just needs to be cleaned up before it's ready to go.

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read YONQ

Last edited on 12 Nov 2021 18:56 by rumetzen Show more

Re: Crit request: Ashes

Muse Hill 18 Nov 2021 08:01

This is an original concept and a tender, emotional story.

Apart from the formatting points already mentioned above by rumetzen, I would consider establishing the characters. It's sometimes difficult for me to understand who is speaking, as well as who is present in the scene.

A few short sentences that describe the physical location and setting at the beginning of each scene would help with this (explicit exposition), or else gradually establishing it with subtle details sprinkled throughout (implicit exposition).

Best of luck,
Muse Hill