The Witch, the Wizard and the Man of Steel (Draft)

Summary:

Written for Gaffney for the gift exchange.

The Witch, the Wizard and the Man of Steel (Draft)

sirpudding 29 Dec 2015 18:57

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/sirpudding-s-sandbox

This was written for Gaffney does not match any existing user name for the holiday gift exchange as a prequel to The Last Magician of Moscow and All Power to the Soviets by Gaffney, as well as to A Witch's Tale - Mistakes Were Made by me. Yalthea are from On The Yalthea, Both Greater And Lesser by Gaffney.

Feedback appreciated.

Last edited on 29 Dec 2015 18:58 by sirpudding Show more

Re: The Witch, the Wizard and the Man of Steel (Draft)

minmin 11 Mar 2016 01:01

In addition to the stuff I said in chat…

+ show block

The city had completely shut down, the Petrograd society was unaware that Tikhon was here, and far too distracted to be looking for him

I'd turn the first comma into a period and add a "was" before "far too distracted", though this seems like my stylistic choice more than anything.

It was working, but working too well, the chaos had far outstripped what the Moscow wizards had ever intended.

Second period could be a period or a semicolon or a dash. Depending on your tastes.

and she was pouring kerosene on it with intent in order to burn down a city.

"With intent in order to"? Sounds like a conflation of "with the intent of" and "in order to"

This is madness, witch, if you continue to feed this working then no one, not even you, will be able to control it

Unless it's a deliberate stylistic dialogue choice, I'd change to "This is madness, witch. If you continue to feed this working, then no one - not even you - will be able to control it." The dashes could be commas if you feel it fits the style better.

Use it to destroy your enemies, with my blessing Tikhon.

"destroy your enemies with my blessing, Tikhon" ? I think that slightly changes the meaning of your sentence, though.

"It's for your own good, boy," the woman said, "some things aren't meant to be seen as they are, even for wizards."

The comma after "said" could be a period, and "some" will then have to be capitalised.

That's the last of pedantic punctuation changes. :p Great worldbuilding here that definitely reads like it needs a sequel.

Last edited on 12 Mar 2016 16:50 by minmin Show more

Re: The Witch, the Wizard and the Man of Steel (Draft)

sirpudding 11 Mar 2016 01:26

One concern that has been brought up:
The final bit about Stalin is supposed to be a zinger, but it requires that the reader know that Stalin means "Steel". I'm not sure how well known this is, or how to make it more obvious without messing with the impact. Thoughts?

ETA: Current thought is just to mention it my author post.

Last edited on 11 Mar 2016 01:49 by sirpudding Show more

Re: The Witch, the Wizard and the Man of Steel (Draft)

rumetzen 11 Mar 2016 03:10

Everything I said in chat about trimming the prose still applies. A lot of your sentences run long and should be split up.

The dialogue is also really stiff.

I'd look to actually see more of the witch stoking the magic rather than just a brief, threatening encounter followed by "okay she's fucking shit up now". It feels rushed.

I'd like to get more of a description as she speaks in the second part instead of just disembodied dialogue.

Suddenly the young man that was talking to the witch was ripped in half by a shade bearing the face of Fedot Katin.

Stuff like this could stand to be more vivid. It feels very mechanical/expository. In general the action in the scene (and story) should be described in more detail. Things feel rushed and the pacing is odd.

I can give more detail in chat/PM if you want. The story's fine, it's just that the writing is too weak to keep it enjoyable.