(Two for one deal!) Crit Request: Cold Mornings and On Homer

Summary:

The second part of the story of C. L. Atlas, and musings on a quote of Homer.

(Two for one deal!) Crit Request: Cold Mornings and On Homer

meltedbee 21 Apr 2022 18:28

Thank you for opening this crit request! I have two works to be reviewed today, the first is a continuation of Past and Future, and the second is a prompted writing piece. Check both out here: http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/meltedbee

For the first story, I am specifically wondering how I can make it more engaging for the reader. General crit for both would be very much appreciated!

---

radiance, glorious and cold and blistering all at once, like a star behind the eyes

Re: (Two for one deal!) Crit Request: Cold Mornings and On Homer

bulbAbandoned 22 Apr 2022 01:17

Critique on “Cold Mornings”:

show grammar critique

What kept him going was the small leather-bound notebook belonging to a dead girl held tightly within his parka, and his thirst for the knowledge of how this came to be.

This almost reads as if the dead girl is held in his parka, not the journal. You could try “dead girl’s small leather-bound notebook held tightly within his parka” or something else to make it less ambiguous.

he looked through goggled eyes

Goggle as a verb means “to look with wide eyes,” not “to wear goggles.” If he is wearing goggles, then “he looked through goggles” or “his eyes looked through the goggles” or maybe even “his eyes peered through his goggles” or something like that would work better to clarify he is wearing goggles instead of goggling.

obscured all vision past not more than an arm’s length away.

obscured all vision more than an arm’s length away.
Or
obscured all vision past his arm’s length
Or
he could see no more than an arm’s length away.
Or whatever way you want to make it more concise.

A hasty tent

A hastily made / set / set up / built / some other verb tent

unimagineably

Spelling should be "unimaginably"

show story critique

You mentioned making it more engaging. Here are my thoughts:

You could probably describe him setting up the tent in much more detail. The story says the man has been in worse situations than this, so maybe illustrate that fact by emphasizing how he easily sets up the tent with well-practiced, unhurried motions, or something like that.

On a similar note, you could also describe him climbing a little more. I know the story says he doesn’t know how much further he has to climb, but you go into a little more detail than that. Maybe he wonders about when and where he will have to set up camp. He could be worried about the low visibility, or perhaps entirely unconcerned and confident in his own capabilities despite the adverse weather conditions. You could also maybe mention a vague description of how long he has been traveling through these snowy conditions to get to where is now. Has he been hiking for an hour? A day? A month? It doesn’t even have to be discrete units of time. You could say “he has seen worse storms on this trip” or something else to that effect to get the point across.

This part is really entirely up to you, but you could describe how Atlas is feeling more. In this story, he seeks knowledge, rests, is kept company by the wind, and enjoys tea. You could mention how he feels about the weather or his rest or his journey or his progress or anything, really. He could be satisfied by setting up the tent, weary after his journey, worried about the weather, not worried about the weather, hopeful about what he will find or discover, etc. It doesn’t have to be a lot. Just one well-placed line showing that he really feels something could be enough.

I don’t really have anything to say on the second beyond typo where you say “now law upon” instead of “now lay upon.”

I really like both these stories. Can’t wait to see them on the site!