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1,700 2,000 words, it's about my take on the cycle of life and death. Any general critique would be greatly appreciated, and maybe suggestions on how to make the story more impactful.
Content warning for gore
I really liked this one! It'll stick with me for a while. Here are my points of critique:
- The death where the narrator was driving and crashed (in the ocean, I think) appeared to occur twice on my first read.
- The deaths looked at first to be done chronologically (the woolly mammoth appeared early, then wars with spears, then cars later) — I love this idea and feel that more explicit history in-between would be excellent.
- Their acceptance near the end that they will need to go through deaths until they are done could be fleshed out a little more by showing changes in their behaviour in recent deaths.
- On my first read, I was slightly distracted by wondering how much time the narrator has before death takes them — do they ever try to escape, to struggle, or to distract themselves with the fleeting pleasures of living in their new life, or are they too taken by the knowledge of their imminent demise?
- One last thing: Near the end, "sub-conscience" is written where "subconscious" should be. I did not do a full spot check, so there may be more little things to catch, but that was the one that caught my eye.
All just my wondering questions and ramblings. I love this work — it is impactful and the deaths are tuned to the perfect channel of grisly and melancholy.
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
Thank you for the crit! I added in another point of "history" and fixed the error you spotted, though I'm having a bit of trouble in addressing your third point, without affecting the tone of apathy held by the narrator.
Now that is what I'm talking about!
This is wonderful, and I think it really sets the tone of the whole contest. By keeping the narrator impersonal, you elude to the fact that Death is impersonal, and that the cycle we're all trapped in is impersonal.
It's wonderfully written, and really held my attention throughout. Well done.
One question… the "three fourths of my mind" part confused me. This may be my fault, but I have no idea what that means.
If this was on the front page, I would upvote it, though I feel I haven't given much critique, and have given praise instead. It's nigh impossible to see anything wrong here.
Beautifully done.
Fires rage just below the surface of the ice.
Hello, thank you for the response! Even if there's not much crit given, I appreciate the reception regardless.
I suppose I did word the "three fourths" part weirdly. It was meant to be about how the narrator experiences all of these deaths - He is trapped within the cycle and forced to go through all of this, but through a divided mindset. Part of him recognizes what's happening, and that he had to go through everything to be released from death, but the other part views things from the perspective of someone who hasn't died yet, which prevents him from becoming too apathetic.
- which were leaking a foul
- Blood steadily leaked
the second 'leak' could be switched for a synonym since it was just used, not a big deal tho.
- smoky pain
not sure what this choice of adjective means, I can't really imagine it
- it nearly impossible to breathe.
- it nearly impossible to move.
I'm starting to think this repetition is a stylistic choice, but I'd still recommend switching it up, or instead, making it more obvious it's intentional, as it sorta pulls me out of the story.
- I could only lie there
- I could only look as
Same thing here.
Yeah, later on, you start to use sets of three repetitions for emphasis - which makes it much clearer to the reader.
- it would be one more death
- hope that I could
Since this is now talking about the direct future, rather than a hypothetical situation, I think you should change out 'would' for 'will' and 'could' for 'can'/'be able to'.
Some stuff:
- You tend to use adjectives to describe almost every noun, sometimes using two. I understand the need for vivid imagery, especially in a shorter piece like this, but occasionally it hindered my ability to imagine something because the image had too much going on.
- I didn't understand exactly where in the cycle the narrator was speaking from. Do they regain memories of all their lives (and deaths) in the limbo before they reincarnate? If so, are they speaking from that in-between time? If not, do they constantly have their memories of previous lives even when living a new one?
The cohesion between actual physical actions and the more conceptual, voice-focused narrator is well put together. Your prose is very vivid and I really enjoyed the wide variety of death descriptions. From a theme/contest standpoint, this is perfect - I really like the angle you took it from.
Overall, great piece that I can't wait to see on the site :)
Hi, thank you for the crit and LBL! The usage of double repetition were definitely mistakes and I'm actually super glad you pointed that out, because that's one of my pet peeves in writing (have no idea how I didn't catch that), though you are right in that the sets of three were on purpose. I was also unsure about what tense to use at the end, so I went along with your suggestion.
Also made sure to tone down on some of the imagery, I can def see how too much of that stuff could be distracting. To answer the last question you had about where the narrator was speaking from, I couldn't really find a good way to clarify it, really. My intent was for the narrator to be thinking back on everything he's experienced (sort of a flashback I guess) right before starting his new life.
