Crit Request: Ser Ebolin's Collected Works

Summary:

Coldposted, like an idiot. Wanted to fix my mistake.

Crit Request: Ser Ebolin's Collected Works

NotAnOligarch 15 Nov 2021 16:36

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/the-non-oligarchy
Hope that link works, I have no idea what I'm doing to be honest.

Again, coldposted, and the work wasn't well received. So, I formally apologize and wish to amend my wrongdoing.
Anything wrong with formatting? Boring? Bad writing in general? Please tell me, anything is highly appreciated.
This is my first writing here, so if I make any mistakes, you can blame it on inexperience. And me just being a moron. That too.

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Last edited on 15 Nov 2021 16:37 by NotAnOligarch Show more

Re: Crit Request: Ser Ebolin's Collected Works

Muse Hill 17 Nov 2021 12:52

I have prior convictions for cold-posting felonies, so can relate. Rest assured this is probably less a problem of impropriety than one of exposure (or lack thereof), so I'm empathetically boosting what I can with some humble feedback.

Premise: delightful. I'm a big fan of works by fictional authors. I also think people like to read fragmentary works that can be strung together for extended puzzlement, or else sipped like a short black coffee in shorter moments of stolen time.

Grainingeer: a wonderfully evil character with an evident enjoyment of spoiling men's fun with matrimony. Very funny ending.

Again and again/Rode the horsemen: these fearsome characters appear very much like my own mounted Aeshurians. Crossover potential? Again, very funny.

Was a tepid, chill'd night: another marauding horseman image, fragmentary but satisfying.

Responsorium: I like the idea that the poet has a chip on his shoulder and thus a bit of an inferiority complex. Reminds me a bit of Catullus' satirical poetry that pokes fun at his enemies.

Final comments: twist! This is exactly the kind of surprise I like to find at the end of a collection of fictional authorship. The Department of Reinformation's censorious negation makes the work all the more tantalizing in retrospect, especially given its dubious authenticity.

Best of luck,
Muse Hill

Re: Crit Request: Ser Ebolin's Collected Works

Snapdragon133 19 Nov 2021 01:25

It is of no little debate among scholars whether or not the man truly existed. When, we have only vague estimates.

These two sentences should be combined to one

With her as a tool

This line feels like it messes with the rhythm

The horsemen are coming for you!

This line feels like it should be longer

I think what put a lot of people off was the intro and closer hyping the poems and the author constantly, and then the poems, while not being bad, weren’t really history-worthy. I saw the twist at the end, and while I think it’s a pretty funny twist, I feel like it didn’t really help with the overall impression of the piece.

Maybe this issue comes in because you don’t lean far into either court- the self-congratulations don’t get ridiculous enough for the reader to start questioning the truth of these statements, which would lead to a satisfying conclusion with the twist. Additionally, if you made the poems purposely worse, enough that it’s obvious it’s on purpose, that could contribute to this narrative you’re creating

I also found reading multiple different poems in a row with no breaks in between to be unenjoyable, maybe try and find a way to interject something between the poems, maybe some more over the top analysis, saying blatantly false information about the poems.

I realize this crit has a lot of my own suggestions, but I recognize they might not match your original goal, so please feel zero obligation to follow my creative suggestions, but my pints about the annoyance coming from the hyping up of the poems and the multiple poems in a row are issues I think need to be looked at.

Re: Crit Request: Ser Ebolin's Collected Works

NotAnOligarch 19 Nov 2021 16:33

I like these ideas, especially the analysis at the top of each poem to break up the pieces.
The tempo problems are intentional, because the poems are bad by design. But you're right, I didn't lean far enough into either court. I will do some leaning, and hopefully address those concerns.

Thank you very much for the ideas Snap.

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.