The Wanderer's Library
Collections
Browse…
Community
Join & Create!
So here is my third project in a semi-realistic alternate historical world.
For now, i just want to see if my plot is good or not or if i am rushing.
There are 4 parts (I am writing a final chapter or an epilogue.)
story under the collapsible of same heading.
Wow, this is a really richly-conceived alternate world! As this is still obviously in draft stage, I'm going to limit my feedback to issues of exposition in location and character, and overall plot and conceptual themes rather than spelling punctuation or grammar. Before you consider posting to the main site however, I strongly recommend doing a thorough check for SPaG, especially consistent use of capitalisation for proper nouns and appropriate use of tense.
Location
The mythological text ends with an image of the planet divided by eternal day and eternal night. One a kind of being, the Chrazu Dis Nukhtan, lives in the twilight zone while the lizard-like Scrags inhabit the deserts of the sunlit side. Is that correct? It reminds me a lot of the Moon of Kahani in Salman Rushdie's 'Haroun and the Sea of Stories.'
I think you should make it clearer where the characters are located by referring to things the characters would see on the sunlit side, for example desert landscape or dry oceans, and do the same thing for the twilight zone or night side.
For example, the sun would always seem to be on the horizon of the twilight zone, and the night side would only be lit by the stars, moon, and any artificial or bioluminescent lights. At the moment I'm not sure where the continents are located in relation to this concept, and what the characters can see to give me clues to their location.
Characters
You describe some characters by the kind of clothing they wear, but not others. Usually, the main characters would get the most detailed descriptions of their appearance and clothing. So I suggest you work on filling out some more detail for them as well.
Another thing that is not clear to me is who is a scrag and who isn't. Are the Europeans Scrags, and the Harpians Chrazu Dis Nukhtan? What does each being typically look like? You mention the Scrags have scaly bodies in the beginning, but then don't refer to any of these features in the main story. We don't know what the Chrazu look like. So I'm pretty confused.
Plot
I really like your plot and pacing. It seems to be based on the interesting alternative world history where Native Americans brutally colonized Western Eurasia, only to be repelled by a native resistance movement. I like the conflict this sets up between the two factions, and how it is complicated by the presence of 'mixed' peoples caught up in the unrest. This is a really compelling narrative that invites empathy for the differing perspectives of the characters based on where they are placed in the power structure.
I'm interested to see how the characters negotiate this problem, and whether they are doomed to constant warfare or can find a way to overcome their differences in relation to their foundational mythology. Are the gods real, or simply projections of the societies' mutual hatred and feelings of superiority? What role does religion play in shaping their perceptions of one another?
These themes are great for plot tension, character development and story resolution. At this point, I still feel we are only at the beginning of the main characters' journey. So there will be a lot that you will need to fit into the 3rd and 4th part to reach a satisfying resolution of such big topics.
After reading part 3 and 4 (please ignore my comments about the Chrazu mythology; I accidentally misread that part as connected), I really like the plot. You cover a lot of ground in a short amount of prose, which adds to a sense of urgency in the pacing. One thing that I would have a look at refining is the exposition near to the end of part 4. This does appear a little bit rushed, which makes it a bit harder to follow.
I love that there are so many characters, although keeping track of them was a bit of a challenge for me. It might be helpful for the reader to add the name of the character who is the main focus at the beginning of each section? Eg. 'Zihar Ler Klist, London, 21 Sygens 19323'
As we seem to switch focus to the original Zihar at the end, maybe consider slowing down the pace at that point and expanding on some description of their surroundings?
In terms of the ending, I think a 5th section or at least an epilogue would be very valuable to reach a sense of completion. I'm curious about whether Oru and Zihar will ever meet again, and how their characters will develop while separated. It feels like you're building up to a confrontation between the gentle, caring Oru and the vengeful Zihar. I look forward to reading more.
After the work is complete, I'd be happy to give some SPaG feedback.
I am here by request through Discord. Reviewing only Part 1:
Overall, I think this has potential to be a really good Part 1 to a larger series, but there are some things you should address first:
So, I must say that I feel a little lost. I like the concept, but you are throwing in a lot of place-names but not really mentioning their significance. As MuseHill mentioned earlier, establishing things like location and direction (east, west, north, south, are they close to Berlin, far from Russia, etc.) is really important so try to work on that more. Additionally, describe certain things a little more:
The Library
What does this look like? Why is it being targeted? Where is it in relation to the Harpian Zone?
Madrid native ghetto
Where is this? What does it look like?
to rush to the Harpian zone
Where is this? What does it look like?
get in the car
Wouldn't the roads be blocked? Where is the Harpian Zone in relation to the rest of the city, and why can't the mob just break in/attack them as they leave?
Answer the above and more; if you feel like more descriptions would hurt your story, then don't add them or don't add too much. As of right now, though, I feel really lost, and I don't feel like the scenario is unique or memorable without a solid sense of place.
Another big issue is the fact that there isn't much characterization of Zihar, Oru, and their parents, and there aren't many details about his life. What is he leaving behind exactly? How does he feel about the conflict at hand/what does he know? Has he overheard anything from his parents? What do his parents feel?
There are many perspectives you can write about—don't be afraid to explore the different perspectives of people in the story, like Zihar's friends, the people rioting, the security guards, or even Colvodor the Third! That's what makes alternate human history stories worthwhile.
The tone of the Imperial Order should be more formal and have proper punctuation, and the verb tenses need to be consistent in the newsletter at the start.
There are minor SPaG errors throughout, so please address that before posting. If you'd like me to point out each error, let me know. Keep up the work. Develop the plot, characters, and setting more so I can get a better feel for what this story is in your head.
NITPICK ENGLISH CRITIQUE REQUESTED THROUGH DISCORD
Grammar review for Expelled Part 1
With recent developments, the European continent is now a liability for our empire, and thus the following orders have been given in order of highest to lowest priority:
1) Demolition of all research facilities and papers along with the removal/destruction of all military assets. We cannot let the natives get our technology; eliminate every native collaborator;
2) Fortification of British isles in order to maintain a permanent presence in the East;
3) Evacuate all pure Harpians. Mixed Harpians take lower priority, with some exceptions.
May the gods be with us.
Colvodor the third.
Emperor.
I skipped a few errors in the last two sections for the sake of time, and I skipped some other dialogue errors because I gave you enough examples to fix dialogue on your own. Remember to reread your work carefully! Please search up some reference materials online if you want to brush up again on how dialogue is formatted in English.
You repeat verbs a lot, which isn’t a huge issue for now, but it is something you should keep in mind as you write more and try to improve. Other words like “suddenly” are also used very frequently. Note that in the future, you should ideally use online proofreading software (Like Google Doc’s basic spelling-and-grammar-checking features) to try to help you. I hope you find this list helpful and that you have learned some new things about the English language and its literary tradition. Thank you for writing for the Wanderer’s Library.
I'm getting a little more confused. Oru and Zihar are Harpians, right? Clovodor hates Harpians, right? Why was Clovodor's family near Harpians then?
I think the scene with the bombing is way too short to have any impact. The dialogue also seems to lack fluidity.
This part is also a little random:
"Madrid is gone, we are trapped here!" Zihar exclaimed to the rest of the group.
I think we need to see more of Zihar's thoughts. He feels too flat as a character, and it's hard to relate to him without knowing what he's thinking, too. You can use narration or more dialogue for this.
I'm a little confused about the relevance of the notes at the start — why did you include them?
(account deleted)