Draft - Green Lady

Summary:

Short poem about someone's desire for another. (152 words 731 characters)

Draft - Green Lady

QuestioningEspecialy 10 Sep 2022 21:07

Sandbox (tab 5: "Green Lady"): http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/questioningespecialy
Seriously, skip the first 4 tabs. They're for a different story.

Concerns:

1. How well does it flow?
2. Does it spark imagination?
3. I'm likely to actually explain this one, but I'm curious to know how much people are gonna want explained.
4. Other critiques welcomed.

Concept:
Someone develops quite an infatuation.

Formats:
Thinking about making a green edit to the "Once Upon a Time" Theme. The amount of "R, G, B" fields to fill in are causing me to feel like I'm in over my head, though. :x
How am I supposed to know which part of the theme each of those lines affect? (gonna ask this in the Discussion page, btw)
Alternatively, I might just place the poem inside a [[div_ class="code"]] with that theme.

Last edited on 10 Sep 2022 23:13 by QuestioningEspecialy Show more

Re: Draft - Green Lady

Snapdragon133 10 Sep 2022 21:31

I think the flow is pretty good, and overall I liked the poem, but I do feel like improvements could be made.

Yes, it inspires some imagination, but someone worshipping a woman they love is something I’ve seen before and I don’t think this distinguished itself enough from that core idea. I think “The Green Lady” could be a very evocative part of the poem, and it being titled that made me think green would play a much larger role in the poem than it ended up playing.

The main interpretation I got from this is that someone met a woman in a hospital and became wildly in love with her, but only for a short time. The other interpretation I thought of but don’t believe us correct is that the green lady is meant to represent envy in some way, hence green with envy. If that was your intention I don’t think you communicated that as well as you could’ve.

It’s a pretty good poem so far, but I just feel like it doesn’t grab me; it doesn’t feel like it goes far enough. I did really like the detail of the narrator saying they would absolutely fall in love again, that was good. Admittedly I’m quite confused about “the markings on her skull” and am unsure how that fits in to the story.

As for the theme, I really don’t know much about css, but you can always just find out what on the page each color value affects through trial and error. Remember, you have to save to see updated changes with a theme. You could also get in contact with the creator of the theme, but keep in mind he might not be available

Re: Draft - Green Lady

QuestioningEspecialy 11 Sep 2022 00:04

I think “The Green Lady” could be a very evocative part of the poem, and it being titled that made me think green would play a much larger role in the poem than it ended up playing.

Hm~, I should read up on the image rules.
Yeah, now that I think about it, there's a serious lack of context… 🤔
So it was about how I (the author) felt about her and allowing myself to fully come to terms with it through poetry.
"Was immediately drawn to this character's appearance, voice, and character. Taught me to fear those I'm helplessly too attracted to since they can easily control me, as she does."
[[/collapsible]]

The other interpretation I thought of but don’t believe us correct is that the green lady is meant to represent envy in some way, hence green with envy.

Ooo~, I like this take. Maybe I won't provide context (beyond an image) afterall.

but I just feel like it doesn’t grab me; it doesn’t feel like it goes far enough.

In terms of depth? o.O

Admittedly I’m quite confused about “the markings on her skull” and am unsure how that fits in to the story.

Heheh (see above). The potential confusion tempts me to skip the image altogether tbh. >.> I likes to get people's engines going and tend to be very against telling people how to interpret my creations. Like, how much do the above spoilers negatively affect your imagination now that you know?

I'll probably do it that way if I don't get a response on the theme's Discussion page.

Last edited on 16 Sep 2022 02:36 by QuestioningEspecialy Show more

Re: Draft - Green Lady

Snapdragon133 11 Sep 2022 00:18

I am very much for not telling your audience everything, it's good to not lay out every fact and expect that to be interesting. My main issue is the depth yes, you do not talk about her enough, there is nothing there that points me to wonder about what she is, or even figure out what she is. Not giving your audience everything doesn't mean don't give your audience anything. Additionally, there's a good type of a confusion and a bad type of confusion. Here is the bad type of confusion imo, it seems to have no relation to anything else in the poem. I understand that adding to poems is really hard, but I just don't think there's enough here to properly describe the green lady or the theme you're trying to tell through it

Re: Draft - Green Lady

QuestioningEspecialy 11 Sep 2022 01:26

Here is the bad type of confusion imo, it seems to have no relation to anything else in the poem

Is "it" the title or the type of confusion the poem's causing?

I just don't think there's enough here to properly describe the green lady or the theme you're trying to tell through it

In the case of the latter, I'd like to know what you think (and most people will likely think) the theme is before I start figuring out what to do. 🤔

Last edited on 16 Sep 2022 02:36 by QuestioningEspecialy Show more

Re: Draft - Green Lady

Snapdragon133 11 Sep 2022 01:46

"It" was referring to the markings on her skull thing that you responded to, apologies for being unclear. If it's not really about her, then I may have harped on those points a bit too much, the title made me think I should be focusing on her. As for the theme, for me it didn't really communicate a strong theme, more just a story about toxic love. I think what you have is pretty good, I'm just asking for it to be built on so that theme you mentioned is a lot more prevalent. I think the main thing you're missing is the learning to fear people like her, I don't see that at all in the poem, it only really reads like the person is sad when she leaves

Re: Draft - Green Lady

QuestioningEspecialy 11 Sep 2022 02:04

"It" was referring to the markings on her skull

Oh, okay. Including an image would dissolve that matter, but I still haven't decided or read the image rules yet.

the title made me think I should be focusing on her. As for the theme, for me it didn't really communicate a strong theme

How much would changing the title to something like "Desires for Green Lady" help? Probably would find a synonym for "desires", btw.

edit: I feel like the title should be left alone… :|

more just a story about toxic love

Oh, I likes this take.

I'm just asking for it to be built on so that theme you mentioned is a lot more prevalent.

Honestly, I feel very likely to cheap out by just changing the title. >.>

I think the main thing you're missing is the learning to fear people like her, I don't see that at all in the poem,

See the first line in the "Why I Wrote It & What It's About spoiler" above.
While I could add that in, and create an arc in the process, doing so would distract from the meaning and theme (and make things more blatant rather than let the reader come to their own conclusion and feel how they feel). 🤔

it only really reads like the person is sad when she leaves

Before learning the context, what were your thoughts on this?

Last edited on 11 Sep 2022 02:04 by QuestioningEspecialy Show more

Re: Draft - Green Lady

Snapdragon133 11 Sep 2022 02:57

Ok, to be honest it doesn’t feel like you’re listening to me or trying to take my critique to heart. You’ve rebuffed pretty much everything I’ve said and it feels like we’re going in circles so I’m going to stop replying now. I wish you luck on posting to the wiki

Re: Draft - Green Lady

QuestioningEspecialy 11 Sep 2022 04:08

Aight, and my bad. I see this as just a continued productive discussion, but I'm probably more argumentative than I realize. 🤷🏿‍♂️
Thanks for the help.