Crit Request: The Wizard-King and his Daughter-Wife

Crit Request: The Wizard-King and his Daughter-Wife

basirskipreader 01 Jan 2022 04:50

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/basirskipreader

Things to crit:
General
1. flow of the piece - does it read good?
2. overall structure - is the story understandable?
3. idea - is it good?

Specifics:
1. tense use - did i miss any tenses?
2. dialogue - was the dialogue good?
3. wordings - were the wordings/phrases i used understandable to you?

Re: Crit Request: The Wizard-King and his Daughter-Wife

(account deleted) 01 Jan 2022 16:26

Hey there basirskipreader! I'm Avelon and I'm here to give a review:

As for general story critique:
1. The flow is mediocre. I think the details included about the roses are fine, but they should not be the only details of the transitions. You do not include much of the daughter’s internal thoughts which might help transition more. You also do not include much of the daughter’s everyday life, and scenes surrounding that might help the flow work better so it shows that the daughter is living this life genuinely believing that the father is a distinct person from the king.
2. The overall structure is fine. I can understand the story, although the improvements above would make it clearer in terms of who all the characters are.
3. I like this idea, and the way you approached it is fine since you did not write anything graphic about the father and the daughter. I still feel like you did not fully flesh out this idea in the story though, and while I like what you have here, there is still some more potential in this idea. For example, the king feels a little generic. More details about him and maybe a clearer description of the castle and how it has changed since his wife’s death would help make him more memorable for readers.

As far as specific English things go:
1.

Here is a list:

• " there was nothing that the druids could do, or more accurately, don't want to do," remove the "don't" and change "want" to "wanted".
• "She never knew the touch of grass beneath her feet, nor the shine of the stars above her head, but she does know that her father was the best in the world" It should read as "she did know", or preferably "she knew".
• "and dresses that she will wear when she gets old" and dresses that she would wear when she grows old!
• "The roses outside the tower grew and curled around the castle, as thorns slowly start appearing around their stems. " as thorns slowly started to appear around their stems.
• "Each time the thorns grew, one rose dies" One rose died
• “and the various dances and festivities she has read from her books.” she had read
• “Like before, she lets her father in” she let her father in
• “his name is unneccessary,” his name was unnecessary
• “ as he was surely to die when he steps out of the door” if he stepped out of the door
• “they never live the life of luxury she has lived all her life” they never lived the life of luxury she had lived all her life
• “She can't help but enjoy each time he plays the ditty” she couldn’t help but
• “the bard can't help but notice that the wizard-king's guards do not so much bat an eye to this beautiful lady when she passes by them, with some even greeting her like she is an old friend. As they approach the king's room, the bard's heart dropped as she stands in front of the king's room.” Change to: “the bard couldn’t help but notice that the wizard-king’s guards did not do so much as bat an eyelid to this beautiful lady passing by them, with some even greeting her like she was an old friend.”

Please correct the rest of the verb tense errors on your own. My goal with this list is also to provide with examples of where you might have made mistakes and how you can fix them.

2. The dialogue can be improved I think, some of it feels dull when the bard and the daughter try to escape and encounter the king.

3.

Here is a list:

• "the wife the king too." I know what you mean but I feel like it would fit the tone better as "the wife loved the king, too".
• "Inconsolate" should be replaced with "inconsolable".
• " and he there too" and he was there for her, too.
• “As she grew and grew, she longed for the feeling of the green carpet outside, and the look of the endless ceiling of darkness outside, as she has read in her storybooks, and she constantly pleaded for her father to take her outside. “ the word “outside” is repeated quite a bit here, change it
• “Her father hugged her, and she reciprocated in return” you can remove “in return”, since that’s already stated with the verb “reciprocated”
• “made her wish to see this with all her eyes” how many eyes does she have? remove “all” unless she actually has a lot more eyes than just two.
• “she finally plucked up” this should probably be something like “she finally gathered up”

Please correct any other wording errors on your own, if possible. My goal with this list is also to provide with examples of where you might have made mistakes and how you can fix them. You can ask me again for more help, but for the sake of time this is what I will leave you for now.

There are other minor English language errors, but I will not go through all of them. Reread carefully and feel free to use proofreading software online to help you. I also feel like you use really long sentences and you would benefit from making the sentences shorter to make it easier to read. I’m not sure if English is your first language, but if it is not: we do not have the style of other languages where really, really long sentences/less punctuation is the norm. If you need some help with this, just ask!

I appreciate this fantasy story, which does a good job of creating a setting where the daughter is isolated and naïve. What do you think of some of these suggestions? Is there anything you are confused about or do not agree with? Obviously you don’t need to take all of my critique to heart, but I’d still like to know what your goals are with this story (it might help me give better feedback if you’re confused on something or want further explanation).

Re: Crit Request: The Wizard-King and his Daughter-Wife

(account deleted) 01 Jan 2022 16:31

EDIT THIS IS A DUPLICATE MADE BY ACCIDENT

I thought my first post didn't send.

Last edited on 01 Jan 2022 16:32 by (account deleted) Show more