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http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/doctor-pann Not particular in what kind of critique you give me. SPaG is fine, content stuff is fine. It's called shit horror because it involves a portapotty, but also cause it isn't really scary I don't think. Idk, I popped this out in like a couple of raving hour writing sessions. So, yeah, crit would be appreciated. :) Merry early Christmas BTW.
Not going to go over all of the SPaG errors, if you want me to, let me know. Needed to mention this part though, fix the verb tenses here:
In college, I learned. I learned everything one could about math, design, and physics. I learned to build bridges, harness the power of the sun, and create that which all thought impossible. Then I came back home. I saw everything was the same. Once again I returned to college, but when summer came once again, I didn't go home. I stayed with an aunt in the city where the university was. I graduate from college, and I still don't return. It isn't until five years after I left that I finally return. And I found everything different.
Also:
I set about cutting it into strips…
What is he cutting???
But nevermind grammar! I like the second half of this a lot, and overall this feels complete. However, the first could be dramatically improved to give more of a fulfilled sense by the end (or maybe an incomplete sense). Give more of an objective and sense of mission to our protagonist in the first half. You mention a lot of past memories, but they honestly don't have that much significance to us as readers—Perhaps this man is trying to stop a villain of some sort from ruining his home? Maybe a modern-day corpration is thinking of harming the land? Maybe he encountered some sort of demon and now he is returning home?
I understand that you may want to keep this story something like "Modern man vs. Inexplicable Void", and keep the protagonist distinct from the fantastical setting of the void portapotty. However, there has to be more initial conflict or drive for the protagonist. For example, should readers feel sad when the narrator becomes trapped in the void forever? If so, then maybe he should reveal that he has a purpose for returning (that he will never get to fulfill now that he has been trapped). Are we supposed to feel like everything connects? If so, maybe he has some inexplicable feeling to return and once in the void, he sees all the people that have passed away or disappeared.
In essence, this story feels complete but unsatisfied. Does any of this fit with your goals for this piece? Let me know your thoughts.
Mornin' (somewhere, hopefully), Doctor Pann!
On my initial read-through, I very much liked the idea. "Shit Horror" is a really funny name, and fits with the story. I think this tale is kinda a critique of bad/cliché horror? If so, beautifully done. That's not to say it isn't well-written; it is! Similar to Avelon21, I will not be going over SPaG errors. Mainly because I suck as a proofreader.
I really like the character. The way you describe his past life/family property is very nice. I personally relate to the area, and quite vivid memories of my childhood surfaced upon reading it. Sneaking into a neighbor's barn? 'Woods' that are mainly just thickets of trees? Played like a move in my Midwestern brain.
Problem No. 1: Motivation. Why is he re-visiting? I would hate to impose on your story, but I think I'd like it better if he was revisiting because his brother died. Growing apart is sad and all, but I think this would have more oompf if it was a bit more tragic. This would explain his motives for returning: Grief! Maybe a family funeral! But please please don't let my suggestion ruin your idea for the direction of the plot/character.
Problema No. 2: The character's reaction the 'monster' thing isn't exactly believable. I think it could use a little more work. The 'prayer but no response' could be expanded upon also. This man has believed in a God of deliverance all his life, and now that God hasn't delivered him from his situation. Him really grappling with his notions of the divine for a paragraph or two wouldn't be out of place, especially because the guy sorta kills himself in the end? Woah! Kinda came out of nowhere I think some grappling would fit in.
Probleem No 3: Just freshen up those memories a little! How, I'm not exactly sure, but some expansion could be nice!
It feels quite finished, and is very well writen. In food terms, you've presented me a very well made steak burrito. The burrito could use more spice, but it's delicious all the same without. Be careful to keep that Cliché horror essence when fixing.
Well done!
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Well shoot, I'm sorry it took so long for me to see your crit! Got sidetracked with another thing. Thanks a bunch! I'm glad I could convey the Midwesterness well, since I am deriving a lot from my own life. I like how you found meaning in what I made that wasn't necessarily the intended message, as that means stuff is up to interpretation, which was the goal.
My intended purpose/meaning behind this story is to showcase the desire for things to remain the same and how that can actually be detrimental. Throughout the first half, the guy is just commenting and lamenting on everything that has changed and how he misses the good old days. I don't think I put this idea across strong enough, so I will be working on that in my revision. I think your suggestion of having the death of a family member be what brought him back would be a fantastic inclusion to this idea. So, the guy is sad that things have changed, but then he encounters something truly constant and unchanging, that being the void. It is oppressive, toxic, and completely impossible to overcome. It is stagnant. I'm going to try to make this clearer, but the monster is not actually there. I need to edit some things, but it will not ever physically interact with him. His brain is so against this idea of constant nothing that it is trying to fill it in with something until he finally does the one thing that he can do.
Finally, I can appreciate the desire for the memories to be longer, but there are a few reasons I am not going to expand them too much. First off, I have written rather long things for the wiki before, and it seems as though they don't do quite as well. If people don't like the super long stuff, then I will keep it briefer, ya know? Second, I don't think that I personally would reminisce super long scenes or anything. Since the character is a half self-insert, I want to make his reactions like how mine would be. I think remembering trends or events, but not scenes is more realistic. So I appreciate this critique, but I think I will continue the way I already have it in this regard.
Anywho, thanks a million for your crit, and a Happy New Year to ya.
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