Critique Request: Playing Pretend.

Summary:

A writer reminisces on their childhood.

Critique Request: Playing Pretend.

IronShears 04 Jan 2022 08:05

About 850 words or so, first tab. I wanted to write something short, sentimental, and sweet for my first attempt. The premise is of an adult former changeling child writing out some brief nostalgia for their childhood. I want to keep it short to kinda compliment how short of a time period this character is looking back on but I don't want it to feel rushed.

I also don't want it to be directly obvious that the protagonist is a changeling but I do want it to be possible to pick up from context clues. I'd appreciate thoughts on how well that comes across, the amount of detail, the emotional impact of the story, and just if it holds your attention. Thank you for your time!

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/ironshears

Last edited on 09 Jan 2022 00:24 by IronShears Show more

Re: Critique Request: Playing Pretend.

NotAnOligarch 04 Jan 2022 14:15

A-hiya, IronShears!

I personally liked this piece, and felt the characters seemed to have something behind them. They weren't 2D, and the word choice used to describe them is quite well picked. It's sweet, and does convey emotion.

One problem, It's too short! We don't get enough time with these characters to understand what they're going through. I read the story before I read your crit request, and to be honest, had no idea the kid was a changeling. While I like this whole ''Changeling-living-in-a-world-that-doesn't-accept-him'', I think the tale could be further fleshed out.

Also, I see a potential connection between the changeling and the Library in his interest in the Bestiary, but we don't get to see it happen. I'd love to see the interaction between this kid and the Library, but maybe that's for later on.

Very much liked it, well done.
—Oligarch

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.

Last edited on 04 Jan 2022 18:24 by NotAnOligarch Show more

Re: Critique Request: Playing Pretend.

IronShears 04 Jan 2022 23:00

Thank you!

I added some more meat onto it and got it up to ~850 words. Still relatively short but with more on it. Basically just continued the story in a way that still felt like it had a nice flow and put the ending point on more of a firm event.

The bestiary being the initial thing that lead the changeling down the path to the Library in the first place was definitely what I was trying to imply and I'm glad that much could be inferred! I pushed that a little bit more near the end. I also did try to add more of a nod to the writer being a changeling.

Re: Critique Request: Playing Pretend.

Skipmeister 08 Jan 2022 00:59

Hello there!

Read over your story, seems pretty good, if a bit short and lacking in detail. As someone else already noted, I never would've noticed the protagonist was a changeling if it wasn't for you putting it in the post here.

Still a nice wholesome read, look forward to seeing if you do anything more with it. I do like this Jacob Ezekiel Conners character you've written, little affectations like him pronouncing it proudly every time in spite of the lisp can add so much to a character.

— Skipmeister

Re: Critique Request: Playing Pretend.

IronShears 08 Jan 2022 11:43

Thank you!

I do want to keep this story on the short side simply because I want it to feel like brief nostalgia for a period of the protagonist's life with some feeling behind it rather than an epic large-scale tale. But if it still seems too short and unembellished to most people for what it is I will definitely flesh it out more.

as for the changeling thing I have been kinda struggling with that part. I did add another line to try and just say it without saying it.

I'm sure her instincts had evolved over generations to keep her safe too. Brood parasites are still parasites no matter how you try and rephrase it to feel better about yourself.

Re-review

NotAnOligarch 18 Jan 2022 14:55

After careful consideration, I believe you have addressed all of the issues here.
At this point, I can reasonably say I'd give it a +1 if it were on the main page.

Length: I think the current length is absolutely perfect. Doesn't take too much time to read, but you get enough story to leave satisfied.

Characters: Wonderfully done. I can finally tell (though I'm sure it's much less subtle than you originally intended, it is still subtle enough to make the reader feel that it wasn't ham fisted) that the kid is a Changeling. I think the way you describe the relationship between the changeling and the 'mother' is well done.

Ending: Could use a tiny bit of improvement. Something like,

What I did learn is that I’m not as different from them as I thought.

Also, is the 'them' reference the humans, or the creatures in the book? Depending on whom you're referencing, it could be something like "I'm not as different from the things in the book as I thought," or "I'm not as different from Jacob as I thought," Depending on what message you're trying to get out. I think both are equally good, and once that little thing is fixed, in my opinion, this would probably be ready for posting!

Thank you very kindly.

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Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.